Whenever I see someone I’m interested in I always make sure I go and talk to them. That’s as far as I’ve ever gotten.

The way I see this working is as follows:

  1. somebody catches my eye
  2. I go over and talk to them
  3. we get along well, stuff develops in pretty much the same way as if I had just met a new platonic friend
  4. ???
  5. We start holding hands. I’ve watched enough films to see that it pretty much escalates by itself from there.

The problem is that whenever I’ve done this, they were either cool but didn’t show much of an interest in me, or their personality didn’t resonate too deeply with mine which was a shame because I still thought they were gorgeous.

Now I’m not looking for somebody to spend the rest of my life with. Because that will take a lot of meeting people. But I am in the mood to experiment with intimate relationships, and now. Part of me wonders whether it’s even worth it if they don’t share my sense of humour. But another part of me thinks the steps above might be constraining me to only one type of relationship, those of the lifelong sort, which is why it’s taking so long.

As you can see at step 4 there is clearly a gap between talking with them and holding hands that I don’t know how to cross, which I’d currently do by explicitly asking can we hold hands. I wonder if the thing I’m missing is also the thing that would progress things to the physical without the person being your soulmate. When you go to parties you see drunk people breaking the touch barrier together without talking. What’s the cue for that to happen? Should touch ever be the thing that advances a relationship with someone? How does that work? How do you make sure it’s mutual? Or is the way to go really to wait until I meet someone I get along with so well that something clicks?

  • Boinkage@lemmy.worldEnglish
    41·
    9 个月前

    I’m 36. It worked with 5ish women before I met my wife (worked with her too) while dating in my 30s. The sillyness is in some ways the point. Don’t take it too seriously, and only ask if you know the answer. Humans give lots of social cues when they want to be intimate: eye contact, smiling, touch, scooting closer, flushed cheeks, incidental contact of the knees or hands. Read those cues correctly and it won’t really matter what words you use because you will already know they want to. And humor is attractive.

    For whatever reason, probably societal conditioning, women tend to expect the man to initiate intimacy. It’s scary and nerve-wracking and a lot of pressure. But just throw this line out there. The worst thing that can happen is they say no thanks and you move on.

    I’ve found that women, even and perhaps especially adult women, enjoy playfulness, fun, and jokes. The world is serious and difficult. Dating can be a huge pain in the ass. Finding a partner that makes you laugh is often one of the top things women are looking for in a partner.

    • Victor@lemmy.worldEnglish
      2·
      9 个月前

      I mean yeah, all that is fine. I met my wife nine years ago today, we’re 37 & 38 – my first kiss with her was the same: could just feel it in the air and our body language. But we just started making out without any line, lol. I just went for it 😅 Only done that once in my life before then, but it was just after my previous marriage (finally) ended and I just wanted to really put myself outside of my comfort zone.

      In all honesty, I think maybe the line wouldn’t work with me, rather than the women. I think it’s too cheesy for me lol. I’m known for being goofy and having a good sense of humor but when it comes to romance I hang it up on the shelf. I prefer to be more serious then, I think. Not dead serious, but you know, romantic serious. 🫠