This will be my first Christmas without her. I’ve already had our first anniversary (23rd) and her first birthday (44th), and now Christmas, New Year (which we always spent together) and my birthday.
The problem with this diagram – with this theory – is that it assumes the outer circle can grow. That it is not moored, permanently, to the inner circle.
I am so sorry for your loss. I’m sure it feels overwhelming and neverending right now. In my experience the diagram is pretty accurate, but they fail to mention that sometimes it can take a very long time to grow around the grief. And while it may not be a long time chronologically, to your mind and heart it will feel like an incredibly long time. But it will happen. One day you will be able to breathe a little easier. The weight of grief will feel a little lighter. And you might even feel a little guilty about it, but thats when you have to give yourself a reality check. That person you loved, loved you back. They would have wanted you to be happy. You have to let yourself accept the lessening of grief too.
Holidays are hard for me too. I lost the most important person in my life a few years ago on Dec 15th so christmas is especially challenging. Anyway, if you need someone to talk to who gets it, you can pm me.