hello
just got my neuropsychological evaluation results:
- level 1 asd
- turbo adhd
- eating disorder (more specifically, pica syndrome)
also a bunch of other things that aren’t disorders themselves (neuroticism is the only one i can remember)
honestly, the primary feeling to me coming out of this diagnosis is “it’s not my fault i’m a total mess”. i thought the asd diagnosis would be more validating, but the fact that i’m in the 99 percentile in a lot of aspects of adhd really validates how i felt about this shit being really hard for me but easy for other people. it really flipped my perspective from “jfc i can’t get my shit together” to “holy shit, how am i still alive and able to earn a living while living 1000 miles away from my family??”
i’m not gonna let this justifying not even trying to be better, but it makes me more assured that i am really trying my best, that failures will happen, and that i should be kind to myself and honest about my limitations
also, i bought a dishwasher and my depression has been cured. why wasn’t i told about this before?
anyway, hello
asking for help is the hard part, exactly because of the other “minor” things that were diagnosed. according to the evaluation, i display some schizoid traits in that i, for instance, have a very hard time opening up to other people, especially when i’m not feeling well, because i feel deeply that i’m bothering them and that they hate me for pestering them. the consequence is that, instead of looking for my friends when i’m feeling down and neglecting them when i’m feeling well, i only get in touch when i’m basically feeling fantastic (e.g. right now). any discomfort makes me immediately isolate myself for comfort
i feel like the formal diagnosis + meds + therapy are going to help me with that, but it also feels like it’s always gonna be a struggle