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The original was posted on /r/asoneafterinfidelity by /u/Inevitable-Seance on 2023-07-04 18:35:07+00:00.

TL;DR: I know my WS doesn’t Love me. Also, what if I’m wrong about that?

2 years into R (2nd anniversary of DD, which ofc had to be a holiday), so I’m sharing something of the work from my journey, and referencing a book for “the pile” that’s likely already overflowing your nightstand. Part of why I wanted to share is, this isn’t applicable only to R, infidelity, or emotional well-being. It’s one of those books that’s circulated in the Corporate world, and is helpful from just a broad life skills lens too. It’s helped my betrayal-trauma-brain to work like it used to.

I have lots and lots of decisions I need to make, certainly the ones at work that I get paid for, and also banal ones every day, but most importantly, real ones, like on an existential level, real.

One decision I’ve already made is about here; this grey, compromised, less-than, Plane of being, where things like Truth, Devotion, and True Love (among many, many other things) are just absolute jokes. There used to be Yangs to the Yins of this place. I’ve made up my mind.

But I am open to the idea of re-thinking any decision I make. So, I wait. I give my WS more time. I give my marriage and family more time. My only chance is that there exists a future which is better than my past. My only chance is that there can be different choices for the decisions I’ve made and that were made for me (like, about who I am, what Values serve me, what I desire and what I deserve), and that there can be different choices for the decisions my WS has made (like, what kind of person they are and aspire to be, what does it mean to love and be loved).

Decisions and Change are inevitably intertwined, and this whole thing, R, existence, all of it, is about change. So here’s what I ask myself about decisions I make:

  • How can I see this with fresh eyes?
  • What might I be assuming?
  • Am I rushing to judgment?
  • What am I missing?
  • What matters most?

I especially use these questions to check myself in situations like R, where there isn’t data or calculus involved, and I have to “go with my gut”.

Because, here’s the thing: decisions based on instinct and intuition are wrong far more than they’re right. Studies prove that. “Go with your gut” is an easy solution to uncertainty, but the exact opposite approach to decision-making is actually true.

When it comes to important decisions, we can put less trust in feelings and more in evidence. We can seek input from outside sources and differing perspectives — to try to see past our own biases and limited views. We can generate more options to choose from when making a decision (which is a key element in arriving at better decisions). We can also factor in our limited tendencies to be overly cautious or too focused on short-term benefits, and strive to make decisions that are bolder and more forward-thinking. And most applicable, is that Reconciliation is nothing if not bold and forward-thinking.

The secret in “going with your gut”, is to remember that Feelings and Emotions are different. Language is a constraint, and those two words are used as synonyms, but they are not the same thing.

  • Feelings are the conscious experience of emotional reactions.
  • Emotions are real-time data sparked by sensations in the body.

Feelings are biased, altered by mental misconceptions, because your brain assigns a meaning to whatever emotional experience you’re having. This is hugely problematic when the brain that’s being used is awash in trauma (p.s. this is exactly what happened to our WS when they “didn’t feel loved”, etc. etc. leading into the affair. Our WS’s went with their gut and boy was that ever not good decision making).

Making decisions when “going with your gut”, requires listening to our bodily emotions and connecting it to the reality of our present experience, rather than to stories made of potentially inaccurate beliefs or biases. i.e. My WS doesn’t Love me.

In all decisions, but especially ones like R, these key 4 questions can be asked to check your biases and beliefs:

  • What am I inclined to believe on this particular issue? Start by trying to articulate your beliefs/biases. (For R, I started with my Values. Instinct and Intuition are tightly tied to Values)
  • Why do I believe what I believe? The ‘jugular question’ forces you to consider the basis of those beliefs. (For R, I explored how my experiences have shaped my Identity, and how my Values have evolved over time)
  • What would I like to be true? A ‘desirability bias’ may lead you to think something is true because you want it to be. (For R, I weirdly, would like to know that my WS doesn’t Love me, because Love is Eternal. That is certain. And I need certainly in the universe, At that “capital letter” level. That’s my bias.)
  • What if the opposite is true? This question is inspired by ‘debiasing’ experts. (For R, and why I’m actually posting… What if my WS doesn’t Love me, but the opposite is true?)