i feel so alone. i don’t want to be alone. i think of her every day - every hour, i even wake up thinking of her. she takes hours to answer my texts. often over 12 hours, sometimes over 24h. she is always my first thought in the morning.

i want to hold her hand, feel her lips on mine. i want to go to sleep with her next to me, and wake up looking at the face of someone i love and who loves me back. i want to travel the world, but not alone or with friends. i want to experience new things, but i want to do it with her.

i’ve always been more romantically inclined, and i’ve always dreamed of having a wife (or just a serious life-long relationship; marriage itself is irrelevant) and having kids with her. that has always been the purpose of life to me. everything else feels meaningless without a romantic partner to experience it with, or with whom to talk about it. but more specifically, i want her. but i’m still a virgin, i’ve still never kissed a girl, and i’ve still never held a girls hand. i’m approaching thirty. i thought she could be it, but she is clearly not as into me as i am her.

sometimes suicide pops into my head. not as a fully formed concrete idea to follow through on, but just the concept, and the idea that i could do it and the misery would end. no more lonely nights - or days either. she’ll never want me like i want her, but even if i get over her no one else will want me either.

some people say to work on yourself, and that no one wants to date someone who is depressed or desperate. they don’t get it. this is the whole reason i’m depressed. i work out, i eat healthy, i have hobbies. but they are all indoor hobbies. i still have a massive hole in my chest that can’t be filled by working on myself. a hole that could only be filled by intimacy and romance with another person. specifically by her. when she replies to me the world is colorful and everything brings me joy. the world is in my hand and I am in control. about 12 hours after waiting for a reply, everything tastes of ashes and nothing can bring me joy or warmth. i have no motivation.

the first and last thing i do each day is check my phone to see if she has replied. it’s fucking pathetic. if i get another chance to see her, i will tell her how i truly feel about her. i’m positive it won’t be reciprocal, but it’s a small chance to fill the hole, or at least maybe i can get closure on her.

i’m going to bed and cry myself to sleep once more, with my last thought before the blackout being her face once again. she is the first woman in at least a decade to really put butterflies in my stomach. the closest i ever came to this were small school crushes.