Nearly every day at work or in school, or within my friend group, someone tells me I’m valued and make the world a better place. I am doing research on something important to me, getting a degree in environmental science, just did a production as stage manager and got to sew costumes to make my trans friends feel amazing on stage, and I still get home and think about blowing my brains out most days. Last winter I hospitalized myself again hoping to break the cycle of misery, and that didn’t work. I’m one of the lucky suicidal people who can leave the house and interact with other humans (some of those love me, and I love back), but even that isn’t a cure. Nothing has made life worth living, and after all these years I still don’t know what would.