I keep saying my deadname in my head, this kinda started a bit after a family gathering where I heard my deadname a ton. This was in may and sometimes I will just say my deadname in my head and it feels wrong, it also kinda makes my real name feel a little wrong, even though I know it’s not and I like the name skylar
Yeah. It used to be a lot. Then sometimes. Then not often. And then never…
It just takes time to change those mental muscle memories
The thing is I’ve been using my name for several years personally and for 3 years publicly
I signed an email with my birth name 3 years after I legally changed it :)
You’ll get there
DW in time it will pass, especially if you are in environments that do use your real name. Our brains are silly like that and do still take time to change those thought routines
It’s OK to have multiple names. even getting rid of old ones for new ones is fine, too. Don’t try to force it. Rather, accept it as a past name because it still means quite a lot to you. Be assertive to others if they call you by a name you dislike, and tell them you would rather be called a different name.
I would suggest giving your deadname a creative send-off of sorts, and this will help associate any future moment with a happier memory of your past that you transitioned from to what you are now. It is part of acceptance and progression into a new path of life.
Not trans but:
Remember you’ve been using your dead-name for how-many years. It’s probably been ingrained into you since birth. It is not so simple to undo the wiring that connects that name to identifying you.
That’s totally fine. In many ways, our brains aren’t exactly great at keeping up to speed with the present.
Although I am not trans, this phenomenon is pretty common for anyone who needs to adopt a new name for any reason. It’s common for people who have changed their names for other reasons to use their old names or even their old signatures. It’s just how human brains work. You will get used to your new name in time.
It’s similar to how sometimes you misremember someone else’s (or some object’s) name and when they tell you their actual name, you continue to think of the false name instead of the real one just because your brain has gotten used to it.
Maybe it’s different for different people, but for me I think it’s like this:
If you can deadname or misgender yourself in your head, that means it was a thought in third person perspective. If I’m having a thought in third person perspective, it’s usually in the context of someone else talking about me. Like, imagining a coworker tell someone a story about me, or something.
In such a scenario, I find that I deadname or misgender myself if I think that’s how other people see me, not because that’s how I see myself. Like if other people have been deadnaming or misgendering me a lot.
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but do any trans folk use their dead name interchangeably?
This question is probably best posed in [email protected] more than here, but in short, some do, but it’s rare. It’s far more common to be pretty uncomfortable with our old names
If you want to start a discussion on the specifics of why that is, please use a dedicated community rather than asking a trans person here to get in to it
Yeah, for trans people it’s not the same as just a name. Your name is strongly associated with how others perceive you. Its associated with the gender others assign you. It goes beyond simply a word.
For instance, if anyone in my life ever were to refer to me by my deadname I would correct them immediately without hesitation. That’s not my name. That name was used to reinforce my gender by other people. People in my life who refused to accept me used to call me that name. When someone calls me that name, they’re rejecting who I am and insisting that I be who they want me to be.
What you were describing was essentially like if someone had previously referred to me by a nickname based on my current name but for some reason had stopped, and then they referred to me by that nickname again. That wouldn’t bother me and is separated from the concept of deadnaming.
I’m going to remove this comment not because it is malicious or not in good intentions, but because this community is a safe space for transfeminine people specifically and this kind of question can be triggering to people who have experienced denial of their identity by friends and family. I’m not banning you but when engaging here please bear in mind that vulnerable trans people are here and that maintaining a welcoming presence to all transfeminine people is the purpose of this community.
I’ll use the wrong pronouns even, it’s just a habit I have to break.
Took me maybe a year to fully stop doing.
Yes, it happens. A little Freudian slip doesn’t invalidate you.
It can take time for your own internal dialog to adjust to your name. Be patient and correct yourself when it happens, this is totally normal. :)
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It doesn’t change that its not their name, that it makes them feel bad, and that they do not want to use it or be associated with it. That’s what we mean when we say deadname.
Yeah, it took me a long while to get out of that habit. Weirdly, it was more common when I was frustrated with myself, as if I was using it as some sort of punishment.
Nice name by the way, Skylar. I chose the same many years ago. ☺️
I misgendered myself out loud playing Uno with the kids. I dead name myself in my head a lot. I, myself, am dealing with 37 years of conditioning. You are dealing with [your age here] of people calling you [dead name]. It’s okay if you slip up. Hell, I still misgender my kids by accident and they’ve been out for 5 years. Hell, they misgender each other by accident. It happens. Just keep loving yourself.
