Even IF you somehow manage to navigate today’s maze of failures, rejections and heartbreak, what is your reward? To live yet another day in misery? To wait until climate change, war or disease does away with us?
A reward would be to be able to rest. I don’t mean death per sé, but it seems like that’s the only real-life thing left available to people like us.
Yes, yes, I know very well that “if nothing has meaning, YOU get to choose the meaning”. Except I don’t. Maybe if I was rich or powerful. But I’m poor, in poor health and powerless.
I read Camus’ Sisiphus, and I, for one, cannot possibly imagine him happy.
My friend, the reason Sisyphus is happy is because he achieves his goal everyday.
That isn’t the same for you, which is why you cannot comprehend him being happy.
It may be difficult right now, but can you think of something that gives you satisfaction? Not something that alters your state (drink, drugs, etc), but something that as you do it, brings you some sense of relief, or a slight smile?
I struggle with this massively, what I need to constantly remind myself is that myself as an individual cannot solve any of these problems. It would be like if Sisyphus’ task was to carry an entire mountain up the hill. But what I can do is identify my own boulder and carry that.
For example I recently got a micro-plastics filter for my washing machine. In the grand scheme of things does this make a meaningful difference? That depends on what you consider meaningful. Is it reducing the amount of microplastics in the ocean? Only by a teeny tiny amount, but it is dramatically reducing the amount that I am putting in. And that gives me some satisfaction. It is meaningful to me. Is it going to save the planet? Fuck no, but I feel better knowing that I’m at least not making the situation worse.
You clearly care about these big problems because you’ve mentioned them here, so what I’d ask you to think about is what would be meaningful to you? What is your boulder?
I don’t know. Until recently I had a real passion for collecting ancient coins, but my finances don’t allow me to continue this hobby, and my family is also quite dismissive of it in general. Last week I actually dropped a denarius of Tiberius (also known as a “tribute penny”) and it shattered. I destroyed a 2000-year old artifact that I loved with all my heart, and since I haven’t touched any other coins or looked at any online.
I used to think I was “good with computers”, but almost a decade of working in the field have shown me that no, I’m a low level amateur not even close to some 20-year olds who are professionals in the niche.
I’d say the most important thing in my life is my family, but I honestly don’t know if they feel the same. I know I can’t quite provide them with the kind of life they deserve and they probably resent me for that.
Apart from that I have my grandparents and mother and all three are in rapidly declining health.
If I was Sisyphus right now, I’d push the boulder to the top of the hill and let it roll over me on the way back.
So what do you want to be good at? What do you want to drive you? You have to look for your passion.
And your family doesn’t resent you for not making enough money. This is in your head, depression makes you feel this. They may feel distant, and depression can do this (if you don’t feel like spending time with them) or make you think this. Unless your kids are teenagers, then they probably do distance themselves from you because that’s a teenager thing.
Losing enjoyment in activities you previously did enjoy is a very common symptom of a depressive episode (as is everything else you’ve said), so please contact your doctor and see if you can get assessed. I don’t know what country you’re in, but I hope you’re somewhere you’re able to access the help you need.
I’m sure if your leg stopped working you’d go see the doctor, this is no different.
Who gives a shit what they think. If you enjoy something, and it doesn’t harm anyone else, then why should their opinion matter?
This sucks, but it wasn’t your fault. Accidents happen, and you’re not the first, or last, person who will have done this. I understand why you feel like shit, and it’s OK to feel like shit when something bad happens, but you can also forgive yourself for mistakes.
You’re clearly not an amateur if you have 10 years professional experience. You’re literally a professional by definition, your current skill level is valuable, and proves you are indeed good with computers.
Comparison is the thief of joy. No matter what you do, statistically speaking there will always be people better than you, and people worse than you. If you define good by the abilities of the exceptional you will most likely never be good enough. By all means identify areas you can improve, and even use other people as role models for that area, but artificially reducing your abilities is essentially a form of self harm. You’re making yourself feel bad as a punishment.
Accepting that no one is perfect, how are you measuring quality or standard of life for your family? Is it a realistic standard? For example, it’s likely unrealistic to have a standard where you were always at home, and able to focus on your families needs, but also earning enough money for them to be without wants.
This also sucks, but there’s nothing you can do here besides making good use of the time you have left. What would that be, for you, and for them?
I get that, truly, and I think is another reason you need to speak to medical professionals.
A few points. What you have regarding the computers is “imposter syndrome”, which basically means you are almost certainly better at it than you think you are. If you can get the job done then you are good at it, and it doesn’t matter if you think other people are better at it than you.
The best thing you can do for your family is be there for them and love them. Having a loving and happy parent or spouse is infinitely more valuable than having a wealthy one. Don’t underestimate your value to them in non monetary terms.
They might not realise that what they think is good natured joking is hurtful to you, so maybe try to get them to realise that your hobby is important to you and your mental health.
Basically don’t underestimate yourself and the positive impact you have on other people, and also take care of yourself so you can take care of them.