I’ve actually been wondering about this for a while. Realised this is a really good place to ask!

So when you’re dating someone in Malaysia. How often do you like to check in with your partner? How much is too much or too little?

I’m a pretty independent nyet so once every couple days feels about right for me. And maybe share some funny link if it pops up. Any more and I start feeling this slightly smothering obligation hanging in the air. But I’ve heard a pretty wide range on what people think is normal / makes them insecure. Like some couples wish each other good morning and good night every single day kinda thing. (But also some couples wear 100% matching outfits when they go out. Pls just let me die instead)

  • dukeGR4@monyet.cc
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    1 year ago

    i am someone that demands a fair bit of personal and emotional space but even then I say good morning/night every single day to my partner. I only found out through this thread that people don’t do it and find it cringe and burdensome? never felt like a chore for me personally.

    i also personally think “checking in” with your partner every couple days is too little, I might as well not be in a relationship… at one point you would be settling down with them and will have to tolerate their physical presence in your own space, ie. intimacy no? unless people don’t want a long term relationship? in that case i’m certain there’s more casual arrangement…? but with this kind of arrangement checking in is not needed methinks?

    obviously go with your own flow, different people have different appetite and willingness when it comes to contacts, but i personally consider it as “wireless quality time”. The fact that we live apart, and only see each other 2-3 times per week, i deffo don’t mind spending less than a dozen minutes out of my day to text the other half. Sometimes it is the only “escape” i have from all the BS everyday life throw at me and for me that’s a peace of mind that i would rather sacrifice a dozen minutes of my time per day for

    • dcx@monyet.ccOP
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      1 year ago

      Hmmm. After bouncing this around in this post, I’ve concluded that I don’t mind pings throughout the day actually. It’s more about the expectation of being responsive at specific times every day, and always having to check my phone. I’d be totes okay with messaging if they were okay with me going dead for blocks of hours or a day or two here and there.

  • imaginelizard@monyet.cc
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    1 year ago

    Depends on what the couple is comfortable with, no? It’s not a consistent thing I think, there are times when once every few days are good enough, and sometimes it could be every day. The key I think is communication and the couple’s expectations in the relationship. If we’re on the same page, it shouldn’t feel like a chore. My gf and I wish each other good morning and good night every day, it’s a simple loving gesture that we show each other. And it takes no more than 1 minute anyway, surely our s/o is important enough to spare a minute a day. Anything that happens in between is flexible. We still have our own obligations to attend to, and not everyone feels like talking all the time, as long as we communicate beforehand, that’s fine already.

    • dcx@monyet.ccOP
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      1 year ago

      Oh no, am I the weirdo!?? (Yeah I know I’m a weirdo :')

      I don’t think it’s wrong to be in regular contact btw. And I guess I have other ways to express care, like I don’t mind spending solid chunks of time on relationship-related projects. But I’m the kind of person who has a hard time sticking to stable routines, so having this always-on obligation to send messages/ be responsive to messages feels super heavy to me.

      Please don’t let me be the only one! Haha.

  • a_HerculePoirot_fan@monyet.cc
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    1 year ago

    Don’t have a partner atm, but if I am dating someone, I don’t mind checking in a couple of times a day, but two things:

    • my partner shouldn’t expect me to reply immediately.
    • checking in should be for a reason (ex: you come across a silly dad joke and you want to share), for instance the daily good morning/good night would eventually feel like a chore to me in the long run, like a list of things you need to tick off on a checklist.
    • dcx@monyet.ccOP
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      1 year ago

      That seems pretty reasonable, the obligation / chore bit defo gets me

      Like I don’t mind if chat happens organically. But this feeling of like having to send someone a message every morning and night for life or they get unhappy is like ahhh bruh give me space to breathe

  • Enchanted@monyet.cc
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    1 year ago

    I’m curious what you mean by dating? Because I think the expectations shift slightly once it’s an official relationship. I do find it unfair though when partners expect a 180 degree change.

    Anyway you sound like a cat - https://www.huffpost.com/archive/ca/entry/are-you-a-cat-or-a-dog-in-relationships_b_6832072/amp

    I think different people have different contact needs and it will be easier if you and your partner align.

