I just got back from two days at a giant conference. Every year I go, and my dream is to join in the community that it is a part of, and every year I come back, having talked to no one at all.
I can plan things to say, and then just shut down when the opportunity comes. I can also plan too far and figure that I won’t have anything more to say after the initial contact, so why bother?
I’ve read various books on social anxiety and the old “How to win friends”, but I just don’t feel like they’re helpful. Does anyone know of any resources that take autism and selective mutism into consideration?
One option might be finding a neurodiversity-celebrating (or at least affirming) therapist who does “exposure therapy” for social anxiety, and who has experience with autistic clients.
The general idea of exposure therapy is that no amount of learning without practice, and no amount of practice while NOT feeling anxious, will translate to successful performance WHILE ANXIOUS.
The evidence base is robust.
So, paradoxically, the goal is to get uncomfortable on purpose and practice socializing in that state. In small doses, with guidance (at least at first).
The first benefit is that you can socialize more even when anxious and overwhelmed… and EVENTUALLY (don’t expect immediate results) your nervous system will get the hint that socializing while anxious is ok… and then it might let you off the hook, i.e. stop making you feel so anxious.
Source: I’m a ND therapist who specializes in helping autistic clients with OCD/anxiety.
Thank you. Looking at my own progression, it actually makes a lot of sense that practice without feeling anxious won’t help (apart from training on what to say, or for example spotting when people lose interest because a story becomes too detailed.) I can talk all I want with those people I feel comfortable with, or in situations that I know how to navigate. As soon as someone I’m not comfortable with shows up, I still go numb.
So the only way to break down the barrier is to deliberately and repeatedly set it up and punch through it. I think I have something that could work for that, which happens regularly and which I have sort of wished that I could be a part of. Do you think it’s possible for me to practice by myself, or do I need a therapist in the mix?
Maybe it would be useful to think of learning the skill of socializing while anxious as a little like learning the skill of ice skating.
Can you teach yourself ice skating from scratch? Maybe, it’s possible to just use pure trial and error and figure it out for yourself with no guidance or feedback. It might become frustrating and the temptation might be to give up because it seems impossible, and takes forever to even get the basics down, if that ever happens at all.
But what if you had an ice skating manual and youtube videos? Probably better than purely figuring it out on your own. But what if you have a question in the moment as you are, for example, trying to skate backwards? How should your left leg move if you have a soar right knee, or what happens if you keep spinning to the left whenever you try to turn right, or your ankles are soar after every practice and you aren’t sure if the type of skates you bought are really the best for your own body, experience, and needs?
If these questions arise, you could read the manual, go on youtube, ask the community. But then there are different opinions, bias, misinformation. Who to trust? How many hours do you want to spend researching a question when an expert could tell you there in the moment in like 2 seconds? What if you have 25 questions? How many days and weeks of research is that? Or could an expert answer all of them in like half an hour?
So skating coaches are not mandatory, but very strongly encouraged ;)
Thank you, that’s a helpful analogy. I’m self taught in most of the things that I enjoy, but since this is something that I don’t enjoy, I might try to find myself a coach for this one. :)
I think there’s a point where over researching overtakes usefulness and just feeds anxiety because it leans into social hyper awareness and every autistic cell screaming at you to Perform Friendliness.
A total life changer for me was focusing more on how I feel in every moment and then deploying meaningless small talk at 100% masked friendliness (this is at a 1 sentence fragment per 10-30min interval) if I feel like I have the energy to perform. Strategically, I make sure to be extra bubbly and say things like, “Everyone here is so brilliant! Do you all have a group chat to share things outside of the conference every year? How does everyone stay in touch?” Anything aimed at gaining points of contact without spending more immediate social energy.
The crucial part is — when I no longer feel ok, be it energy, anxiety, self doubt, etc — I make a friendly exit. Just a, “Great meeting you all!” And commit to the exit. A goodbye is weirdly a big deal for the best groundwork for future encounters. And, I can go home mostly ok and can more likely shake off any anxiety or latent disappointment without an extended recovery period.
Whenever I go out to socialize, I remind myself of this:
“When it’s time to fly, don’t deny.”
I’ve found that an early-but-graceful exit has a better effect. Whenever I’ve stuck around too long, my anxiety & what-not spreads around, and I’m now tainting their experience. Plus, it makes my recovery much more extenuated & difficult.
I gotta remember this
Go on to smaller communities. Charity works or hobby meetups are like, cheating your way into social lives because (a) Everyone wants you to be there (b) You have a subject in common and © if you don’t feel like talking you can turn your attention to the work or the hobby and be seen in a positive light for it.
That’s a good point. I should change my ambitions and join something more local and regular instead of trying to break through instantly at a thing with 2000+ people.
I would say, given what you’ve described, one thing you need to do is be willing to fail. Convince yourself that you can say something to someone without knowing how the conversation will end. Because it kinda sounds like that planning idea is how you get stuck inside your head. You can’t sit and plan conversations all day. You have to actually have them. That will involve experiencing failure, and learning from that failure, and trying again. That’s normal. Everyone does it, whether neurotypical or anywhere on the spectrum.
Having conversations is how you get better at having conversations.
You’re making a lot of sense. I also struggle with phone calls, and the only way that I’ve found to make them work is to take out something that I can take notes on (or I will forget what was said during the conversation), and then just dial the number before I even have time to think about it.
It can be hard to remember in the moment, but I try to remind myself that the other person probably also wants the conversation to succeed.
