This is very long, so: TL;DR I had an okay but slightly mutually verbally/emotionally abusive relationship for 3 years, living together. I finally got sick of it and left somewhat suddenly early in the month. She says she is broke and I need to give her 2 months rent and utilities, saying I broke a lease (I never signed a lease). I have literally no money and would have to ask my mother, and my mother is “uh, no”. How bad should I feel about this?

I [42M] recently left a 3 year relationship with my GF [44 F]. We’d been living together since the start and sharing rent and most expenses. We had known each other from previous work, though we both no longer were in that industry, and basically had a good rapport.

However, we had a difficult time getting along almost the entire time… some good times, but frequent arguments with lack of proper communication, and we never could agree about how to run the house as far as roommate basics (dishes, laundry, organization). I was recovering from a long bout of illness (as in, 1-3 years) and she was getting back on her feet after helping her sick parents, who passed away, and dealing with their estate. So neither of us were working again yet. My problems and general dumbness left me with a bit of a drinking problem, and she wasn’t too perfect in that regard either.

We had both been long self-employed, and tried setting up spaces to work around the house, but couldn’t agree on what to do, so we had long stalemates. When I’d try to talk about important issues, she had habits of ignoring me, acting like I wasn’t talking, changing the topic and criticizing me about something irrelevant, and I’d get irritated by that and we’d end up arguing. Then she wouldn’t take any accountability for her role, never work on or fix what I was talking about (and it was things like, I feel like a kitchen slave, or our laundry situation is insane and I can’t find any of my clothes, or we need to sell your junk car that’s in the way). I was paying for all the groceries, doing all the dish work, and all the cooking. I changed it to I pay 2/3 (I have special dietary needs, so fine) but that was still annoying.

We didn’t have much time in common… she’d work in her art studio or watch TV, I’d be at the computer, we’d sleep at different times. We had some problems like where she started buying crypto, it went up by 250%, then I tried really hard to get her to sell it (when BTC were at their 2021 peak) and she’d ignore me, act like I wasn’t talking, change the topic to complain about me, say “it’s an investment!” and generally just drive me insane. She did things like spend $10,000 on ETH and BTC when I was asleep. Her choice, but holy cow.

We ended up basically celibate for 2 1/2 years, arguing often, but she would tell me gushy “oh I love you honey you’re the best, you’re my guy!” type things which rang false and made me feel sort of icky after a while. For years our schedules and her insensitivity disrupted my sleep, which seemed like some form of abuse after a while (I’d get woken up by loud TV or her coming to bed after 2-3 hours and not be able to get back to sleep, repeatedly). We’d end up in loud arguments about her ignoring my concerns, demeaning me, saying unfair things (like, saying okay, sure, I do all the dishes but do I deep clean? When did I last scrub a toilet? which is nonsense because i did that too). She wouldn’t call the landlords about anything in the house, which is sort of okay because they were incompetent and stingy, but we ended up with things like a leak in the basement for 8 months that nobody ever reported.

I’d sneak off and buy liquor because if she saw me drinking, she’d instantly start treating me like crap, which obviously would lead to arguing. If I shared alcohol with her though, we’d also end up arguing. If I drank when she was asleep generally things were fine, though as most drunk people, I’d sometimes to stupid things like take long walks or call people to chat when I was out of it. I’d call my friends and family and tell them I was so fed up with the relationship that I was going insane, but then I’d stay there.

She’d never discuss finances with me realistically or make a budget and if we did, what she would say was very one-sided, like “she bought me shoes!” while meanwhile I was the only person in the house with a car for 3 years. She insisted I never paid her for utilities while actually, I was paying $100 a month explicitly for utilities - I paid for all the groceries and the only way to get her to pay was to deduct it from rent/utilities, so she’d ask things like “can you just give me the full amount this month?” As in, pay for all the groceries. I actually paid 100% of all groceries for the first 2 years and didn’t want to do that any more. I’ll add, I had no job and was being supported by my parents. I have very expensive medical conditions and was on Medicaid after being out of work for 3 years+ due to illness, which makes working complicated. Meanwhile she spent down her small inheritance and wasn’t really trying at all to make money. My car got hit and totaled which made our lives harder.

