I think there’s value in writing about your thoughts, and I find that I’m able to do so more clearly if I imagine that I have an audience. I hope it’s okay if I use this space for that purpose.

I’ve been struggling to get up and do things recently. This is a problem, since I’m in the middle of doing a master’s degree, and I have people to answer to. I’m lucky to live in a part of the world where at least lip service is paid to mental health, but that doesn’t entail as much practical help as I would like. It mostly just means that, if I use the phrase “mental health” when I explain why I’m having difficulty getting things done, I get some verbal demonstrations of sympathy from the people I’m talking to.

I have gone to counseling for various problems over the past decade or so. Sometimes it’s helpful, sometimes it’s not. If nothing else, I think I’m getting better at talking to counselors. What I would really like is to have a therapist I could talk to regularly in the long term, but therapy is expensive. There are free/sliding scale options, but there’s usually some kind of catch – either I have to wait a long time, or the person I’m talking to is a graduate student and not yet 100% confident in the field, and in either case, I spend every session knowing that our connection will be temporary.

I have my pronouns listed as [any], so my relationship with gender is a bit complicated (yet another reason for me to want a therapist), but for most practical purposes in everyday life, I present as a man. At the very least, I’m enough of a man to feel attacked when I see people on the internet saying “Men will do anything to avoid going to therapy lol”. I’m making a sincere effort to get into therapy, and when I see people say “lol go to therapy idiots” it feels dismissive, like my problems are just a punchline. I don’t enjoy being taunted for not having access to something I need. It is difficult for me to talk about my problems, knowing that they are seen as either a punchline, or a burden (e.g. the dynamic of men making the people around them act as their therapists) or otherwise just unworthy of sympathy. If you take nothing else away from this post, please, if you’ve been saying “go to therapy” as a way to dismiss people online, consider finding something more nuanced you could say that allows for the barriers people experience in getting the help they need.

I was looking at my old posts here, since some of them have resurfaced with the new website. I found this one in which I talk about my difficulty in forming connections with people at the age of 29. I remember breaking into a sweat when I saw one of the comments describe my problems as “not trivial” and emphasize how much more difficult it is to solve your mental health problems when you’re in your 30s than when you’re younger. I’m still panicking about that now, because I’m a couple years older and not much has improved.

Okay, if I’m being objective, some things have improved. I have been on a few dates that didn’t end up going anywhere, and gotten slightly more comfortable asking people out – not a lot of yes’s, but at least the no’s have been polite. I’ve also made a conscious effort to show more appreciation to the people around me (e.g. letting friends know what I like about them, sending them a message on their birthdays). It feels like I’m still just doing the bare minimum of being a person in a society. It also still feels like a constant drag, like I’m having to initiate every interaction. I still have difficulty incorporating physical affection into my life, although I suppose I hug people goodbye more often than I used to. But my needs in this area are not being fulfilled, and I’ve still never had any romantic relationship or had sex (which I’m realizing is a symptom rather than a problem, although I would really like to experience physical intimacy with someone I like and who likes me back).

When I think about my excuses for not doing things to improve my life, I always come back to how “busy” I am. It occurred to me recently that, in my adult life, I’ve never really had what you’d call a “vacation”. I’ve had periods between jobs where I was looking for work and perhaps working for other projects, but I’ve never consciously set some time aside when I would just go somewhere or do something for leisure. Oh, I’ve spent plenty of time doing unproductive things (e.g. playing mindless games, watching YouTube videos) but with a bit of clarity, I think maybe that is my junk-food way of trying to fulfill the need of taking a genuine break. I’ve recently tried to honour my weekends by actually not working (my thesis advisor said that she doesn’t expect me to work on weekends – I really lucked out, and I realize I’m fortunate to have supportive people in my life, but it also put into stark relief the degree to which all of my problems are caused by myself. I sometimes joke that my parents only ever wanted me to be happy, and I couldn’t even succeed at that.) Like, when I think about looking for a date, the first thing that occurs to me is how much time and effort that’s going to take, when I’m already tired all the time.

Mood-wise, I’ve been fluctuating lately. There were moments today when I was on the verge of tears, and a brief but sincere moment when I seriously considered going to an emergency room at a hospital and telling them I was having suicidal thoughts, not so much because I think I’m likely to commit suicide any time soon, but so that I could avoid having to work tomorrow and maybe even get access to some mental health resources quickly instead of having to wait for my first appointment a month from now. Other times, I feel some amount of clarity and calm – I think that’s how I’m feeling right now – but the despair is there underneath. I think the way I’m processing emotions is improving, or at least changing – I don’t distract myself from negative emotions as much as I used to, and I think there are times when I feel positive emotions more intensely than before. For example, I’ve found myself physically laughing at jokes I hear in podcasts or in shows I watch. This is a far cry from the typical internet “slightly exhaling air from my nostrils” laughter.

I have a friend who asked me how I was doing about a month ago. I said “fine”, and in a well-intentioned attempt to be positive, he said “Just fine? Why not wonderful?” I noticed that his asking me that made me feel bad, because I had trouble imagining how I could possibly feel “wonderful” for more than a brief, fleeting moment. Honestly, the day before, I wasn’t even “fine”. “Fine” was an upgrade for me. I talked with my friend about how that was my reaction to his question – emphasizing that he didn’t do anything wrong, I just wanted to share what was going on with me – and he listened and seemed generally sympathetic, even if he didn’t completely understand. He’s a good person and I wish I was able to have that kind of positive effect on the people around me.

So, that’s where I am right now. I don’t think there was much of a narrative to what I just said, but the purpose was to help me process my own thoughts and emotion, and I think that it served that purpose, because I feel a bit better now than I did when I started. I am not in a state of utter hopelessness and despair, but I am definitely in a state of mixed motions, some of which is hopelessness and despair. I can’t reasonably expect anyone to respond to that mess, let alone respond substantively, but I do appreciate responses.