The advice to “just be yourself” is the best advice I can give, but I can elaborate. I should mention that I have severe ADHD, that 70% of ADHDers also have Autism (and that I feel I could be in that 70%), and also have some anxiety disorders too. I am also married and have been in poly relationships in the past. Here’s what I didn’t do:
I didn’t try to “fake it til you make it” with regards to confidence.
I didn’t follow any playbook. A friend of mine got super into the “[pseudo]science of seduction” which just seemed stupid and cringey so I ignored his advice.
I didn’t approach women in person often, and the few times it did it failed. I was akward, I had a stupid opener, she clearly didn’t want to be bothered, so I left (or she left and I didn’t follow).
I didn’t try to chat people up at their job.
What I did do:
thought long and deeply about the places where women would go to meet men. Aside from speed dating and maybe a sex club, I could come up with nothing. Every other place I could think of had issues: market? She’s shopping. At work? She’s working. At ladies night? Maybe but its possible she’s there to party, not to meet guys. School? She’s studying… none of these places were great places to try to meet women.
decided that I needed to try online dating. Tried a few sites and ended up on ok cupid for a bit. You know, the thing about online dating is that women sometimes go to online dating sites to meet men. I met some women, not all of them ones I connected well with. I had some flings. I was honest and ethical about the fact that I was poly and didn’t want to lock anyone into an exclusive arrangement with me.
I got jealous on occasion, but because I didn’t want anyone to “lock me down”, it was only fair that I didnt try to lock anyone else down. I worked on my jealousy. I read “the ethical slut” and started to understand and then feel compersion for my partners when they were off with other lovers.
There was a period in my life where I didn’t know better and would start being shitty when hearing the word no, following it up with “please?” Or “why?”, but i cut that shit off quickly when it became clear that this behavior wasn’t cute nor was it even remotely appreciated.
I worked at jobs and talked with women as people (e.g. I didn’t try to hit on them or be weird around them). Sometimes it was because it was a small company or sometimes a small team. This lead to some great friendships, and parties. A few times at these parties I met women who I later spoke with online and had a sexual relationship later.
One time I was going to go on a date with a woman later in the week, and later on met a married woman at a party. She wanted some attention, we danced, she talked about her shitty husband and said she wanted to fuck me, so we did after everyone went to bed, under a pop-up canopy during a thunderstorm. Great experience, she was happy and I shared that experience with the woman I had planned on going on a date later, thinking that she, who is also poly would find it exciting. She didn’t. She cancelled the date because I helped someone cheat, and that wasn’t very ethical. She was right. I didn’t mind at the time because her husband sounded like a chode and she wanted to cheat anyway, but it wasn’t something I will ever do again. I modified my ethics and behavior after that.
I went to burning man and was overwhelmed by how many extroverts where there, so I hung out near my tent. I happened to be caming near a woman from another state who was also an introvert. We chatted and hung out together, later hooking up and staying in touch before she became a trumper.
Another time at burning man, I hung out near a lot near camp (the burn is nice but there are a lot of extroverts!). I met a friend of a friend, asked her if she wanted to watch the spaceship liftoff (an art installation). Just something to do, not expecting or anticipating anything. I was attracted to her but mostly she was just around camp a lot like I was so we built up a small rapport. We watched the thing, went to a club and she asked if she could go down on me. We went back to my tent and hooked up.
I had driven a woman to burning man and was going to bring her back (rideshare). Long trip and we both wanted to stop at this hotsprings on the way back from the burn. We stopped there both got naked and got in the water. It was dusk, i felt like we had some rapport so I mentioned that I thought she was cute, or something along those lines. She said she didn’t feel the same, and I took no for an answer. We later kept in touch and I think I met someone else at one of her parties, but I can’t remember, it was a while ago.
In other words, I was myself… an akward, shy guy with basically zero game. I’m not the kind of guy who is showered with complients for being sexy, even in bed. I’m balding and have a belly. 5’ 10".
There really are people for everyone. Give up looking, and just be friendly / friends with women. Find clubs or activities that you enjoy and do those, especially if they are with others. You may just find people who are curious about you and want to get to know you more. Its so much eaiser talking with women when you see and treat them as equals.
Oh yeah I don’t even look for people to date, I can’t really be with someone that doesn’t know me well. It’s just the American suburbs are possibly one of the worst places for social interaction in general, there’s not very much of a way to meet people that’s not, like, harassing them while they’re trying to get groceries lmao (which is an obvious no).
Tangentially, why I want to live in a less car-centric area, I’m an introvert but damn it’s very isolating when everyone’s either at their house or in cars except when they’re busy. Too much asphalt and no sidewalks/bike roads/public transit and no city center or streets to be able to interact with anyone.
