I’m a hairy, small dick, morbidly obese, semi-virgin 35 year old guy.

Between my crippling social anxiety, zero self esteem, and OCD-ish fear that if I am near cum I’ll get AIDS and die… I’ve only had a single sexual partner my entire life.

When I was 25 I was a 100% never been kissed virgin. I lost 75 lbs (315 to 240, currently 355), felt way better about myself, and sort of had a casual thing with a coworker where with lots of jerking and sucking, but no butt stuff because I was a scaredy cat. Then that guy moved away. I thought that he was the jumping off point to being normal, but I went back into my shell (and gained all my weight back).

I’m 35 now, certainly not getting any younger.

I finally have a real deal big boy job making adequate money.

I was thinking… Why don’t I get my HPV vaccine, Hep A/C vaccine, PreP, and some Bluechew and just hire a prostitute so that I can get fucked by a human instead of a piece of plastic I sometimes stick up my butt while masturbating? I won’t care what he thinks about my body because I’m literally paying him.

Then I thought - where do you even find a prostitute? There are escort sites, but they all seem to be in the city (I live in the suburbs about 25 miles away). What if I get caught and it’s like the police? Do I need to rent a hotel room or have them come over my house? Can I just find a local, muscular, hot, college boy on Grindr and offer him like $500?

Maybe I should just lower my physical expectations and try to go on an actual date with someone in my age and league? How will I hide how incredibly anxious and awkward and inexperienced I am? I literally wouldn’t fuck me.

Maybe I should just go to the 50+ year old guy on Grindr that’s like 3000 ft away that has a bio that says he’ll suck anybody. I wonder what kinds of STDs you can get from sucking dozens or hundreds of dicks?

Maybe I should get on Ozempic?

All that I know for sure is I want to do something.

    • MrFagtron9000@lemmy.worldOP
      5·
      1 year ago

      I know everything about HIV. It’s just sort of an irrational phobia.

      I mean I know everything about HIV. Like down to the different classes of meds and how they work to stop viral replication. I was sort of obsessed for a while.

      Remember on/r/askgaybros everyday there would be a post that’s like this…

      I’m on PrEP, we use condoms, we both got negative HIV tests two weeks ago, we’re monogamous… but my boyfriend was sitting on top of me and when he removed the condom he was using a single drop of cum fell on my left butt cheek. Today I have a sore throat and my temp is 99.1 - is that seroconversion illness?

      That’s like something I’d post assuming I ever have sex.

      It’s sort of like when I explain to my mom that air travel is the safest form of transportation. Your chances of being involved in a fatal air crash during your lifetime is 1 in 1.2 million vs 1 in 5000 driving. There hasn’t been a fatal commercial airline crash since 2009 in the US. Southwest, the airline we’re on, has never had a fatal crash in it’s history.

      Regardless of that knowledge, she’s still scared of flying anyway. In the same way I’m still scared of HIV. Maybe that’s like a need therapy thing.