I’ve stopped caring. I need help. I’m going to go on a weird rant here, but it’s how I talk when I’m super focused on something…like getting help. I’m going to try to cover as many faucets that I feel are broken as I can, so it’s going to be long. I’m sorry.

I don’t know when, but it’s been a LONG time and it’s affected my physically, mentally, emotionally. I know I have depression, I know I need to want to change. I know most of the psychiatrist things, well not true but I have a hard time siding with or following through with the…I don’t know how to say it but like the feel good therapist talk? Follow this color wheel of emotion stuff kinda stuff…or write out your emotions in this diary.

I’m isolated, lonley, disconnected from everything, not eating, not drinking enough, vices are at an all time high, hygiene is non existent, house upkeep is basically non-existent, physical activity revolves around walking to the kitchen, basement/upstairs, to my office, and to bed where I spend more than 10+ hours laying there waiting for the day to be over so I can go to work as I enjoy it. I haven’t seen my doctor in about 2 years or so and at that time I was prescribed some anti depression stuff, makes my heart explode. I need help. I don’t know where to go, how to fix this or even see light on the other side.

I’ve made appointments with my doctor, but I always forget to go, or book the day off. Even with alarms and whatnot. I’m horrid with keeping scheduled things that aren’t immediate. Doctor’s visits are like 8 months+ before I get a date.

I’ve disconnected myself from everything. I try to communicate with my son, but he lives too far and I never seem him. I’m horrid at texting people in that if it’s out of sight out of mind. I never just text and forget to text. If it’s not constant communication, I forgot. If it’s constant, I will be there and be a part. But once it gets quiet again, I ever check it. My mom, brothers, same thing. Friends, same thing. I don’t buy/Subscribe/consume anything, literally nothing but food and stuff for my dog and cat. I’m like a hermit.

This part bugs me…I can go months without anyone so much as looking at me. It’s like I don’t exist. No calls or messages from friends, family (unless I didn’t pay a bill or something). No birthdays, no one’s said Merry Christmas to me or even happy new year yet. I get no acknowledgement from anyone unless they want something from me which I’ll always do because I like doings things for others. No one acknowledges societal things with me and it hurts. A lot.

I have no energy. I sleep/lay down from about 6ish until 10pm, eat, then lay down. I get up periodically to put the dog out or take her to the park for offleash but that’s it. I’m in bed or working. I’m on a steroid which is supposed to give me energy but yeah…doesn’t do it (anymore)

I eat like trash. This obviously doesn’t help. I will go 36 hours on coffee and bananas, then consume some fast food. I’m overweight but not crazy bad. 6ft235. I’m dehydrated from drinking a glass of water maybe…every week? Maybe 2. It’s mostly coffee and milk.

I don’t clean my house, I can’t throw things away. I have a couch that’s got destroyed cushions from dog as a puppy, it just sits there. I don’t even use the thing. Never have. I can’t throw it out. Not don’t want to, just can’t be bothered? Crap is everywhere in the house. And I use none of it. 2 computers, and a bed. That’s what I use.

Trust issues. I don’t trust. My trust has been broken so bad which I suspect is the reason I don’t consume. I don’t trust products, or companies claims. I assume they will just break and I’ll be stuck buying to replace forever. I can’t bring myself to buy things that I don’t trust which is another reason why I haven’t bought a couch or new clothes.

In short, I’ve completely checked out from life and society as a whole, and Ive upset myself to the point where negative intrusive thoughts towards myself enter my head. I wouldn’t ever act upon them, I’m more logical then that but they exist unwilling and I want them to stop. I need help, if anyone would be so kind as to point me in the right direction?

(I would have posted this in the seeking help or asklemmy sub but I was banned for something or other. Probably a bad day on my part. Regardless…step 1)