WASHINGTON—In an effort to address voters hurt by recent actions that resulted in her being thrown out of a theatrical performance, Rep. Lauren Boebert (R-CO) announced Friday that she would personally jerk off any constituents she offended. “In the past week, I’ve heard from many supporters who were concerned by my behavior in recently released footage, which is why I’m offering to make things good between us by jacking you off,” said Boebert, instructing supporters to contact her office with proof of Colorado residency and she would personally travel to their home to deliver an on-the-house tugjob. “As a disclaimer, I will be wearing a latex glove and you need to wipe yourself off afterwards. I’m not going to do that. I’m serious about making amends, however, so feel free to rest your hand on my breasts, if necessary. Just know that this a one week only deal. So get in touch soon.” At press time, Boebert also warned her constituents that she planned to vape the entire time.
If you’ve ever been to Rifle, Colorado, you’d realize your theory is close than you think. But I’d go 5, not 6…
FYI: Rifle is the unkempt armpit of the Western Slope.
I’m from Georgia. Grew up around too many examples. They always think really highly of themselves too.
I used to work around the pipelines between Rifle and Grand Junction. Ate at her restaurant once. So much of that experience screams armpit.