I’m a cis, heterosexual, white male. I also pretty heavily defend human rights, try not to be a skeeze ball, and like to think of myself as generally a pretty decent dude. During the height of the MeToo movement and the #NotAllMen thing, though, it really felt like society as a large, or at least the parts of it I want to occupy, viewed many aspects of my simple existence as villainous.
Believe me, I KNOW that no one reasonable has ever thought it was all men, or all white people, or all straight people, or all cis gendered people. That doesn’t stop it from hurting anymore when you’re walking around the city with a woman you consider a really good friend, and she’s posting pictures of stickers that actually DO say “all men suck” she finds to social media.
I’m also not blind. I know this is the same treatment that marginalized groups have faced since the dawn of time. Maybe it’s finally time for men to get theirs. Or, we can all acknowledge that any condemnation over an immutable human feature just plain sucks. Just my 2 cents on the matter.
During the height of the MeToo movement and the #NotAllMen thing, though, it really felt like society as a large, or at least the parts of it I want to occupy, viewed many aspects of my simple existence as villainous.
I just stopped bothering. My input was clearly neither desired nor welcome, so I stopped offering it. I’ll happily stay out of the way, but if they want active support I want to stop hearing that my opinion isn’t valid on any given set of subjects, before I even voice it.
Mostly the “man” part. Pretty clear in the OP I thought. I was quite simply born as a male, and happened to identify as that gender. A significant enough portion of the population seems to believe that, because a patriarchy exists, all men have benefited from it, and all men want to continue it. The same idea plays through well enough for skin color, and orientation.
I know what I am, I know my thoughts, my feelings and my intentions. It starts to play with your sense of self-worth to be told that these things, things that have never caused you to do anything to harm anyone else, must be bad parts of yourself, because look at what people have done in their name.
It’s not the same scale, no. I’m not facing segregation, and don’t have to fight for my right to vote. Any of a number of other advantages you want to point out. Yeah, I benefited in some ways from the circumstances of my birth. All of this, common talking points from the sides of the aisle that I want to belong to. The side of the aisle that believes that no person should ever feel marginalized because of something that they had no control over. To hear that, and then feel like these same people are telling you you’re part of the problem because of your existence… It’s not hard to see how that can really impact one’s sense of worth to the world.
telling you you’re part of the problem because of your existence… It’s not hard to see how that can really impact one’s sense of worth to the world.
I don’t mean to invalidate what you’re feeling, but that’s what it’s like to be a minority in America. I have dealt with that in some shape or form for as long as I can remember. Sorry, I don’t have any answers, but I do empathize with you.
Right. I explained in both of my previous comments that I understand that. I recognize that it’s a similar mechanism of action, and that relatively speaking, I’ve got it good. It’s really disheartening to see so many (the ‘left’ not you) getting so close to understanding that -everyone- deserves to be treated with respect by the default, and somehow turning it into a zero-sum game where, for it to get better for some, there must be a class that suffers.
Is it necessary? If so, it’s a zero-sum game. Fine. That’s just going to encourage an endless cycle of warfare to be the class currently not suffering.
If it’s not necessary, if it’s NOT a zero-sum game, then why are we treating it like it is?
I’m sorry that you’ve had to experience this. It terrible to have sexism not only impacting one group of people, but both/all. I haven’t experienced what you have, it’s not possible for me to exactly as I’m female. Could you share one or two specific examples that made you feel that way? It would help me to understand your experience to help paint a picture. You are under no obligation to, nor does my request imply your argument is invalid.
Sometimes discrimination can be more of a gut feeling. Sometimes it is obvious but hidden, and sometimes it is direct. I’m going to list a few examples. None of which left me weeping and defeated, but all of them felt unpleasant. I want to hear your experience particularly so I can avoid doing this to others, but also because your experience is outside of my own.
Some of my examples:
as a Flight Attendant, we have to do cabin checks every 10-15 minutes, this includes bathrooms. I’ve had two people go unconscious in the bathroom, it’s not personal when I knock and ask if you’re OK. I did so recently, the man came out shortly afterwards stood over me and shouted three inches from my face, “can’t I even take a shit?”. I responded, calmly (I’ve been at this too long), “any time someone is longer than ten minutes we have to check on them, I’m so sorry.” His response, “I wasn’t ten minutes, bitch,” and he returns to his seat.
I was a regulatory compliance manager having a regular meeting with the director of regulatory compliance who was like a mentor to me. He lived an hours flight away with his wife on weekends and rented an apartment to stay in near the office during the week. He knew I was divorcing at that time. He suggested we had future meetings at his condo, using phrases such as “I know you must be lonely,” and “I’m away from my wife too often.” I was polite but declined and changed the subject. He canceled our future meetings on the calendar, when I asked, via email, he responded by email to say I no longer needed his mentorship.
