I typically don’t care about things like hairstyle, makeup or clothes. But my wife has started giving herself a buzz cut and I simply hate it. I told her and she grew it out for a while, but she said longer hair was making her depressed and it needed to be a buzz cut. She said it just looks like her when she sees it. Part of me thinks that’s gender euphoria and she’s just around the corner from realising that she’s trans. I would not be comfortable continuing the relationship in that case. (She has said she feels a-gender but not male).
I’ve tried to tolerate it, but I dislike looking at her now and it’s contributing to me being depressed now. I don’t want these feelings every time I look at my wife.
We’ve generally had a good relationship over about one and a half decades, with two young children. We’re also codependent and own a house together.
It would make things difficult if we separate. I really don’t want to separate just because of a haircut, but I’ve definitely been thinking about it. I just don’t know what to do.
Believe me, I’ve tried. I’m sure there’s plenty of people who would be fine with it or even like it, but I’m just not one of them. I’m also sure I’m not the only one who dislikes the look of a buzz cut on a woman. I’m having trouble maintaining a relationship with someone who has a look that I hate.
I would be fine if this was temporary but she’s made it clear she never wants to grow it out at all. Not even a pixie cut.
I’d be happy to hear advice that would help me ‘get a fucking grip’.
It’s pretty obviously not the haircut itself that’s the problem…if she went back to having long hair, would you think, “Great! I suddenly no longer have any concerns about my wife’s gender identity!” There’s something more going on there, whether it’s real or just in your head. Go to therapy. Ideally as a couple, but individually if you have to, to get to the bottom of that.
If I’m honest with myself it’s hard to pin-point the real source of my feelings. I guess it’s a mix of things. But, at the moment I do think the largest issue is that I don’t like the look. My concern about gender identity is one that comes up every now and again, mostly because she made a comment about how good that hairstyle made her feel which sounded like gender euphoria to me. She assures me that’s not it, so I think I would be OK if she was happy to grow her hair out.
I guess you’re still right about couple’s therapy. I did try to organise it at one point, but it got difficult. I’ll take it more seriously now.
If she’s sure it’s not a gender thing, what about a nice wig for dates and that sort of thing?
What Volkditty said is the best answer here. I think it’s time to get professional help. The worst case it will help you with separating, but the outcomes could only improve from there.
Assuming he gets a good therapist… good luck with the search, OP!