Hey all
I want to write down some of my feelings as of recently. This post may be a bit messy and badly formatted, I apologize. Let me first introduce myself: I am a 20yo man in Canada. I recently this year got my first “career” (programming) job with a very nice team. I am very introverted and have always been. I also have a second job on one day of the weekends because I truly love it and it makes me get out of my home, it’s a very fun place to work at and the customers and colleagues are awesome people. I was in school during the pandemic (I was 16 at the time of the lockdowns) and during that time I just spent all day on YouTube or Reddit or whatever. Did nothing productive. Because of this I’ve never had a girlfriend or good memories of my last high school years.
Fast forward 4 (5) years and I seem to have kept this attitude of laziness. I feel like I wasted so much of my teenage years and that I’ve missed out on so much stuff. That combined with my programming job keeping me in front of a screen all day makes me so fucking sad. Especially because most of the time I work remotely. Feels like shit when you’re done with your day and the only thing that you want to do is to scroll instagram or Lemmy or YouTube.
I know part of the reason that I feel this way is because it’s November and the winter is coming and fuck the winter. The night starts at 4PM. During the summer at least after my day was done, I would go out on a walk for 1h with my camera and take pictures od stuff I found interesting. Now I can’t do that because the sun sets before I’m even done with my day.
It just feels like I don’t have a purpose/objective in life. I don’t have any non-material objectives. And also I don’t want any material objectives because this means this will push me into a grind mindset that will keep me inside even more.
I have very little good friends, and I can’t say I’m really close to them yet. I am trying to separate from my high school friend group who turned ultra méga Maga trumpists recently. Last week I went to a rave with very nice people and mutual friends that I felt a connection with, but it feels like those people will be rave-friends that I don’t see outside of these specific events. I think I am that “secondary” friend, I am not anyone’s best friend nor do I have a best friend. The worst part of seeing people irl at events for me is the crash after I go back home. It feels even worse to be alone after having an good time with people. I also feel like I have trouble finding people like me.
Maybe I lack some social clues or intuition to get closer to people. I don’t get invited when something is in planning a part from my family. Maybe if I get closer to the new-ish people that I was with at the rave they will start to consider me more, but I have no clue how. They are great people but there is not much that we can relate with, they are more in art fields and I am more tech oriented. But also I don’t want to be friends with people who only are obsessed with tech because those people are also like me and don’t go outside. And I also don’t want to seem like that one obsessive person that doesn’t let you go. I dont have many people that I talk with so sometimes for me it feels like I may be trying to reach to them too much and I may be bothering them.
My week programming job, I like it, and I like the people I work with. But I just can’t feel like I enjoy doing it. I really can’t see myself sustaining 45 more years of this every single day. It’s rare that after I close the lid of my work computer that I feel happy about my day. It happens but it’s rare. I dont feel motivated to do stuff that I like. I don’t even really enjoy programming anymore. Before I used to always be coding something or playing with my server but now I don’t want to after spending my day doing exactly that but for making someone else rich. I am starting to think that working in my passion field might have been a very bad idea because I have lost one of my biggest interest points.
I don’t know what to do. Maybe I could consult to get formal mental help, but I would rather try things on my own first. I don’t think I am in a “true” depression because I actually do stuff and want to do stuff. I don’t have dark thoughts or anything. It’s more that I am not happy with the state of my life currently. I am not sad, but also I am not happy either.
Sorry again if my text is a bit badly worded, English isn’t my main language and it’s late Thank you for reading this
have you ever considered the possibility that you may be neurodivergent? i have always had the same struggles, and learning about ADHD and autism in adulthood really helped me to give myself some grace. it also helped me understand that I’m just on a different wavelength than most, and my closest friends are all neurodivergent because we understand each other’s language.
I wish I could write more, but I’m out of spoons myself. But here’s something many people learn the hard way: you gotta go find therapy before you “need it”, when you really need it, you might not have the strength to go look for it. Good luck
Thanks, this is really good advice. I will try to find something before Christmas period is over because I assume it could be worse after having a good time with my family.
Just want to reach out and tell you that you’re not alone and that many people struggle with this. I’d suggest you find something you like to do outside of work that you’re passionate about (but have always pushed to the side). Doing a sport, picking up another hobby (maybe with a social aspect to it). You’ll feel more comfortable with being by yourself and might find it easier to socialise too. Plus being surrounded with like-minded people will help get out of your comfort zone and find people to connect with.
Maybe check out a couple dating apps to find new people to talk to, hang out with? Doesn’t have to lead to a relationship but overall just getting out there and meeting people will help.
I also struggle quite a bit with stepping out of my comfort zone. Back in 2019, I came fresh out of a breakup and feeling very similarly to you. There was a party I was invited to which I normally would not have gone to because I’m more of an introvert myself too. I decided going against my gut feeling and went there. Met a girl there, we became friends. We’ve now been together for almost 6 years and all because I stepped out of my comfort zone. It can be hard to put yourself out there, but the outcome can be worth the slight discomfort you might feel in the moment. Just a little perspective and anecdote.
Your post was quite long, so I’m not sure if you’ve mentioned, but how’s your relation to your family? Do you still live at your parent’s? Do you have siblings whom you might be able to share your thoughts and feelings with? Just spitballing.
