Hi, I’m 46 years old and have had a diagnosis since childhood ( was call add then). And without getting to much into it have had many challenges throughout my life. I’m in a good place now where my own Strahles coupled with therapy and medication help me manage things. Up until very recently i felt like this was something to overcome with willpower but now I’m more like this is a storm I just need to ride along with an do my best. I work in software development and in my current job I’m ramping up to take on a lot more responsibilities and leadership. I’ll be dealing with people alot more as a result and I basically am looking for advice on what to do in those moments when I recognize I’m being too “much” without just having to explain that I’m neurodivergent or that I have ADHD. i know I can meet the expectations set in front of me i’m just looking to see how to smooth over the rough patches.

  • @jubilationtcornponeEnglish
    24•8 months ago

    I think understanding people goes a long way toward working cohesively and maintaining good relationships with them. Two books that I found really helpful are How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie and It’s Your Ship by Michael Abrashoff.

    A few cliff notes from my experience:

    • People are often driven by their emotions at the expense of logic. Be quick to forgive this. We’re all that way sometimes. Part of the human condition.

    • Use knowledge of the former to your advantage. People like to be trusted and given ownership of their job. Focus on clearing obstacles and enabling your team rather than micromanaging their work. If they learn to trust you, they will be much more prone to come to you for help before things have gotten out of control.

    • Balance criticism with praise. You need the job done right but your main goal is to help your team succeed. Their success is your success. Have hard conversations with them when necessary. Be direct but be kind. Have these conversations in private. As much as people need to know when they’re not performing as expected, they also need to know when they are. And, I would argue that they need this more. When someone does something right, tell them and mean it. It’s ok and sometimes even good to do this publicly. “John, that feature you implemented was great and your code quality was top notch. Thanks for doing that.” It doesn’t have to be more complicated than that.

    • Take responsibility for your own failures. You’re not perfect. None of us are. You will earn a lot of respect by being willing to own your mistakes, not to mention it shows you’re a person with integrity and at the end of the day, it’s worth more to know you can sleep at night because you did the right thing even if was hard.

    Good luck! I hope this helps.

    • @[email protected]English
      3•8 months ago

      I’m 34, was untreated for ADHD until a few months ago. I work in software development, and had various roles & responsibilities thrust upon me when people left. On top of that, managing a team through the COVID Lockdown and my own fracturing mental state really took a toll on me. The advice posted here is solid. When I took on everything, I had to learn these via Trail-by-fire. If I may add on:

      • Always forgive people for their emotions. This is solid, but remember to apply this to yourself. You’re human, too. On top of that, your ADHD is not something You’re at fault for. Forgive yourself, don’t punish yourself.
      • Having trust in your team is paramount. Backing them up, treating them as equals, and sharing advice you’ve learned from the previous generations will bolster them. I’ve had a lot of new people come in, asking “why were things done this way?” And I ask them “Knowing what we know now, how can we make them better?”
      • “Balancing criticism with praise” should be tattooed on the hands of anyone in charge of a team. Pulling people aside to let them know that you’re proud of the work they’re doing and how much they mean to the team as a whole is golden rule that pays dividends.
      • This does feed into forgiving yourself, be able to take criticism, but being able to take responsibility without coming up with an excuse is a tough one. I grew up with a father who would get overly physical with failures and mistakes. It’s in my nature now to make excuses so I don’t get beat. Hard for me to accept that everyone doesn’t think like my father does. But, failure is human. It’s a chance to learn. It shouldn’t be shunned as it should be observed and treated as acceptable.

      All that being said, this was a great post. Thank you both!