They wouldn’t directly. They’d have to be bitten by something else that acquires vampirism from them and transfers it to another host, like malaria.

Hank Scorpio : Uh, hi, Homer. What can I do for you?

Homer : Sir, I need to know where I can get some business hammocks.

Hank Scorpio : Hammocks? My goodness, what an idea. Why didn’t I think of that? Hammocks! Homer, there’s four places. There’s the Hammock Hut, that’s on third.

Homer : Uh-huh.

Hank Scorpio : There’s Hammocks-R-Us, that’s on third too. You got Put-Your-Butt-There.

Homer : Mm-Hmm.

Hank Scorpio : That’s on third. Swing Low, Sweet Chariot… Matter of fact, they’re all in the same complex; it’s the hammock complex on third.

Homer : Oh, the hammock district!

Hank Scorpio : That’s right.

Habanero crepes. Going down is only the first half. The next day is wrath part 2.

Fair enough. I still feel like vampire bats might be a threat. Also, we don’t know what reservoirs harbor vampirism. Perhaps sparrows are carriers.

I would watch that.

This is headcannon now.

Maybe it’s a typo? A mandate from a few Americans people? A mandate by the American Assets? A mandate from the BRICS people?

Me too. That quote evoked from me the loudest snort of derision in recent memory.

Emergency Broadcast System: This is not a test. This is your emergency broadcast system announcing the commencement of the Quadrennial Purge enacted by the U.S. Presidentt. Citizens classed at $100M net worth and higher have been authorized the commission of any and all crimes with impunity. All other classes are restricted. Government officials of ranking 10 have been granted immunity from the Purge and shall not be harmed. Commencing at the siren, any and all crime, including murder, will be legal for the rich for 48 continuous months. Fire, and emergency medical services will be unavailable as soon as they’re defunded and until next term when The Purge concludes. Blessed be our New Founding Fathers and America, a nation reborn. May God be with you all.

That’s exactly it. Damned if you do. Damned if you don’t. I think they probably made the smart choice. I assume breaking the law to follow orders would have been used as an excuse to make arrests and parade them around as corrupt, deep-state, Bidenistas.

Yeah, it would have been more honest just to tell USAID employees to lick their elbows.

Vampire bats.

Also, I was referencing the coconut scene from Monty Python:

SOLDIER: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

ARTHUR: Not at all. They could be carried.

SOLDIER: What? A swallow carrying a coconut?

ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk…

SOLDIER: It’s not a question of where he grips it it’s a simple question of weight ratios. A five-ounce bird could not carry a one-pound coconut.

ARTHUR: Well, it doesn’t matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.

A slight pause. Swirling mist. Silence.

SOLDIER: Listen, in order to maintain air speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings forty-three times every second. Right?

ARTHUR: (irritated) Please!

SOLDIER: Am I right?

ARTHUR: I’m not interested.

SECOND SOLDIER: (who has loomed up on the battlements) It could be carried by an African swallow!

FIRST SOLDIER: Oh, yes! An African swallow maybe…but not an European swallow. That’s my point.

SECOND SOLDIER: Oh, yes, I agree with that…

ARTHUR: (losing patience) Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court in Camelot?!

FIRST SOLDIER: But then of course African swallows are non-migratory.

SECOND SOLIDER: Oh, yes.

ARTHUR raises his eyes heavenward’s and nods to PATSY. They turn and go off into the mist.

FIRST SOLDIER: So they couldn’t bring a coconut back anyway.

SECOND SOLIDER: Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together?

FIRST SOLDIER: No, they’d have to have it on a line.

SECOND SOLDIER: Well simple - they just use a strand of creeper…

FIRST SOLDIER: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?

SECOND SOLDIER: Why not?

If carried by a swallow, it could grip it by the husk.

Not at all. They could be carried.

Not being a doctor of botanoanthropovampirology, it’s hard for me to say. A cursory search suggests garlic traveled along population centers as they developed throughout history. This makes sense as vampires would find it both easier to hide and feed. I suspect Romans first acquired garlic to address the vampire problem, but it’s now a vestigial phenomenon in Italian cuisine inherited from the Romans. It would be interesting to compile a list of cities by population density and filter out the ones that commonly use a lot of garlic. The remaining cities should be the most vampire-infested, if my theory is correct. Subsequently, the minority that commonly uses garlic in those cities should proliferate along with their garlic, leading to a garlic-rich new culinary culture.

History of Garlic

Yeah, it’s still some fascist rhetoric to reference the shared heritage of Italy and the US from Rome, but it’s not idiotic or dishonest. It’s important to be accurate with these things. Besides, there are plenty of other stupid and deceptive things for which to call him out.

The people who who domesticated garlic were not killed by vampires, yes?

Yeah, but I think that was mass hysteria caused by bad PR. Clowns fill an important niche in the ecosystem. They generally keep to themselves and shy away from people. Confirmed clown attacks are extremely rare. Even the 2016 sightings had more to do with development companies expanding into their historic habitat than clowns actively seeking out people. I saw a movie once in which a clown was forced to live in a storm drain after his home was paved over. Starving and panicked, the inevitable happened when he was cornered by a child. Had he been relocated, he could have joined another circus and lived a full life. If you see a clown in town, remain calm. Do not approach the clown. Do not feed it. A fed clown is a dead clown. Contact your local ringmaster. They are especially trained to capture and relocate clowns. If you can, I highly recommend donating to your local clown rescue. As a side benefit, they often have education programs that allow kids to learn about and interact with them safely.