CW: Depressive thoughts of an asshole
Do you think that you are a good person? I don’t. I’ve tried to be one for a long time, act like one to those close to me. But I just don’t think it will ever happen.
Some context: I’m a young person living in the Western world. My family are upper-middle class, and loving and supportive of me. I was raised with a strong moral compass, particularly about social issues. As I’ve grown, I’ve become more and more aware of the way that I live. My socio-economic circumstances mean that I’m probably in the top 10% of the world’s population, where the biggest polluters are.
To explain my problem with this, I’ll put it in simple words: the climate crisis kills people. And so, by contributing to it, I am a murderer. You can argue this point all you like. That its a bigger issue than me, that my own emissions are only a fraction of those of the top 1%. But just because someone else has hurt people more doesn’t mean that I haven’t hurt people. One of the scariest parts of this is that it means, wherever I go, the people around me are most likely murders by my own definition. My peers, mentors, neighbors. But they don’t know. They don’t think about the fact that they have contributed to people’s deaths. Ignorance is bliss.
All I want to do is help people. That’s what I want to do with my life: reduce pain and suffering. I’m thinking of going into medicine. But I wake up every morning and go to bed every night with the knowledge that I am doing the opposite. I try to do a little bit: eat less meat, don’t fly, buy less clothes. While I drive places and eat food shipped from far away, watch other’s do things without objection. And the little I also isn’t quite genuine, sometimes more motivated by the fear of the guilt I’ll feel if I do not do it.
I’m going to be real: I’m so scared. I don’t know how much longer I can keep doing this. There’s a line from some song “You’ve got to live with the pain or start feeling nothing at all”. What happens on the day that I start feeling nothing? I’ve had them before. I think the scariest thought of them all is that I become a mindless consumer, working 9-to-5 in an office job. And when the headlines show the deaths from the latest storm or heatwave, I can point and say: “I helped with that”. Yours faithfully, A fellow stranger
P. S. Thanks so much for reading my deranged rant of self pity, and I hope you have a wonderful day P. P. S. If you have any interesting thoughts, it would be much appreciated it you would share them
A lot of what you say resonates with me. Perhaps something that has helped me greatly may be of use to you.
Know and accept what you can control. It is the only way to be happy, fulfilled, and passionate. When I was younger, I wanted to change the world. As I got older, I started to be depressed (for many reasons) but this one thing really changed me long term. An individual has no control over their peers, strangers, or even family. They may be able to sway some opinion but other people in the end have full control of their own path. The only person you can control is yourself.
This idea may seem disheartening at first, but it is the truth. Learning how to work with this limitation is a sign of great self-awareness.
An example for me: I cannot as an individual save the planet. Can I take some action to do so? Yes. Can I speak to others about my concerns? Yes. Does that matter? Yes. Knowing that is the extent of what I can do is imperative and it sounds like though you understand some of the concept of the limitations of your influence and control, you have not yet accepted it.
Limitations of influence and control are not a burden, but rather is a freedom! Imagine trying to bear the weight of the world! Knowing and accepting that one individual is limited in control is a relief as worrying about others you cannot influence is draining and only will drag you down.
I hope these thoughts are helpful. It took me years to start to actually put these thoughts into practice and I have been a lot happier since. Therapy can also help if you have a good person to speak with.