    This is the personal story part:

    I’ve felt suffocated by previous partners - the daily good mornings and good nights felt like checking in on a mobile app game.

    It’s not like I disliked or didn’t prioritise them, I am dating them after all. Most likely just a mismatch and lack of compatibility. My friends weren’t helpful either with their “aww he’s so sweet, I wish my partner was that affectionate”.

    Right now I’m with someone whose level of contact matches mine and honestly it’s the best and healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. I never ever thought such smooth sailing was possible.

    I used to say relationships are work and effort but we’ve been coasting so far. Touch wood, maybe we’re just very compatible :)

    I feel like a lot of finding a similar person is down to luck, so I hope you’ll find your person soon! If you’re with someone that has similar values and ways of dealing, communication will just naturally be easier. :)

    • jellodi@monyet.ccM
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      1 year ago

      I can’t with the good mornings and the good nights either. I consider that part of small talk and I just can’t stand empty chatter for the sake of it. I’d much rather be sent a funny meme that reminded them of me tbh.

      In my previous long term, I noticed that I could go about two days without needing to check in with them, and when he does come over, we don’t really chatter much about our day to day either; just enjoy existing in the same space together, doing separate things.

      I used to compare with other couples and wonder if we actually enjoy each other’s company.

      Your current situation sounds extremely promising though! I do think that comparison is a thief of joy. You don’t need to always have fun activities and constantly engage each other to be “loving” me thinks. If you’re happy, you’re happy. Don’t let other people (including yourself) think otherwise!

      • Enchanted@monyet.cc
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        1 year ago

        Hmmm I think people who do that think of it as a “I’m thinking of you”, it’s probably not small talk to them. I’m extremely not into it as well though, so that’s just guesswork haha.

        Sounds like both of you were on the same page for amount of contact! Just being together and enjoying each other’s company is underrated imo.

        My previous long term was exhausting because he wanted way more contact than I did - ended up I felt smothered and he felt unloved. My mistake was trying to give more than I could.

        Anyway, we all live and learn. Definitely happier to be in a much less stressful relationship now :)

        • jellodi@monyet.ccM
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          1 year ago

          It’s always coming from a place of love and affection I’m sure, but I feel like it’s almost formal?

          “good morning love”
          “good morning! have a nice day”

          It’s so… not intimate, but that’s just me!

          It really is underrated but it’s also somewhat overrated to think that “love conquers all” as well; you still need to be a responsible and considerate human being to your housemate that you “love” and have a good time with.

          Cheers to that, love!

  • jellodi@monyet.ccM
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    1 year ago

    What are you seeking out of a relationship? I can’t really wrap around my head a relationship that can go on days without checking in. Feels like you’re still very much talking about relos long-distance style, or also possibly living apart.

    I mean, if you guys lived together, talking once a couple of days would be a problem, me thinks, haha ^^"

    • dcx@monyet.ccOP
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      1 year ago

      Haha nooo living together would be fine! It’s not like I don’t enjoy seeing my partner. The pain factor is more about the obligation to stay in constant contact (check phone etc). For some reason that makes me feel like I can’t switch off and relax.

      Maybe this is just my house hobbit ways but I do not like being easily reachable. My phone is on DND almost all the time. How do people think if you can be interrupted by a buzz or a ding or a whatever at any second??

      And lol I can’t imagine living together with someone and not wanting to see them more than once every two days. Into the cellar with ye wench!

      • jellodi@monyet.ccM
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        1 year ago

        Hmm you still haven’t answered my question tho. What are you seeking out of this relationship, emotionally and physically?

        • dcx@monyet.ccOP
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          1 year ago

          I dunno, same thing everyone wants out of a relationship, I think? All that filthy

          spoiler

          hand holding and headpats

          Spoilers aren’t fun on Lemmy :<

          • jellodi@monyet.ccM
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            1 year ago

            oh wait yeah you did answer me lmao

            so physical but minimal on the emotional side of it

            typical I may know someone to introduce to you…

            • dcx@monyet.ccOP
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              1 year ago

              Garr I see what you’re doing and I’m not gonna be clickbaited into a reply here lolol

              • jellodi@monyet.ccM
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                1 year ago

                gotta generate that engagement to hit KPI before my boss comes back for evaluation in August bro tolong sikit

  • mrpokealot@monyet.cc
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    1 year ago

    How often do you like to check in with your partner?

