I thought I wanted to study piano, which means at least a bachelor. To this end I started saving and 6 months ago spent $40K on a small grand piano that I only play sometimes. I always relied on school and church pianos to play, but these are old, overplayed, cannot be properly tuned (old), the sound is awful and the mechanic too hard. Now at least I have my own grand.

The next logical step would be to stop working full time, work 20 to 30 hours a week to free time to practice, hire a teacher to prepare repertoire and music theory for a year, pass an admission exam, keep working part time and studying piano, end the bachelor, then rethink my life.

But I’m blocked: I’m scared of wasting money (teachers for instrument and music theory would cost at least $4.5K for the whole year, 2 hours each week).

I’m also not really sure I want to work part time: I’d earn half what I do now and while it would still be enough to cover my monthly costs, I’ve grown used to sleep, go to work, work, buy groceries, go back home, cook, eat and relax. I’ve grown lazy and sometimes don’t recognize myself.

The easy way here would be to forget about studying piano, play my instrument exclusively as a hobby, keep working full time a job I’m not passionate about but it’s solid and pays my bills and that would be it. I’m also in a union, so I’d have to do something outrageous to be fired.

But I sometimes hate myself for being so lazy and wonder, how come I cannot step out of this rut?

  • @jbrains
    6•30 days ago

    I believe that if you faced the judgment and self-hatred, the rest might fall into place. I have two general strategies to suggest, which you could use together.

    1. Practise looking at the thoughts like “I’m lazy” and “I hate myself of for being so lazy” and seeing them for the empty things they are. They’re just thoughts. They’re not even yours. They mean nothing. They consist of nothing.
    2. Look into the reasons for judging yourself lazy and hating yourself for it. Is there a voice you hear in your head saying these things? Whose voice is it? (Is it a person from your past or a part of yourself you can identify?) Maybe you’re reacting to something you were told or taught very young, which was helpful at the time, but not helpful any more.

    Your body wants to conserve energy or it’s afraid of overinvesting energy in practising the piano. If you saw that more clearly, you might more easily identify what to do next.

    I stopped studying piano when I realized that I wasn’t prepared to put in the practice needed to develop the raw finger strength and dexterity to play even medium difficulty Bach fugues. I saw what it took and the effort didn’t interest me enough to stick with it. I have invested that practice energy into something else instead and I feel much happier for it. I have a facility for music, but I’m just not that into it as a technician. I have enough to appreciate virtuosity in others and that’s enough for me. Maybe you can find something similar.

    Peace.