Hang in there, buddy. Spring will roll around sooner than you think. Just a few more weeks and the days will start to get longer again. Love from Germany ❤️
Hey, thanks for the reply. I still live with my parents and I have a good relationship with everyone in my family. I have never felt at ease discussing how I felt about personal stuff with people. I have no idea why. I always keep it inside me. I will try to make an effort and talk to my mother about this… I might also add that maybe I am feeling this way because it’s late today and I am tired (and my mind is going crazy thinking about my situation today, not sure why, doesn’t happen usually). On another note, I have the day off tomorrow because I have an activity with a friend, so not bad for a Monday! For the parties, I will try to strengthen the link with my newer friends to 1. Replace the trumpist ones that don’t even consider me apart of the group (🖕🖕🖕🖕) and 2. to get included as part of their group. For the hobby part the problem is I don’t really have a hobby. I really like cars and mechanics, but that is a lonely hobby as well and I don’t want a car because I think they are stupid for city life (and not worth the trouble). Dating apps I could try, but I would prefer without. I think they have the potential to do more bad than good especially in terms of self-confidence.
Anyways thx for your reply, it’s motivating to see I can get out of it. I feel like I’m on a good path since I met the new people. Maybe I just want things to move faster than they can. Time will tell I guess
Good family relations is something to be jealous of. Cherish it, for sure.
I feel the discomfort in opening oneself’s emotions to another person. It alleviates some of the weight you feel with these emotions, though. Being heard, understood, feeling empathy for your conversation partner - it’s really good and helps in the long term.
Oh yea, long day at work, it’s dark out, you’re exhausted - I feel you. It’s ok to feel this way and it’s natural that you do.
That’s awesome! Are they a friend you’ve been friends with for some time now or is it a new friend?
Humans are super social beings, so striving towards belonging to a group of people, to a movement is awesome. Just make sure to not lose your true self in trying to adapt to your group, ie. don’t change your character traits and who you are just to try to fit in. You’re you and that’s awesome. Keep it that way. We have the luxury of not having to stay in contact with people whose company we don’t like and appreciate - like Trump supporters, for that matter :D
Is there anything else you have interest in? Maybe gaming? Not having to see people when talking to them makes it easier to connect to them in my case, for example. I probably wouldn’t be able to go into open voice chat and talk to strangers but finding people to play games with and talk to via Discord can be really cool.
See your point about dating apps. I personally wouldn’t use one either if I were single. I just know of some friends and acquaintances who have connected with other people outside of romantic relationships via apps, so I thought I’d throw it in the ring.
Of course, dude! It’s a process that takes time, and you won’t always notice progress. However, you’ll feel better in the long term once you develop good habits, find like-minded people to hang out with.
Hey, thanks for the reply. I already feel better after sleeping. Not sure why I was in this weird spiral last night. I hope it doesn’t happen again, that wasn’t fun. For staying myself, it’s actually the biggest reason I want to get in the new friend group. They just don’t really judge people and will accept me for who I am. This is compared to the trump people who I had to change some things to kind of fit in.
For the gaming part, I think the big part of my issue is I don’t outside enough. I need to see real actual people to feel like I did something with my day. During the winter I go more at the office for work and that already helps massively. Playing multiplayer games is something I enjoy, but I want to try to limit as much as I can because of that: it’s the lazy option for me.
Just my two cents:
Why can’t those rave friends be more than that? You said yourself those are great people. I don’t know if you do drugs on these raves, but those helped me to connect to other people and talk without shame about my feelings (although I’m not recommending it to anyone), but also without drugs, a rave settings could be used to talk to these people and tell them that you like them and you’d like to spend more time with them outside the rave context.
You mentioned those are artsy people. Go to the cinema with them or a concert or the museum. I bet there is a technical museum in your city. Maybe even a venue where tech meets art. I don’t know if you are into music making, but a cool intersection of art and tech is electronic music production, especially with analog gear. It’s also a creative, cathartic outlet for your emotions, and although it can be a solitary hobby, it can also get you to connect to people and maybe even jam with them in person in the future.
Apart from that, try to find stuff that interests you or maybe probe for new hobbies. Maybe pottering, wood working, sports, etc.
I’m also currently in this predicament of doom scrolling after work and just trying to buy happiness, but every time I overcome my laziness I reap the benefits almost immediately after or while doing the activity.
All in all, you, me and a lot of people are in the same boat.
All the best!
I will do this the next time I got to a rave with them. Will never try the drugs though, those scare me to death. Some people in my group told me once they bought some that they didn’t end up taking so they tested it the next day, and it turns out it contained fentanyl. So yeah. Will avoid them haha. Especially since I don’t feel like I need them to talk with people. After a good night of sleep I also feel a lot better now, I don’t really know what was going on in my head yesterday but it was really preventing me from sleeping. Never happened to me. Maybe this was because I spent a good part of my day at the shopping mall (not many things I hate more)
Thx!
All the better, mate! Don’t do them off you don’t want! Maybe in Europe I’m safe® from the fentanyl mess.
and it’s really understated how much a good night of sleep can do for your mental wellbeing!
Anyways, wishing you all the best in the many upcoming greatness and craziness life will throw at you! :)
I would love to be in my 20s and starting out in the rave scene, again. You’re going to have the best time!
Wear ear plugs - tinnitus is incurable. Don’t consume hard drugs every weekend. If you notice significant short term memory issues, take a break.
It was great. I’m in Montreal and I hear we have one of the best ones in the world here. Definitely want to try it out.
