I can relate to that. I have bad days too, though I don’t “take it out” on people. The most that might happen is a tonal change. I notice I don’t even change vocabulary (e.g. a bitter “what” over a polite “yes”). And it makes me wonder because I live in a very neurodivergent society and overly expressive responses are a stereotype of that, but it’s always the neurotypicals I know who allow things like that to wander out of their context.

Also i guess i can’t say I’m the “only one” since 90% of people don’t do this but you only remember the ones that do I guess.

It sounds like the people you’re dealing with probably got to their current positions either by playing at office politics or some kind of nepotism. When someone asks them to do something they’re not actually qualified to do but is still part of their job they get around it by yelling and acting too busy and somehow making it all seem like your fault. If they don’t spend all day complaining and bearing people it would mean they’d actually have to learn how to do their jobs and that would be work

I feel this. I was wrangling 2 data engineers bickering like you wouldn’t believe in a meeting earlier today. With other people present. One of whom is a VP and was one of these cat’s boss. It was like two 10 year olds who each are certain they know best, but neither of them fully understands the other. It’s just unreal. I had to almost shout over them to get them to shut up and listen to me, which is far from my preferred meeting demeanor, but there was no other way.

I feel like this sometimes when I can’t extricate myself from a situation. It’s sort of like pushing people away. Maybe your coworkers feel the same way? It’s not cool. Everyone has their limits, but you shouldn’t have to deal with that at work. Do they ever seem to regret it? If they don’t apologize or try to prevent the outbursts, maybe you should bring it up to management?

You’re definitely not the only one, since you’re not gonna notice the other people keeping it to themselves, because they’ll be keeping it to themselves.

That said, some people just… Don’t. And learning that level of self-control is hard. If you don’t have the skill, feelings can seem uncontrollable and inevitable. Confronting such a person with a request that they do something (control themselves) you know is possible, but they think isn’t, often leads to bad results. Instead, you need to trick them into learning the art. That is, if they aren’t so bad they straight up need anger management classes.

Apologizing after the fact is something we who actively consider others, and think about what the world is like for people other than ourselves, do naturally. But some people completely lack internal thoughts concerning anyone aside from themselves.

It doesn’t automatically mean they are selfish (though it often coincides with that) but it does mean someone might have to remind them that they owe you or someone else a courtesy, because otherwise they simply won’t realize.

People tend to react better if you ask them to apologize to someone else, than if you ask them apologize to you. If a person like this was difficult with someone else, too, you might first suggest to them that they give them and apology, instead of you. “Hey, I know you didn’t mean that outburst, but I think it really bothered insert person, you should say something to take it back.” You might not get an apology out of them for yourself this way, but it will put the thought in their heads, that when they lose control, they will cause lingering feelings that will need addressing afterwards.

Some will react badly even then, insisting the insulted party needs to “grow a pair, and shrug it off, it’s not like I meant it”. They’re not necessarily a lost cause, they might still mull it over and experience guilt they might not have had you said nothing. I once successfully made this point to my mother. Instead of apologizing to me, she was telling me I can’t take every word she says to heart, she’ll say hurtful things when angry, but not really mean them. To this I responded, that she is my mother. To me, her words feel like truth, even when I know they aren’t, because I love and respect her too much to just shrug off what she said.

If the person being difficult is normally very pleasant, or in a respected position, you might make a similar argument.

Personally, when people seem out of control for reasons unrelated to me, I will literally say that, out loud. Something like “You are being difficult/rude/loud for some reason, we can’t talk like this, we should resume this conversation after you take a moment”. But this is tricky if it’s someone I’m supposed to defer to, rather than the other way around.

If they don’t take that que to apologize once they’re back to being cordial, I might comment something like “I know I wasn’t the reason you got mean, but I’d still like to hear you confirm that you didn’t intend it”.

Once you start getting apologies, you might start having conversations about not taking it out on people in the first place, these conversations (and any real talk, really) need to take place while the person is calm, and likely to actually think about what you’re saying. Again, don’t present something they might feel is an impossible task, frame it so that it’s something they’ll feel is doable. Suggest they find an alternate way to deal with the feelings, that doesn’t target a person, but make sure to mention you don’t know exactly how that’s done. You might mention stuff that works for you, for reference, but ultimately it’s a skill every person kinda has to figure out for themselves.

Or go to therapy, for.

It is often said accepting bullish behavior in silence emboldens it.

Don’t.