Similar, but not the same. The routine of it all produces a lot of internal friction. I do get lost in my thoughts, but it’s deep rumination. No dopamine, just anger and hopelessness. I will dissociate before a shower because I know what’s coming. Just standing there staring, knowing I need to physically move and not doing so. Then when the water’s off it’s more standing there not moving. More dreaded routine incoming. Then when I’m out and the post-shower stuff is taken care of, it’s sitting on the bed, staring at the floor or the wall or my phone. Sometimes it takes 3-4 hours start to finish.

It doesn’t help that the shower is in disrepair and I can’t afford to fix it properly (too much spent on larger house problems that took precedence). But that won’t be a problem soon since I also can’t afford mortgage payments.

I’m coming up on a year of group therapy multiple times a week to go along with individual therapy. I’ve learned a lot, both about myself and mental health in general, and it’s kept me sane-ish. But I won’t have to worry about that soon either as it’s only a matter of time before the orange shitgibbon’s goons take a torch to Medicaid.

On the plus side, I managed to get a second denial from SSDI before the brownshirts get their crowbars into that too. I’m not disabled, they say. I’m just a simpleton that can perform simple tasks and follow simple instructions. A simpleton in the 97th percentile for IQ. Thanks, I guess.

But yeah, the shower is basically a soggy Tardis.