My wife thinks I hate animals. Whenever the kids ask for more pets my wife instinctively goes, “Your father won’t like it.” And I make a big show about being annoyed.

Ive been lying for my entire relationship. It started when I was dating my wife, and she made a big deal about how her dog hates strangers. So during the initial visit, I hid treats in my pockets. The dog saw me as a magical snack fairy. My wife was amazed and I scored some points with her.

Over time, the dog loved me more. Then we got two kittens. She had to leave while I worked at home, and the kittens saw me as their owner. By the third year, all the animals snuggled with me while my wife would sit alone on the empty side of the sofa. And she’d feel jealousy and sadness.

So Ive started to make a fuss about the pets. Id move them off of me. I’d ignore them. I shoo them away if they were too close. Over the years, they went towards my wife (and then kids) for affection. And as we got more pets, it kept happening. Two dogs and five cats over fifteen years. They’d all start with giving only me affection until I train them to latch on to another.

It doesnt bother me to be the bad guy, if my family can be the good guys. And I still give them affection/pets when nobody is around.

Tl;Dr: animals love me but that makes members of my family jealous, so I have to lie and pretend I hate them.