It’s a sunny day, we’re outside, good mood, drinking a coffee. I try to strike a conversation, my gf says its too early for philosophical discussions. I tell her we can instead talk about whatever she feels like. She says she doesn’t want to talk about anything. We weirdly sit in silence for a while. I tell her it’s weird to me, we argue. Is this normal?
Sitting in comfortable silence is completely normal. Some people need to practice not filling every moment with conversation.
I guess you’re right…
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ㅤI struggled with this for a long time. I grew up in a house where silence meant something was wrong. My partner helped me understand that’s not the case. Sometimes it’s nice just to be together and do nothing.
It’s called comfortable silence and is totally normal. Sometimes it’s nice to just sit together and prepare for the day.
Given they said “it’s too early for philosophical discussions” seems like you were doing some big talk while they just wanted to wake up a bit.
Constant talking all the time would drive me mad personally.
It’s normal to want quiet time, especially if you’re spending a lot of time together. Constantly interacting can get exhausting, even if you love the person you’re interacting with.
Consider why you feel the compulsion to fill silence with words. Lots of people (especially these days, with the constant over-stimulation from media and devices) aren’t good at just… Being a person. Just existing without any particular purpose or reason. Simply being is uncomfortable for these people, so they feel the need to force interaction on whoever is around them as a distraction.
It’s no different than reaching for your phone the instant you start to feel bored. Even if you’re bored with your phone already, (already checked all your notifications, already tired of doomscrolling, etc,) it’s just peoples’ first reaction to being bored. Give me an easy distraction so I don’t need to think about how bored I am.
She was on her phone. I was just sitting there, I’m the one who tries to occasionally avoid my phone.
Sometimes people just need to sit there and doomscroll for a few minutes.
My wife and I semi frequently will sit on our two couches in our living room, each dicking around on our phones, not talking to one another. It’s completely fine and natural. We just need to unwind, talking about whatever isn’t going to do that.
If I’m being honest, I’ve always thought the hallmark of a good relationship is one where both sides are comfortable being together without saying a word. Filling space with sound is easy. Talking is easy. Find someone who you can simply exist with, to be in a space without filling the silence with sound and yet feel completely comfortable…then you’ll really have found someone.
Very nicely put, thank you
Don’t fight over things like this. Seek to understand. Respect her. Ask yourself how you would want her to react if you told her you needed some time in silence.
This is something you should discuss with her in a calm way, after this moment has passed. What if you had done as she asked? Maybe you would have a better conversation if you took that time to think about what she wanted and why. Not from your perspective, from hers.
This isn’t a man/woman or relationship issue. This is the kind of thing you’ll encounter over and over. They are asking you to put their need for silence over your need for interaction. If, over the course of several instances if this, you decide you can’t spend your time with a person who doesn’t love chatting as much as you, that is a legit reason to go your separate ways and no hard feelings. But, really, you’re going to deal with countless things like this in all your relationships (not just romantic). You have to balance the incompatible aspects with the compatible. Nobody is perfect and you can learn things about yourself from the incompatibilities. No reason to argue and fight. Just say what you are feeling and try to stay calm and open to hearing their side.
Good advice, thanks.
It’s perfectly normal to want to sit in silence with someone sometimes, especially if you’re spending lots of time together. It’s only weird if it’s happening very often.
Yes it’s normal to enjoy quiet time together. If you were out to dinner or something and she ignored you to look at her phone I would say she’s being rude.
Well, it wasn’t dinner, it was morning coffee, but everything else is the same. I guess it’s acceptable to be less talkative and more on the phone in the morning, judging by the replies
The difference between coffee and dinner is huge. Dinner is something most people like to enjoy communally, with discussions about the day or current events as expected. Coffee is something that a lot of people don’t even concentrate on- drinking it on their commute or while working. Further, a lot of people only feel equipped to deal with the world after having some coffee.
She’s not broken, she just has preferences (like everyone). If they don’t work with yours, that’s one thing, but if you can internalize that this isn’t an insult, there’s no reason for this to be a bigger thing.