    Daily at the bare minimum. I check in with my close friends daily, would be very strange if I only messaged my partners once a week or every 3 days. Too much would be maybe every hour?

    I do think good morning/good night messages are kind of creepy and excessive but I wouldnt be against wearing matching outfits just to annoy people :)>___

    • dukeGR4@monyet.cc
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      1 year ago

      damn, younger me used to wear matching outfit to uni with my then partner!! and i thought it was a fun thing to do! i do miss that grey T-shirt with Navy coloured GAP logo on it tho…

  • jellodi@monyet.ccM
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    1 year ago

    I think it’s cute to wear matching outfits when they’re like seniors though, no?? xD

    I don’t know, “check in” sounds so… I don’t know. Almost formal and separated. Of course, in my head I’m thinking these two people are living together. If they were, it’s natural to ask “want chinese for dinner?” stuff like that. I don’t know if that’s called checking in though. It’s only natural to communicate your day to day stuff.

    If living apart though… probably once daily on a minimum, yeah. But not like “what you had for lunch” coz i mean who cares right, after 1242342 lunches. But I do think anything less than that, relo is probably not a priority for them at that point. It shouldn’t feel like work. Aaaaaaaand if you need so much private space that you need to lock everyone out including someone you’re supposed to love… that just means that your work/life is out of whack… but I suspect you know that. :x

    • dukeGR4@monyet.cc
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      1 year ago

      well maybe not ask what you have for lunch, but just sending a picture of food lol. my partner had two dogs, she also sent me pictures of them on the daily. Same dog, same face, same personality but it’s just nice knowing that they’re well and alive? until one of them recently passed.

      so there’s some comfort in knowing that the other half is alive, fed and being full.

      • jellodi@monyet.ccM
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        1 year ago

        Sorry to hear about your fur baby T.T For most it really is like a child (I would argue better than a child, even…) but i ABSOLUTELY would trade good mornings and “what you had for lunch” with an actual picture of their lunch and 1000000000 times better if pets.

        I suppose I am okay if my SO sends me stuff for me to look at but expect no response, I would like to operate like that too while achieving the same goal (thinking of you) instead of the “Why did you ignore my question about your lunch but can respond somewhere else?” thing like arghhhhhh

    • dcx@monyet.ccOP
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      1 year ago

      Some lowkey burning here lol. I dunno, I don’t feel like quantity is well related with quality. Sometimes I gotta go in the cave and be a bear for a while.

      Or actually a cat I guess, I think @Enchanted is right. I get kinda “touched out” with too frequent contact. It’s nice to have the space to miss someone a little bit IMO

      There’s definitely an upper limit though even for you right?? Like if your partner was like pinging you for responses 30x a day

      • jellodi@monyet.ccM
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        1 year ago

        well yeah, why do you think I only check our discord once in a while

        How do you reckon this works out when yall live tgt tho, or is it like, too far away for you to reckon?

        • dcx@monyet.ccOP
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          1 year ago

          I just wrote a reply elsewhere, I think I clarified my position a bit for myself lol

          Hmmm. After bouncing this around in this post, I’ve concluded that I don’t mind pings throughout the day actually. It’s more about the expectation of being responsive at specific times every day, and always having to check my phone. I’d be totes okay with messaging if they were okay with me going dead for blocks of hours or a day or two here and there.

          • jellodi@monyet.ccM
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            1 year ago

            wow… I’m getting a clearer idea of what your last relo may be like…

            I don’t think a functional adult relo could work like that long term with the constant need to respond tho. That sort of expectation was a phase that I did go through in high school. The feeling of knowing someone is just WAITING and is getting more upset with each minute that passes is guilt I don’t need atm. Like I feel bad, but not bad enough to do anything about it… Especially if the text is just “what’s your lunch?” ugh.

            We gots things to do when we’re at work, and when we’re not, we just really do the minimum needed to not get a stroke (some of us do push this to the limits though) while making the most out of our personal time.

            I think I should lay off the petrol on you. I don’t want to destroy our excellent professional relationship as it is. 😂