As a kid, I learned to “pause” my true self. School was the pause, and my hobbies, dreams, and passions were the unpause—something I’d rush back to during lunch or after class.
Over time, the pauses got longer. Tiredness and responsibilities crept in, leaving little energy to unpause at the end of some days.
At work, sometimes the pressure and the demands were so relentless that I couldn’t unpause for weeks or months at a time.
Then came marriage, fatherhood, and the joy—and work—of raising a child.
I want my son to get to know the real me but I worry that by the time he is grown I won’t have any “self” to unpause to.
Assuming this was regular force equivalent, I can’t truly relate, but as a teen I got injured and RTU’d on CAF BMQ as a reservist, eventually lead to seeking a discharge because in the time I was waiting for the next course, I just wasn’t interested anymore and Burger King was the preferable part-time job.
One thing I will say is, as much as possible, enjoy the small things you can get away with not being in boot (assuming you’re living in purely civvy circumstances). Make your bed? Fuck that! Hospital corners are for orderlies! I don’t know what it was, but straight refusal to make my bed for like a month or two was cathartic as fuck.
Acronyms? Nah fam, say the whole god damned phrase, every time, for everything (obviously I didn’t keep this up, lol).
Mine’s a sillier example, obviously, but taking this perspective might point you in a useful direction, at least a tiny bit. Hang in there.