When I’m around other people, I tend to do what they expect me to do. I suspect that this is mostly due to the shame associated with failing to meet expectations when the person with the expectations is right there right now (as opposed to being in the future). I think I would have gone completely off the rails years ago if I didn’t have family members willing to come stay with me (or let me stay with them) during bad times (bad here being periods of depression which would make it almost impossible to do anything alone).

People who aren’t my family are actually more effective. I suppose that’s because I know my family will love me anyway even if I keep disappointing them. I had a boss at one job who worked with me very closely every day and I was an excellent employee there because of that. It was the happiest period of my adult life, but then the company went out of business. I’m still friends with that boss.

One time, I hired a woman to come do household chores with me once a week, because I would be too uncomfortable to sit there doing nothing while she worked. Another time I paid a guy to stop by every morning for ten or fifteen minutes to make sure that I left for work on time. I was never late even once when he did that, but after he became busy with something else, I never hired a replacement.

I don’t usually have someone helping me. It feels like hiring an expensive babysitter and I’m ashamed that I would need such a thing as an adult. (I tend to feel lots of shame…) I can reason that an expensive babysitter is better than losing my job, living in squalor, etc. but so far I haven’t been able to change how I feel.