On October 25, 2019, I woke up, hungover again, after grabbing just a few hours of restless, pass out sleep, and called in sick to work, again. I lay there, wallowing in self-hatred and depression, my head pounding and my stomach queasy, and I was just desperate not to have to live like this. I opened up the note app on my phone, and wrote myself a message not to forget how this felt and never to go back. It was a hail Mary, I’d tried and failed so many times to give it up, but like I said, I was desperate so I threw myself a message in a bottle that I could go back and read.
It worked. I got rid of all leftover booze in my house, which I’d tried before, and took it day by day. I haven’t had a drop since. I read and re-read that note to myself multiple times over the years, and it’s helped remind me of that day, of how it feels to be under that yoke. And it’s strengthened me in my resolve to never take it on again.
If you’re reading this, I’m not saying that this is the answer for you. What I am saying is that there is hope, things can change, life can get better. You aren’t doomed, you can be free of this. Don’t stop fighting, don’t stop struggling, even when it gets hard. You can do it. You can make it.
I believe in you. I support you. IWNDWYT.
Congratulations! Four years is no joke. Keep up the great work.
Thanks! I appreciate it!
Crushing it, bud I hit 1000 days this year without a thought and kept right on trucking.
The thought of drinking now makes me kind of ill.I will not drink with you tonight. Maybe a la Croix/bubbly.
…not to forget how this felt and never to go back. It was a hail Mary, I’d tried and failed so many times to give it up
This resonates with me so much. I tried. I tried and tried. Sometimes I didn’t want to quit, Sometimes I just wanted to drink and handle it, Sometimes I just wanted to be a ‘normal’ drinker… but being a non drinker was all that would work for me. I’m closing in on 14 months sober now.
Congratulations on your accomplishment! Here’s to four more years! You’ll be eight years sober, and I will be five.
Congrats!
Just have to ask, did you feel shitty more often than not?
Like I don’t get hungover 99,9% of the time. I just don’t want to exist for the day and most of the time, no matter how much I drink, I don’t feel like shit the next day. Then again I’m drinking every day for years now. I never got hungover like anyone I know even when I didn’t. I feel like if I got hungover I wouldn’t, but I don’t. I drink so I can kind of, skip the day, kill myself for just one more day without dying. I wish I could find the motivation to not drink, but I really don’t see a reason to exist.
I’ve had a couple of days this year that I didn’t drink and I feel like all of my creativity, all the music and art just comes bursting out, but I’m just so tired of this life. Not this life. Like, I woke up choking on my own vomit a year ago, and even that wasn’t enough for me to stop, not all the incredible creativity just flowing through me. I don’t want to stop. I want the world and the life around me to stop. I feel like I’m living in hell and I really don’t want to face it. I’d just rather exit stage left. How do you find the motivation? I really don’t see how things could ever change. I’m just kind of wondering if it’s the, like, feeling shitty after that helps people stop drinking or are you people just built different.
Sorry if this is too triggering, it can be deleted if needed.
I’m not op but I’ve got over 3 yr no booze and used to drink a lot daily like u.
Speaking personally I just got sick of feeling how you describe. Not hungover but just sloppy and gross… You go to the same bars and see the same ppl wasting their lives away on beer and never actually doing anything or going anywhere just getting DUIs and rotting from the inside. Is that where you want to be in 10, 20 years? Right where u are now no book written no album spun all you did was drink ur cash away?
You’re better than that homie. I can tell even over the wire. The hardest part is the first month ngl.
I know u got 30 days in u. What have you got to lose? A few weeks being tipsy?
Buy a few cases of sparkly la Croix and chug that stuff hard when u want to drink. Trust me it helps.
Best of luck friend.
Thing is, when you’re drinking as much as you are, you can’t really trust how you’re feeling as being really how you feel. Alcohol has such an influence on mood / outlook / general emotional state that I’d argue you don’t really know how you feel right now. The insidious part is that all the emotions feel just as genuine as sober feelings, even though they’re being shaped so heavily by outside chemicals.
I’m not arguing that if you take some time off you’ll magically discover you’re just super happy or something, I’m not naive. But you can’t really trust your emotional state when it’s this heavily manipulated. For me, problems feel much bigger and more hopeless when I drink regularly. There’s also an anxiety that comes with heavy use that’s near universal, and I don’t have that feeling at all sober, just flat out isn’t there. Take 30 days and find out how you really feel, and pay attention to how those feelings change as you get some distance - you at least owe yourself that. You don’t have to make some huge “never again” commitment. Just take the time to really dry out and see what your emotions are like from there. You’ve got nothing to lose by doing so, it’s just a few weeks.
Oh, ETA - like you my hangover symptoms were always super mild and that definitely contributed to overdoing it. I really only get severe fatigue and low motivation, but even that was absent for years. Plus I was internally doing some stupid macho “I can handle this when others can’t” type shit, not sure if you’ve let that seep into your identity as well.
Yeah I felt shitty more often than not for sure. Not necessarily a full on hangover, but definitely a deep depression. I’m on medication for depression already and it helps so much more now that I’m sober. It was that self-hatred more than any of the physical symptoms that made me want to quit. Depression and drinking is a vicious cycle that reinforces itself with every step, I’d long since realized that but just couldn’t bring myself to care for so long.
I honestly don’t know what it was about that day that did it. I’d woken up feeling much worse in the past, both physically and mentally, and that wasn’t enough to get me to stop before. I guess I was just done with feeling like that due to my own actions, if I was going to suffer depression anyway, at the very least I didn’t want to suffer at my own hand.
I understand the suicidal feelings, that was a regular part of my life too. If you’re not already, I definitely encourage you to seek help for depression, medication can help, and giving up alcohol alongside it can do wonders.
Congratulations on four years! A role model for many of us. :)
Thanks!
Congratulations!
Thank you!
I’m a little late but I just wanted to say congrats! 4 years is huge. I’m coming up on 3 years myself and Ive been having thoughts considering going back. Then I remember the misery and it’s just not worth it. Keep fighting the good fight and I’ll be right there with you!
