The love of my life died when she was 38. Our four children were 15, 13, 11 and 9 at the time. They’re currently 22, 24, 26, 28. I did my best that I knew how to do. I know it is not what they deserved. I could never take her place.
I do not think that I can impart, with words, how hard it was keeping her from the things that would harm her most. Aa time goes on, the trauma hits me harder, as I let it in, little by little.
I love my late wife. I love the mother of my children. Keeping her from hurting herself was… Difficult.
The wracking sobs as I called 911, while performing CPR on her. It’s been almost 15 years and it’s still traumatizing.
Her mother blames me for her death. To be honest. She might be right. I didn’t keep her baby safe. I could have tried harder. I could have insisted on her being committed. I could have abrogated her right to self determination. But I didn’t. And that’s on me.
But I can’t tell her mother that. Or her sons or daughter.
Instead. I tell you. Thanks for listening.
I can totally appreciate the guilt you are feeling, it’s human to look at all the things one might have changed when something tragic happens. But at the same time, when a person is suffering, there is only so much other people can do to help another. Really.
As an outside observer, you late wife’s mom is saying shitty things because she’s wracked by grief and misses her daughter. It’s easier for her to blame someone else than to face the grief, and possibly face that she too had a part to play in her daughter’s health and wellbeing. Who is to say that with better upbringing as a child, your late wife might have made different choices? I’m not saying your mother in law is at fault, much as she shouldn’t be saying it was your fault either!
Anyway, look, whatever happened was a fucking tragedy and all you can do is to deal with a day at a time. I’m sure there was happiness, so focus on that and remember that a part of your wife lives on in your four children, so keep on going for their sake.