So, finally we had some wild arguments about her being inconsiderate and demanding and I’d had enough. She would raise her voice and sound like she was chiding, correcting or lecturing me frequently, I’d ask her to please not talk to me like that (not that I need special respect - just not verbal abuse) and she’d ignore me and adopt an even louder and more harsh tone. The only way to get her to stop berating me was to raise my voice even louder, yell at her to stop, or drop what I was doing and leave.

I started to pack my stuff and then realized I couldn’t really leave due to not having a car or money. I relented and tried to figure out what to do (like, maybe make real plans and pack slowly). But then 3 days later we had the same arguments again and I decided I had to leave. I got a moving truck and spent 3 days getting organized and moved back to my parents house.

Now she is telling me that she has no money, I left her with no food or anything (not really accurate), she won’t be able to pay rent and I need to ask my mother to send her over $2000 for two months of rent. We have talked some and it’s fine but she pressures me “you need to DO THE RIGHT THING”. I have pointed out that I have no money of my own, in part due to how we had this fucked up relationship for 3 years and never got anything organized. She is trying to apply for jobs and has plans, but I understand that may take a while. However she started asking me for money immediately - I paid bills for this month and left 3 weeks ago, so… she says I broke a lease, though I never did sign one. I understand she was counting on me for half the rent. She also says she won’t get a roommate or a temporary job and is trying to get a permanent salaried job (rent is over $2k a month).

Relationship-wise and emotionally, I’m glad to have ended it, though I also feel bad. I’m not exactly thrilled to have another failed relationship at this age and move back into my parents. The one positive thing is not hearing her raise her voice at me in a scolding tone or gaslight me about our relationship. I don’t feel good about moving out suddenly or her being left in the lurch, but at the same time, I believe that it wasn’t entirely unexpected and she didn’t listen to me about how I was feeling. If I made plans to leave she probably would have pretended nothing was happening.

So my question is, how should I really feel about all of that, finance wise?

  • uberkalden@lemmy.world
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    1 year ago

    Holy shit dude. I don’t know. I might feel some minimal obligation to make sure she isn’t homeless for a few weeks while she finds a job or new place, but you have to cut the cord and move on. That was a super unhealthy relationship and you need to get yourself right.

    • zeppo@lemmy.worldOP
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      1 year ago

      Thanks, you’re right. It was very unhealthy. Breaking up had to happen sometime, but I don’t want her to be screwed and lose her house or possessions. I feel like I’m still being blamed for everything and harassed by her even after leaving, which isn’t surprising. She was even raising her voice by text and all caps ‘shouting’ at me, which is uh… that’s why I left. I’m not sure what the laws are in her state if she can’t make rent, or what her landlords would do.

  • morphballganon@mtgzone.com
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    1 year ago

    You don’t owe her a cent of money nor a second of your time. Move on. Come up with a plan for you.

    If she calls or texts, don’t answer. She’s been holding you back for years. It’s time to start moving in a positive direction. Any attention or money you give her is just holding you back longer.

    • zeppo@lemmy.worldOP
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      1 year ago

      This is true. I was for years lost in argument with her and distracted from doing anything useful. I think she’s done a very good job at making me feel guilty, having has blamed me for all of our problems, and it continues even now. I sure don’t miss our extremely frustrating conversations, and I should relish that I can now be past that.

  • SatansInteriorDsgnr@lemmy.world
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    1 year ago

    Obviously, you feel bad/guilty because you’re a good person who cares deeply. Knowing that, would you have treated her the way she treated you? I don’t think so. Ergo, she’s probably a bad person because you know you’re good and you don’t act that way.

    Just because you were together for a while doesn’t mean you have any responsibility for her present situation, especially because she’s so abusive. If the roles were reversed, a woman wouldn’t feel guilty about running as far away as possible and you shouldn’t either. Abuse is abuse and it sucks to suck. She’s gotta deal with the consequences of her actions.

    • zeppo@lemmy.worldOP
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      1 year ago

      I appreciate the analysis. I believe that’s been a factor in the whole relationship - I am a fairly considerate person, and as such, am vulnerable to guilt and pressure because I want to be good to people and do nice things for them. It’s true, I would never act the way she does. I do have some negative behaviors (drinking too much, and I can get angry and be stern or mocking verbally), but honestly feel like she exacerbated them by the way she acted all the time. It seems a probably subconscious tactic she uses is to provoke the hell out of me, then blame me for being angry. She never acknowledges the role she plays in me becoming upset, or frustratingly, that I had any legitimate reason to be angry with her. I dropped many issues after being attacked and ignored while trying to bring them up, for months (stuff like, she needs health insurance, we need to clean the laundry, or sell her junked car that was in the way) then I’d only bring them up when I had been drinking… and she’d treat me in the same crappy way, and I’d get angry with her. Then the next day, to her, the problem was ‘the drinking’, not that she stonewalls and deflects, and she’d never acknowledge that whatever I brought up was a real problem, either. Incredibly annoying.

