These comments have been reposted here to Lemmy as part of the “Curated Reddit Project.”

This will be a 10-1 countdown of his top 10 comments, every single one of them featuring his characteristic… “bit.” All of the links are to his specific comment under the askreddit post (ask reddit posts consist only of a title, so the link title is the only text prompting these responses).

10. What did you fear as a kid?

Home invasion. And it’s funny, I can remember the exact moment the fear began. I had just had a nightmare and gone into my parents bedroom to tell them about it. They didn’t see me coming in because they were watching Prince of Tides on their bedroom TV. I couldn’t bring myself to say anything, so instead I stood in their doorway quietly and watched the entire rape scene from that movie, starting at the point where the convicts were breaking in through the family’s front door. I remember bursting into tears right as the second rapist was getting shot in the head. Finally, seeing that I was standing there, my dad promptly turned off the TV and brought me back to my room and beat me with jumper cables, and for years after that I was constantly worrying that convicts might show up at my front door with guns at any moment.

9. What’s the dumbest thing you thought as a kid?

I thought ironing was sewing for some reason. My mom’s brother from England visited us once and I remember being amazed watching him iron his clothes. I asked him if it was the same thing as sewing and he laughed and looked at my father and said “I can see tidiness isn’t stressed in this household.” My dad beat the shit out of me with a set of jumper cables later that afternoon.

8. What is your best “…and so we never did that again” story?

We had a pool in the back yard growing up so I often had friends over swimming. I kept asking my friends if they thought I could jump into the pool from the roof, it seemed clearly doable. One day I climbed up there and did it. I landed dead center in the deep end, and when I got out all my friends were blown away. Then my dad came rushing out with a set of jumper cables and beat the living shit out of me in front of all my friends. And then he told all my friends to get off his property.

7. Where would be the worst place to all of a sudden go blind?

Driving on a freeway. I can tell you practically first hand, because when I was 8 I was horsing around in the back seat of my dad’s car while we were in the fast lane and for some reason decided to cover his eyes with my hands. The car slid against the side wall before I took my hands off. My dad regained control of the car, took the next exit, pulled over, and proceeded to beat the living shit out of me with a set of jumper cables.

6. What’s something that’s bad for you and you know it but you still keep on doing it?

Smoothies. I’ve been blending up smoothies every morning before work, throwing in a variety of fruits, vegetables, kale leaf, a little honey. It gives you a huge boost of energy and it’s a great way to start your day. The bad part comes from the fact that that blender is so damn loud, and whenever I use it it wakes up my dad, who usually goes straight to the garage and grabs that dirty old set of jumper cables which he uses to beat me like a rented mule until I’m halfway unconscious on the floor. It’s a horrible drawback. But I’ve been so used to having that smoothie every morning that I can’t seem to break the habit. It’s a really great way to start your day.

5. What is your, “don’t get me started on . . .” topic?

Movie theaters. They’re overpriced and I hate them, but with new movies there’s no other option, other than watching a shitty cam version. I went and saw San Andreas a few months ago. It was the first movie I’d seen in a theater in years, and, I gotta say, that whole “theater experience” really sucks. The screen didn’t look at all better than my own TV, the chairs were uncomfortable, and the floor was sticky and littered with garbage. I had to wait in line for 15 minutes just to watch that crappy movie in that disgusting theater, and the worst part about it was that my dad beat me down with jumper cables in the parking lot. I wish they’d just allow me to stream the movie at home, where I can pause it without missing an important scene and I’m not sitting next to 75 strangers who whisper and chew their food loudly.

4. What’s the most fucked up thing someone has told you about themselves after barely getting to know them? NSFW

I went on a date recently with a girl I met on eHarmony. I mentioned to her that my dad’s been beating me with jumper cables on a regular basis for over 28 years (I always have to cross that bridge eventually), and she then told me that her uncle molested her when she was 14. I was like, woah, ease up lady, it’s only our first date.

3. What’s the closest thing you have to a superpower?

I feel like I have this odd sixth sense about when things are about to go wrong. It’s actually really creepy. Like the other day, a few coworkers and I went to a Giants game with our CEO. All of the sudden this feeling struck me and I thought, “This day is not going to end well.” Sure enough, later that evening my dad beat the shit out of me with a set of jumper cables.

2. What seemingly impressive meal is actually really easy to cook?

Risotto seems difficult, but it’s actually pretty damn easy. Just butter a pot, dice up a shallot, add a cup of arborio rice, then add chicken broth and stir for about 20 minutes. Be sure to add broth if need be, and don’t forget to stir. I once left the risotto alone for 10 minutes and it burned the hell out of the rice, then my dad made me stand outside in the freezing cold while he beat me senseless with a set of jumper cables. After that, mix in some parmesan cheese and you’ve got risotto. Pretty simple.

1. Parents of Reddit, what’s something that your kid has done that you pretended to be angry about but secretly impressed or amused you?

I live with my dad and my 9 year old daughter. I sometimes go to the gym at night and tell my daughter to brush her teeth while I’m gone. When I get back she shows me a video on our tablet of her brushing her teeth as proof. A few days ago I realized that her hairstyle was slightly different in the video, and I figured out that she had simply prerecorded herself brushing her teeth in several different outfits. While I was fairly impressed at this, I kept a straight face and explained to her that when I was a kid, grandpa would beat me savagely with a set of jumper cables whenever I didn’t brush my teeth. Since then she’s been brushing several times a day on her own.