I was so proud to pass my private pilots final stage check with less than fifty hours, about average for our class but some took upwards of seventy. I shared my accomplishment in the class groupchat to be told, by a male student, “your examiner goes easy on women.” I didn’t press it because it was a stand alone comment amongst the congratulations, but I felt he implied that somehow my PPL was worth less than his.
It seems so silly to type out these things that hurt me. I almost feel it’s an unfair ask to commit yours to ‘paper’, I just don’t know how else to learn what your feeling, except to assume that your situation may be different but your feelings similar to mine.
To share some of my own experiences:
I’m a cis, heterosexual, white male. I also pretty heavily defend human rights, try not to be a skeeze ball, and like to think of myself as generally a pretty decent dude. During the height of the MeToo movement and the #NotAllMen thing, though, it really felt like society as a large, or at least the parts of it I want to occupy, viewed many aspects of my simple existence as villainous.
Believe me, I KNOW that no one reasonable has ever thought it was all men, or all white people, or all straight people, or all cis gendered people. That doesn’t stop it from hurting anymore when you’re walking around the city with a woman you consider a really good friend, and she’s posting pictures of stickers that actually DO say “all men suck” she finds to social media.
I’m also not blind. I know this is the same treatment that marginalized groups have faced since the dawn of time. Maybe it’s finally time for men to get theirs. Or, we can all acknowledge that any condemnation over an immutable human feature just plain sucks. Just my 2 cents on the matter.
I just stopped bothering. My input was clearly neither desired nor welcome, so I stopped offering it. I’ll happily stay out of the way, but if they want active support I want to stop hearing that my opinion isn’t valid on any given set of subjects, before I even voice it.
Time to cut off such “friends”. They don’t deserve your time
I’d rather have the dialogue, honestly. Better to have some discussion. Even if it ends in the same thing, one or either of us may learn something.
Can you elaborate on which aspects of your simple existence were perceived as villainous?
Mostly the “man” part. Pretty clear in the OP I thought. I was quite simply born as a male, and happened to identify as that gender. A significant enough portion of the population seems to believe that, because a patriarchy exists, all men have benefited from it, and all men want to continue it. The same idea plays through well enough for skin color, and orientation.
I know what I am, I know my thoughts, my feelings and my intentions. It starts to play with your sense of self-worth to be told that these things, things that have never caused you to do anything to harm anyone else, must be bad parts of yourself, because look at what people have done in their name.
It’s not the same scale, no. I’m not facing segregation, and don’t have to fight for my right to vote. Any of a number of other advantages you want to point out. Yeah, I benefited in some ways from the circumstances of my birth. All of this, common talking points from the sides of the aisle that I want to belong to. The side of the aisle that believes that no person should ever feel marginalized because of something that they had no control over. To hear that, and then feel like these same people are telling you you’re part of the problem because of your existence… It’s not hard to see how that can really impact one’s sense of worth to the world.
I don’t mean to invalidate what you’re feeling, but that’s what it’s like to be a minority in America. I have dealt with that in some shape or form for as long as I can remember. Sorry, I don’t have any answers, but I do empathize with you.
Right. I explained in both of my previous comments that I understand that. I recognize that it’s a similar mechanism of action, and that relatively speaking, I’ve got it good. It’s really disheartening to see so many (the ‘left’ not you) getting so close to understanding that -everyone- deserves to be treated with respect by the default, and somehow turning it into a zero-sum game where, for it to get better for some, there must be a class that suffers.
It’s not that there must be a class that suffers, it’s that there is.
Is it necessary? If so, it’s a zero-sum game. Fine. That’s just going to encourage an endless cycle of warfare to be the class currently not suffering.
If it’s not necessary, if it’s NOT a zero-sum game, then why are we treating it like it is?
I’m sorry that you’ve had to experience this. It terrible to have sexism not only impacting one group of people, but both/all. I haven’t experienced what you have, it’s not possible for me to exactly as I’m female. Could you share one or two specific examples that made you feel that way? It would help me to understand your experience to help paint a picture. You are under no obligation to, nor does my request imply your argument is invalid.
Sometimes discrimination can be more of a gut feeling. Sometimes it is obvious but hidden, and sometimes it is direct. I’m going to list a few examples. None of which left me weeping and defeated, but all of them felt unpleasant. I want to hear your experience particularly so I can avoid doing this to others, but also because your experience is outside of my own.
Some of my examples:
It seems so silly to type out these things that hurt me. I almost feel it’s an unfair ask to commit yours to ‘paper’, I just don’t know how else to learn what your feeling, except to assume that your situation may be different but your feelings similar to mine.
It’s sexism. The problem was he is male.
You’re so close. There’s just a bit further to go and you won’t be comparing losing your privilege to being discriminated against.
Can you point out which privilege he is losing (that everyone shouldn’t have)?
(nope)
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