      There were also other things I’d ask her over and over again like ‘stop calling me to come there from 3 rooms away’ or calling my name, making me shout to respond, then not saying anything, or not nagging me about doing things (like ask me to do something, then repeat the request 5 times in the next 2-3 hours), or to stop slamming the toilet lid, and she would never change her behavior, at all. I don’t know what her problem with the toilet was, but she’s apparently just let it fall from a vertical position and it was destroying the connection… at some point it was just going to fall off or something, and she’d never ever do anything different no matter what I said about it. Or super irritating things like ‘booping’ my nose. I asked her to stop, told her it was really annoying, and she kept doing it. I slowly got more annoyed by that until I was telling her ‘STOP touching my fucking nose, you moron!’ or grabbing her hand… she kept doing it and finally I just stopped sitting near her. Never once any sort of apology or acknowledgement. Or things like, she’d pat me on the back, but slightly too hard, like ‘thump thump thump!’ or squeeze my leg muscle a few times when it was relaxed… which actually hurts, right? I don’t think she was trying to be physically abusive, but then again, why not? The nose thing was annoying as fuck and sort of demeaning.

      I wish she would acknowledge that I am in a bad position party due to her. I mean, I didn’t want to spend 3 years arguing, drinking because I was upset, then never getting anything done. Partially my fault, but also hers. She acts like I have to help her out (actually, like I am obligated to) and this is poor timing for her, true, because this comes at the same time as she has exhausted her savings (inheritance). But it’s frustrating because I spent years trying to help her get her things done already, and urged her to do something to make money before she ran out - but that was met with the usual attitude of ignoring me, dismissing what I was saying, or acting defensive and criticizing/attacking me about something irrelevant. So, yeah. I have spoken with her recently and it’s the same nonsense as always, where she doesn’t respond to any fair statements I make, blames all of our problems 100% on me, and then ends the conversation. That led to so many arguments because it’s so damned annoying. This served as a reminder that I definitely was justified in leaving, in order to stop being treated like that.

  • Mowcherie@lemmy.world
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    1 year ago

    It’s incredibly good that you were able to get yourself out of this terrible relationship. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been. You do not have the money to support this person. That is a just a fact and while it’s natural to feel bad about that, there is no guilt that can/should be laid at your feet.

    Use your money to support yourself. You are worth it, and are not a bad person for ending this relationship and extricating yourself. Consider seeing someone about a cord-cutting ceremony or equivalent, if you are a spiritual person. Buy yourself something small but nice when you get the chance. There is some healing that you will have to do in the future.

    • zeppo@lemmy.worldOP
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      1 year ago

      Thanks. I do need to do something to move on… I’ve heard from her recently and it’s as stressful as ever. I do feel bad about her situation, but you’re right, it’s not only not my responsibility but I simply don’t have the money. I don’t blame my mother for not wanting to pay her, either.

      • Mowcherie@lemmy.world
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        1 year ago

        Yes, I have respect for your mother for having the wisdom to draw clear boundaries during an emotionally complicated situation.

        • zeppo@lemmy.worldOP
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          1 year ago

          It is wise of her. I feel bad for my ex, but she is also manipulating me (text messages like “im trying this and this and I have -18 in my bank account”). I’ve been in financial relationships, working with other exes, for years after we split up before and it’s better to not do that.

          • Mowcherie@lemmy.world
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            1 year ago

            Your resources are your own and will be required for you to recover and heal and get back on your feet. Any surplus, when it eventually comes, can be reinvested back into yourself for now. Helping yourself is helping others, as a healthy, happy you is an asset to your community.

            After so many years of caring, it’s tough to sever the connection. A clean break would be best, but is hard to achieve. Strings attached are not in your interest, and favour an ex that want much more than you can (or should) give. Patterns from the past are good to acknowledge.

            Your sense of responsibility is a beautiful thing, and will be a treasure in another context and relationship. Right now it probably makes this all incredibly painful.