She may have been enjoying the sounds outside, she may be an introvert and was recharging, she may have been thinking her own thoughts and wanted to finish, maybe the coffee had not finished doing it’s work - sometimes silence is not about being angry or feeling distant from someone. She did tell you she didn’t want to talk about anything. Maybe that’s why she got upset?
No, she was on her phone
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Its weird to me
OK, but she still didn’t want to talk. It wasn’t weird for her.
It sounds like she’s an introvert, and you’re an extrovert.
For you, chatting is effortless and energizing. For her, it requires effort and can be draining.
Meanwhile, you find mental exercises like deep thought or creating require effort and can be draining. For her, these are effortless and energizing.
You need to talk with her about her and your needs, and you must recognize the differences between you and find a middle ground where you can each be happy. That could mean you go out with friends to get your chatting needs and give her the space to recharge, and you and her find topics that interest her to talk about.
One last bit of advice: don’t treat this like it’s a you versus her problem. Treat it like it’s you and her versus the problem. The collaborative approach will yield better solutions and results.
This is wonderful advice, and it touches on the issue spot on. Thank you very much
For me personally, downtime tends to be a moment where I seek no conversation with anyone. Just me, whatever my train of thoughts happen to be derailing into, and sometimes some music and/or some mindless activity like scrolling social media, as I was doing until this thread caught my attention.
Assuming this isn’t a recent development or happening so often actual interaction is grinding to a halt, this is probably nothing to be worried about.
Based on your other comments of mentioning she was on the phone, it sounds like what was really bothering you was that the phone was getting attention and you weren’t. So just say that.
You definitely need to get comfortable with having quiet time where you’re both just reading, goofing off on the phone, or whatever. You can’t talk 100 percent of the time.
If the actual silence is an issue just throw on some music. I can’t think of a nicer time than starting the day with some coffee and music.
Noted, thank you :)
These are the small moments that define a relationship. Your gf wants to have a quiet morning browsing her phone and you want to have a conversation. It is up to you if that is ok or not - your relationship should make you happy. You can decide that you are happy to give her a quiet morning, or you can decide that it makes you feel too weird and find a new relationship with someone that you are more compatible with. Every relationship involves compromise but only you can decide what compromise is right for you.
What time of day was it? Some people don’t like conversation early in the morning. You may have seen coffee mugs with lines down the side that say “now you may speak” at the bottom, once they’re done drinking their coffee.
Was there other noise? If there was pretty birdsong or frogs croaking, maybe she was enjoying listening to that.
Or maybe she’s got a problem and doesn’t know how to bring it up with you.
We were in the garden, and she was on her phone.
Ok, maybe she was really into what she was reading in that moment.
Could be, and there would be nothing wrong with that. But I wouldn’t be posting about it if it were a one time thing. She does this often.
It could just be that she prefers a more relaxed downtime than you, where she doesn’t have to constantly articulate thoughts. I’m like that a lot of the time.
This is most probably it. Another commenter pointed out they grew in a household where silence meant something is wrong. It was like that for me, too. Grew up in a fun household :)
Communication is paramount in a healthy relationship.
It sounds like your girlfriend is not a morning person. She needs to be left alone in the AM to get the coffee in and “wake up”. For some people, “wake up” can take a few hours. Your girlfriend needed to convey that to you, not shut you down. And frankly that is a conversation all couples need to have early on with each other. This way both partners can respect the other to prevent fights and misunderstandings.
Since she in not telling you this, maybe ask her about it during a time when she is fully recharged and willing to talk. Scrolling away on her phone obviously made you feel ignored and the silence added to that discomfort. Convey that in a way that let’s her understand that you just wanted to enjoy her company during a really nice moment together.And about the kids… do you both agree on the children issue? Or do one of you want them and the other does not. That might have been part of the shutdown if that’s the case. Just a guess on my part.
Some people are introverted and appreciate a little silence. Others are more extroverted and can talk all day every day. For example, I can have a nice relaxing day where I don’t utter a single word. And it’s not a problem when a couple doesn’t have anything to say at a given time. You can sit back and just enjoy your surroundings. Be in the moment, my dude.
