So as my post says I’m pretty new to the bdsm world. I took this test when my partner first introduced it to me. She is a brat, princess, sub. Being a hard dom i felt didn’t come natural and felt awkward with it. She told me im more of a soft dom which is nice because thats what she likes and feels more like me.
I would like more guidance on soft doms and rigging. The rigging i do know i would say isn’t safe to use her since it’s used to detain prisoners. We do communicate and there is after care just sometimes i feel a bit lost.
You want to tie her? Or just think you have to? Or she wants that specifically?
You don’t need to do anything you find a turn-off, think more about ways you DO like to be in control, and leverage that. Get her to do the things you need, too. You need to enjoy it for the whole dynamic to work.
Talk about it a lot when you aren’t in bed. A lot. More than you think.
Thanks for the response. I like to tie and she has told me that its something that she likes sometimes although we havent tried yet. As for the dom part i feel thats more of the mental aspect of i like to do and she has stated that she enjoys it because i am creative. I did give her a task of writing down things i do that she likes or dislikes and how she feels in a notebook that she is to keep with her at all times. I feel that it will help me learn more about her as well a help her with her confidence when asked what she likes since she has difficulties with that.
As for the rigging part. Don’t do anything stupid, but also, don’t overthink it too much.
Have a think through what could go wrong with the techniques you have available, choose some where the risk is manageable to you. Maybe don’t go with the guaranteed shoulder dislocator or death-by-asphyxia-within-seconds techniques, but managed risk is the name of the game. If you feel uncomfortable with deciding for your partner (which you probably should); involve them, show them, ask them, and decide together on where you draw the line.
There’s a whole set of fetishes and kinks around law enforcement, feel free to try it and see if it’s for you.
Heck, most bondage comes from prisoner handling and transport, they’ve just been adapted for sexual play.
My most important advice on any of this is to find community around it. It’s a huge safety net for both of you and keeps you from straying into abusive/destructive/dangerous territory which use many of the same tools as BDSM.
With some friendly kinksters, both you and your partner can discuss questions, get second opinions, learn safety, as well as ideas, inspiration and technique tips. Find a munch, workshop, play club, discord, or whatever in your area. Consider going separately at times (as some questions won’t come up with your partner next to you), listen, engage, exchange ideas, and get a feel for what is fine, what is not, and how to navigate the grey area in between.
Soft domming isn’t a very well defined category, so it’s going to be hard to give relevant and specific advice.
What u/RBWellsV23 says about leveraging your strengths is probably the best advice to get you anywhere. That way you’ll both play to your strengths, adapt to your partner’s feedback and remember to enjoy yourself.
Something I commonly find helps when trying out new soft techniques is exaggerated clarity. Hear me out, when trying new soft things you’re gonna have to use a model, no matter if it’s a rule, role, mindset or manipulation technique, you’re gonna have to understand it in something familiar and that you already have an idea of how to do. So lean into it a little, and try being like 10-30% more of that, it can feel like slightly overexaggerating or overclarifying, or maybe like stage projecting, you’ll feel a little awkward, but your partner is going to understand what you’re doing differently, it will stand out from the noise of other things you’re trying and you can actually play with it even before you’ve mastered the skill.
If you’re doing a “your brattiness won’t faze me” - thing, leaning into might be the difference between “I’m surviving this” and “you’re powerless here”.
If it’s building a scene towards a punishment, consider verbalising your steps “I think I’m gonna get my stingy flogger”, maybe even go slightly more villainous “oh, I’m gonna enjoy seeing your butt glow red, princess”. If non-verbal is more your speed, have them get the flogger, make them build a flogging station, correct them until it’s right, or whatever is +10-30% extra for you.
It’s a very useful tool for learning and trying new things, as you’ll very probably overestimate how much gets through to your partner. If you like subtlety, feel free to dial it back down to wherever you get the proper response.
Here is a few tutorials by Two Knotty Boys that can be pretty useful instruction on some good and pretty ties for more of a soft dom approach if you want.
https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PL3FC6D45265939406&si=JvKDPuaHmjmSMVLB
The best advice I can give you for rope is to find your local community and find someone who can mentor you. Videos can be helpful but a video can’t see when you’re doing it wrong and correct you. Rope is probably the most underestimated danger in kink, so many incidents of nerve damage.
