Can’t help but hear/read this in the voice of Richard Ayoade (as Maurice Moss in “The IT Crowd”) from the fire sketch.

Hey, it’s me, that person. I think about that thing you said all the time but won’t bring it up because it’d be awkward.

1. Never give your phone number to a web site.

Abstinence-only internet safety advice.

Somebody had to find out whether there really was a Mew under the truck in Red and Blue after all.

Careful Pinocchio, one more lie and she’s going to start choking.

Never mind the excavator, I want to hear about this catapult or whatever they’re using to launch 400-ton construction vehicles.

That’s why instead of drinking milk through my mouth, I ingest it aurally.

Hope they cited prior work by Horan N., Payne L., Styles H., Tomlinson L. and Malik Z.

Could be an interesting short horror story in that idea: toward the end of the lockdown, primary character is notified that their aunt and uncle are dying or have died. Took everyone by surprise since they were generally healthy but it was a sudden decline that put them both out of commission almost simultaneously. Aunt and uncle were a couple newspaper stacks shy of being full-blown hoarders before the pandemic but supply chain disruptions and panic-buying had sent them over the edge. Now their living space is dominated by buckets of freeze-dried macaroni, tubs of horse de-wormer and mountains of toilet paper.

Primary character takes the lead on cleaning out their home, doing some minor repairs and finding the appropriate assortment of tradespeople to handle the specialized work before putting the property up for sale. Slowly but surely, the hired crew and relatives conquer the clutter and find themselves having a good time working together in spite of the family’s grief and the enormity of the task.

Last minor details before putting it on the market are nearly done so to celebrate, primary character fires up the grill for a proper Fast and Furious family and friends finale. They’ll probably still end up throwing out most of what’s in the big freezer chest but this would make a dent at least.

In this comment section, it’s pretty obvious where the story is going. End with a big reveal to the crowd from a deep-diving freezer-rummager or let the primary character discover the truth alone afterward so they’re stuck with the knowledge of what happened and a decision to make on how to handle it.

Yes, it is the happiest Russian childhood in history.

Speak for yourself.

Officers are now looking for a silver Toyota Highlander…

Good news, that narrows down the field significantly. There can be only one.

People don’t seem to realize that “live by the sword” is just the first half of the common expression. On a related note, if we don’t have a plan to retake the southern states (again) stashed away next to the Canada invasion documents, somebody ought to get on that.

In the privacy of your home.

Natural choice for the red shirt too since he’s got 8 lives more than most.

Boldly going where no one has gone before. Nice work, looks ready to warp off the page.

Pobody’s nerfect. She’s more of a smokescreen for others in her party so they can keep on doing shady shit while she makes headlines with a pants-on-head-stupid quote of the day (plus a hint of dogwhistle to harvest outrage clicks).

bread Pitt

You might be thinking of Brad Pita.

I use a fine spray bottle for this fight instead. I mist where OP missed.

Somebody misread “ſeptember” and just went with it.