Often when I start feeling guilty for putting off a task (even if I genuinely didn’t have time), the guilt makes it harder for me to get back to it. It’s an additional emotion that I have to barge through in order to get started.
What if the person is annoyed with me for still not having replied? What if they’ve followed up with a strongly worded email that I’m now going to have to suffer through? And I’m going to have to come up with an excuse for taking so long. This would have been so much easier if I’d done it yesterday.
The guilt increases exponentially. How do you dispel it so that it’s not in the way of actually getting to the task?
(Alcohol and sleep deprivation does not count)
Acceptance.
Accept that you are imperfect.
Accept that all humans are imperfect.
Give light apologies out of respect if necessary, but know that you did what you could and it’s ok that you failed to do more, so don’t take the failure to heart.
Life is short, and living in anxiety takes away your quality of life like a sickness.
If guilt doesn’t improve your life, then it needs to be cut out.
Your happiness is more important than someone else getting a prompt answer.
Respect yourself.
Also, fuck 'em. You do you.
100% this. I found the book “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brene Brown to be very helpful with mentally working through this. I still feel guilt occasionally but knowing that I am the way I am and that guilt does not provide a productive resolution to the “problem” typically is enough to pull me through.
I sometimes start an email with “apologies for the delay” and just continue as normal.
My go-to is similar: “thanks for your patience.”
Tons of great advice I here.
I want to add that in addition to processing your feelings around that guilt in healthy ways, it is also a good idea to check in and see if you’re doing the things that will help make managing your ADHD easier.
Things like:
- Getting enough sleep
- Eating healthy meals
- Getting exercise
Those take work, especially when the ADHD fights back against forming habits, but they can help create a positive feedback loop.
I also recommend taking 10 minutes a day to just sit, close your eyes, and focus on your breathing. If you notice your mind wandering, congratulate yourself for noticing, let the thought be, and return to your breathing.
Every time you “notice and return”, that’s one pushup towards building the muscle that recognizes when (especially unhealthy) patterns of though start to form. That will help you make good choices about when and how to engage with those thought patterns before they sneak up on you and start driving the bus.
I also recommend taking 10 minutes a day to just sit, close your eyes, and focus on your breathing. If you notice your mind wandering, congratulate yourself for noticing, let the thought be, and return to your breathing.
That sounds like it’ll be life changing when I get around to trying it out in a year and a half.
In writing it out, I was very conscious of how long its been since I was doing it regularly, and how I’m absolutely going to start it again “soon”.
Start with doing it for just 30 seconds. An assisted pushup against the wall until you ate strong enough to do it for real.
I agree with [email protected] that when dealing with people, you acknowledge the delay with a simple apology, and move on to addressing their issue. People can easily smell bullshit, and in that, they would lose respect for you for trying to “outsmart” them. So keep it super simple, and honest.
As for putting off tasks, I keep a note on my phone that lists everything I need to do. It’ll never be an empty list. It’ll grow and shrink over time. While I call it “Due Today”, I don’t actually put any priority on things, but they are things I should be able to do during a day.
It helps me get things out of my head, and takes the pressure off by acknowledging that there are things that need to be done, and won’t be forgotten. And when I do start ticking items off, it feels really good (yay dopamine).
If something is truly important, I add it either to my calendar (if it’s at a much later date) or my reminders (flagged high priority). Or, I force myself to do it immediately (if it’s not too overwhelming).
It’s not perfect, and neither am I. As long as I keep busy doing stuff, I feel fine. But like you, I do get guilt/anxiety when I stop to take a break or do nothing for more than a minute or two. This is where breathing exercises come in.
Nothing fancy. As the song goes, “breathe in, breathe out…” Long, slow breaths in; hold for a few seconds; long, even slower breathes out; pause and be mindful on how i and my body feels in that moment; rinse and repeat a few times. If you’re tense, relax those muscles for a moment.
My go to recommendation for understanding our ADHD more is HealthyGamerGG in YouTube. He a psychologist and although he covers many topics, there is a wealth of ADHD content, like hours long streams with either predefined topics he will discuss or handling questions from Chat or even the ADHD memes.
Regardless of ADHD, guilt is often not useful, and a choice we make.
I highly recommend reading Wayne Dyer’s “You’re Erroneous Zones” - he explains how to use Cognitive Behavioural Therapy techniques to reframe things like guilt.
Ooh, do you think you could briefly explain how he suggests that guilt should be re-framed?
One timing I don’t see mentioned here is to learn what you can about ADHD and executive dysfunction. The more you know “this is the ADHD” the less you need to blame yourself. If you don’t understand the condition as fully as possible then we blame ourselves by default.
Hey, feel like that a lot.
Just like most of the people here I try to accept that I’m this way, and even if I don’t want, I will not do things and feel bad. I try just to apologize and get the thing done if possible. Not much to do besides that.
Also when I’m on a low mood moment these feelings of guilt appear to be enormous, but eventually you get yourself up an they are manageable. Being burn down by that is pretty common for me, so I wish you some rest!
That’s true, I’ve found that just like how there are moments when you feel less and more prepared to jump into cold water or step into a cold shower, there are moments when I feel less and more ready to face that guilt, so it is worth taking a moment to wait for the feeling to be right.
