WASHINGTON D.C. – In a move that shook global markets and surprised even some supporters, President Donald Trump announced major tariffs on all products made outside the United States, entirely intended as retaliation for the death of beloved film star Val Kilmer.

In a move that shook global markets and surprised even some supporters, President Donald Trump announced major tariffs on all products made outside the United States, entirely intended as retaliation for the death of beloved film star Val Kilmer.

“Val Kilmer was a Very Brilliant Actor,” the President stated in a later Truth Social post. “And I realized in a WEIRD DREAM that the only way to avenge his death was through a 10% tariff on all imported goods! Make America Great Again! Tombstone!”