Also most typical people in my experience just don’t like it when those with mainly neurodevelopmental disorders are themselves… this is a shared experience with basically all of my ADHD friends, other people feel irritated or awkward when you don’t actively attempt to cover up ADHD (of course, in my experience).
I guess I should also mention that I am american. And yes the suburbs aren’t great for social interaction, the same goes for cities, though. If you like to drink, you can get some social interaction in a bar, and suburbs have bars, of course cities have more.
But since you mentioned NTs not wanting NDs to be themselves, who cares. Do you really want to be with someone you need to mask around 24/7? What if I told you that I met my wife, married her and then years later we both learn we are autistic. She having been diagnosed, me only speculating because of my ADHD, the comorbidity with Autism and some other clues about me that suggest I might be somewhere on the spectrum.
I never asked anyone who I dated if they were Autistic or not, but thinking back on it there were people who weren’t good fits. One person I can remember broke up with me because I would forget often and she had a nearly photographic memory. My wife and I went to counseling to better understand my ADHD as it seemed to her (reasonably) that I was lying to her.
Moral of the story is you can’t even begin to start finding someone for you until you are your whole, unmasked self. Keep in mind here you still have to be decent. If your stimming is actually inappropriate (e.g. public masturbation) then you will have to keep it legal at a minimum. I hate that I even feel the need to mention that, but I have seen some shit excuses online from people trying to excuse abusive behavior because that person is autistic. These people are usually just trying to be shitty under the guise of having a “a disorder” where they can’t help themselves.
If you have ADHD, my guess is you might have a few hobbies or interests. Do you, maybe in front of others, and just be your ND self. Some people will hate it and others will want to know more about you. People tend to gravite towards people who are “confident” which in this context I mean are confident doing their own thing, despite what anyone else mighr expect. You owe the world nothing.
The advice to “just be yourself” is the best advice I can give, but I can elaborate. I should mention that I have severe ADHD, that 70% of ADHDers also have Autism (and that I feel I could be in that 70%), and also have some anxiety disorders too. I am also married and have been in poly relationships in the past. Here’s what I didn’t do:
What I did do:
In other words, I was myself… an akward, shy guy with basically zero game. I’m not the kind of guy who is showered with complients for being sexy, even in bed. I’m balding and have a belly. 5’ 10".
There really are people for everyone. Give up looking, and just be friendly / friends with women. Find clubs or activities that you enjoy and do those, especially if they are with others. You may just find people who are curious about you and want to get to know you more. Its so much eaiser talking with women when you see and treat them as equals.
Best of luck to you!
Oh yeah I don’t even look for people to date, I can’t really be with someone that doesn’t know me well. It’s just the American suburbs are possibly one of the worst places for social interaction in general, there’s not very much of a way to meet people that’s not, like, harassing them while they’re trying to get groceries lmao (which is an obvious no).
Tangentially, why I want to live in a less car-centric area, I’m an introvert but damn it’s very isolating when everyone’s either at their house or in cars except when they’re busy. Too much asphalt and no sidewalks/bike roads/public transit and no city center or streets to be able to interact with anyone.
Also most typical people in my experience just don’t like it when those with mainly neurodevelopmental disorders are themselves… this is a shared experience with basically all of my ADHD friends, other people feel irritated or awkward when you don’t actively attempt to cover up ADHD (of course, in my experience).
Thanks!
I guess I should also mention that I am american. And yes the suburbs aren’t great for social interaction, the same goes for cities, though. If you like to drink, you can get some social interaction in a bar, and suburbs have bars, of course cities have more.
But since you mentioned NTs not wanting NDs to be themselves, who cares. Do you really want to be with someone you need to mask around 24/7? What if I told you that I met my wife, married her and then years later we both learn we are autistic. She having been diagnosed, me only speculating because of my ADHD, the comorbidity with Autism and some other clues about me that suggest I might be somewhere on the spectrum.
I never asked anyone who I dated if they were Autistic or not, but thinking back on it there were people who weren’t good fits. One person I can remember broke up with me because I would forget often and she had a nearly photographic memory. My wife and I went to counseling to better understand my ADHD as it seemed to her (reasonably) that I was lying to her.
Moral of the story is you can’t even begin to start finding someone for you until you are your whole, unmasked self. Keep in mind here you still have to be decent. If your stimming is actually inappropriate (e.g. public masturbation) then you will have to keep it legal at a minimum. I hate that I even feel the need to mention that, but I have seen some shit excuses online from people trying to excuse abusive behavior because that person is autistic. These people are usually just trying to be shitty under the guise of having a “a disorder” where they can’t help themselves.
If you have ADHD, my guess is you might have a few hobbies or interests. Do you, maybe in front of others, and just be your ND self. Some people will hate it and others will want to know more about you. People tend to gravite towards people who are “confident” which in this context I mean are confident doing their own thing, despite what anyone else mighr expect. You owe the world nothing.