The vampire gasped shortly after sinking his teeth into me.
“Jesus Christ! You taste awful!”
He continued to gag for a bit, or so I imagined anyway. I was too busy reeling from the shock of being bitten by a supernatural being to pay him much attention.
“Oh God it’s like I’m swallowing industrial-grade chemical waste! My first meal of the day and it’s this hot garbage!”
I was still in quite a lot of pain but not enough to let a complete stranger beat my ego to the ground.
“Hey man, chill. You’re the one who assaulted ME. Why are YOU complaining!?”
“Because I can’t stand it anymore! The way you humans do things. It’s totally wrong!”
“Hm?” I cocked my head. “Totally wrong?”
“Yeah! It’s freaking unnatural! You know why your blood tastes so rotten? It’s because all you humans eat these days is processed junk. Sweets filled with high fructose corn syrup, meat made from animals jacked up on growth hormones, canned food chock full of additives and preservatives like sodium benzoate and ascorbic acid-”
“Ascorbic acid’s a naturally-occurring vitamin though,” I interjected but the vampire ignored me.
“And that’s not counting all the vices you humans partake in! Smoking, alcohol, drugs, all that nasty stuff gets into your bloodstream, you know? Then when a starving vampire like myself comes along for a nice meal, they’re greeted to this absolute atrocity!”
“I mean I think I prefer being less appetizing.”
“Ugh. I knew I should’ve listened to Ichijou and moved to an Amish village overseas. At least those guys are a bit cleaner than the average human. I’m gonna find something edible for breakfast. Go fix yourself man.”
At this point I was starting to get annoyed. My deltoid was still sore from the bite, and this vampire seemed to be both deaf and more of an organic food freak than an upper-class housewife.
“Wait.”
The vampire stopped mid-step and growled, “What?”
I looked him in the eye, “Do you know why we humans love to eat?”
“…”
“It’s because we made our food taste good.” I continued. “Maybe for vampires, sucking blood is just a matter of obtaining nutrition, but for humans, food is more than that. It’s a triumph of our efforts.”
The vampire scoffed, “And your point?”
“Well, good things don’t find you. You have to make them yourself. That’s what sets us humans apart from you vampires. You vampires consume garbage right off the street, but we humans don’t. We take that garbage and mold it, thinking, inventing, re-thinking it until it becomes something valuable to us.”
The vampire and I stood in silence for a while before I eventually broke the pause.
“Anyways. I gotta get going. You’re free to tag along if you like though,” I added.
“And why in the world would I come along with you?”
“Well I know a place where you can get better blood, a whole lot of it too.”
“Hm?” His interest suddenly piqued, “Where are you going?”
I smiled, “The hospital!”
===
Years later, I read, in the news, the story of a young Tokyoite who had created a subscription-based healthy living start-up. The business model is quite unique. It’s entirely based on blood work, all in-house too. You get your blood drawn and tested on a regular basis. The results come back with a rating plus all sorts of statistics that most other places wouldn’t normally measure. You also get recommendations for improving your health based on the report and are supposed to follow them to improve your rating for the next visit. Most interesting of all, once you reach a high enough rating, the company actually makes you eligible for a blood donation program that pays you instead for getting your blood drawn, sort of like a reward for getting healthy.
After finishing that article, I was left with a vague sense of wonder. It seemed that guy had become a bit more human since our encounter.
“Urk!”
The vampire gasped shortly after sinking his teeth into me.
“Jesus Christ! You taste awful!”
He continued to gag for a bit, or so I imagined anyway. I was too busy reeling from the shock of being bitten by a supernatural being to pay him much attention.
“Oh God it’s like I’m swallowing industrial-grade chemical waste! My first meal of the day and it’s this hot garbage!”
I was still in quite a lot of pain but not enough to let a complete stranger beat my ego to the ground.
“Hey man, chill. You’re the one who assaulted ME. Why are YOU complaining!?”
“Because I can’t stand it anymore! The way you humans do things. It’s totally wrong!”
“Hm?” I cocked my head. “Totally wrong?”
“Yeah! It’s freaking unnatural! You know why your blood tastes so rotten? It’s because all you humans eat these days is processed junk. Sweets filled with high fructose corn syrup, meat made from animals jacked up on growth hormones, canned food chock full of additives and preservatives like sodium benzoate and ascorbic acid-”
“Ascorbic acid’s a naturally-occurring vitamin though,” I interjected but the vampire ignored me.
“And that’s not counting all the vices you humans partake in! Smoking, alcohol, drugs, all that nasty stuff gets into your bloodstream, you know? Then when a starving vampire like myself comes along for a nice meal, they’re greeted to this absolute atrocity!”
“I mean I think I prefer being less appetizing.”
“Ugh. I knew I should’ve listened to Ichijou and moved to an Amish village overseas. At least those guys are a bit cleaner than the average human. I’m gonna find something edible for breakfast. Go fix yourself man.”
At this point I was starting to get annoyed. My deltoid was still sore from the bite, and this vampire seemed to be both deaf and more of an organic food freak than an upper-class housewife.
“Wait.”
The vampire stopped mid-step and growled, “What?”
I looked him in the eye, “Do you know why we humans love to eat?”
“…”
“It’s because we made our food taste good.” I continued. “Maybe for vampires, sucking blood is just a matter of obtaining nutrition, but for humans, food is more than that. It’s a triumph of our efforts.”
The vampire scoffed, “And your point?”
“Well, good things don’t find you. You have to make them yourself. That’s what sets us humans apart from you vampires. You vampires consume garbage right off the street, but we humans don’t. We take that garbage and mold it, thinking, inventing, re-thinking it until it becomes something valuable to us.”
The vampire and I stood in silence for a while before I eventually broke the pause.
“Anyways. I gotta get going. You’re free to tag along if you like though,” I added.
“And why in the world would I come along with you?”
“Well I know a place where you can get better blood, a whole lot of it too.”
“Hm?” His interest suddenly piqued, “Where are you going?”
I smiled, “The hospital!”
===
Years later, I read, in the news, the story of a young Tokyoite who had created a subscription-based healthy living start-up. The business model is quite unique. It’s entirely based on blood work, all in-house too. You get your blood drawn and tested on a regular basis. The results come back with a rating plus all sorts of statistics that most other places wouldn’t normally measure. You also get recommendations for improving your health based on the report and are supposed to follow them to improve your rating for the next visit. Most interesting of all, once you reach a high enough rating, the company actually makes you eligible for a blood donation program that pays you instead for getting your blood drawn, sort of like a reward for getting healthy.
After finishing that article, I was left with a vague sense of wonder. It seemed that guy had become a bit more human since our encounter.
Great story! Loved the twist at the end.
Beautiful!