That s not true , of course doing the basic minimum of a normal human IS required but its not enough to have a gf today.
The loneliness epidemic is real and not all lonely guy are complete moron.
Personally I think one major factor is the privatization of love.
Wow this has a lot of up votes. Of course the loneliness epidemic is real but why blame something nebulous like the privatization of love when capitalism is right there. There’s a profit motive in getting people to work longer hours for less pay and have less free time to build community
Very thankful my community has public libraries, churches, community bike shops, makerspaces, etc because I know they’re declining in some places, churches especially (too bad they’re religious and they can’t just switch to community organizations) also civic clubs like Rotary and lions club.
Can’t take those orgs for granted they decay without involvement
Yes I just wanted to be more precise , in fact I was talking about the fact that more than halft of the meeting are donne thanks to dating app and that the algorithms of those app are made to make you dependent of those app and not for there original purpose .
I think I m not clear but basically enshitifaction of dating app are a real problem and one major cause of loneliness that s what I wanted to say.
Sorry for my broken english its not my first language
Oh yeah dating apps are a problem of capitalism too – I know some people who’ve met their life partners on old apps but that’s despite their tendency to keep you addicted to the app rather than finding someone
Ask someone out for coffee. Talk about your week. Ask about theirs. Don’t treat the interaction as a pass/fail. Repeat. If you have mutual attraction then nature will play out.
Doing the bare minimum hygiene and the appearance of happiness drastically improves your chances.
Dating is for finding someone you enjoy being around. Sex is a result of growing closer.
Obviously some people have it easier than others but I have peers that just refuse to ask people out for coffee or a lunch. I’m a late millennial if that matters.
Be a decent person and if a love interest doesn’t personally find you attractive they WILL tell their friends. NEVER talk poorly about your previous relationships. Learn a few jokes.
The privatization of love is a real problem but the classic approach isn’t dead.
Get out of the house. Join some group activities. Enrich yourself. Make some friends.
If you are looking for a more specific example then try yoga or an exercise group like cycling. These kind of activities signal that you are looking to improve yourself and that is always a plus. Just remember not to leer and be polite.
My issue is with your first sentence (cis white man that is about as just barely straight). With all of the talk about equality, equity, and BS gender roles, I’m still expected to make all of the initial moves and decisions in real life and on apps. However, I’m mildly on the spectrum and my natural tenancy is to be very aggressive in my methods (not in a violent way and not just with people, just mean I am very earnest, locked in, and tenacious with most things I do).
I have never been approached, hit on, or asked out by a women in real life, though I have by men a couple of times. When I’m in public or at a bar I am literally invisible, unless I happen to walk into a women’s zone of awareness (not personal space, but the point/distance where they then have to make a judgment as to whether I am a threat or not).
The advantage of online dating is that if I match with someone it’s reasonable to assume they are interested in me which puts me past the initial barrier in real life of not being able to tell. At that point I’m pretty OK at interacting with a person and flirting etc. However, my hobbies and the things I would like a partner to enjoy doing with me are very male dominated.
The result of this is that I haven’t ever had a partner or dated someone who didn’t have crippling anxiety and/or deep self-image issues where they use their partner for all of the validation and structure they haven’t figured out how to do from within themselves. Which at least to me makes sense, since women with the same interests as mine are surrounded by men all the time everyday, and so the confident well adjusted women have the metaphorical pick of the litter and probably end up with one of the few not problematic men in that space that are also well adjusted.
I am well aware it’s far more complicated than that, and that women face a number of other struggles, but Game Theory does still very much apply, and so as I was saying before despite all of the rhetoric about equity, I still have to play by the old rules while somehow also playing by the new ones at the same time.
It sounds like online dating is a boon to you. As far as your hobbies go you should try branching out into less male dominated ones. Sometimes you meet someone that you can spend time in each other’s worlds but maintain your own as well. It sounds like you have some real barriers to overcome.
Like I said, it’s my only option really, but been doing it when out of a relationship for at least a decade.
Not to be too snarky, I know you are just trying to be helpful, but I have tons of hobbies I enjoy and not enough time and money to enjoy the ones that I do have. I’m not looking for someone that shares my every hobby, but the only women I seem to connect with are of the engineering STEM type, but the interest has always been very one sided.
Another unfortunate part of our current reality is that life at this point almost assumes there are two working people in a household. It can be very difficult just getting daily and weekly responsibilities done with any time left over.
Then being told that despite doing everything society says one should do and be to be desirable to a partner (including being understanding and respectful of others struggles, trauma, neurodiversity, etc.) basically being told I just need to be more social is infuriating. So the fact that I’m introverted and find lots of social interaction taxing is something I need to get over, but I need to just accept that I will never have someone ASK ME out and I need to be patient and understanding with everyone I interact with?
I said, I know you are just trying to be helpful, and this frustration isn’t directed at you, but life more generally. It’s something I have gotten a lot of and feels a lot like “hopes and prayers”. It’s a reaction people seem to have wanting to somehow cognitively decouple from the core root cause and find a way to other me and what I need to do so that they don’t have to really engage with and think about the cold reality of it all.
I strongly recommend being happy, one of the best feelings really. I’ve tried the other emotions and they just don’t feel the same.
(But seriously I’m no fun when I’m depressed. People like being around happy people, it’s contagious)
Do a group activity which has members of the demography you’re trying to attract. Show that you’re useful in a social environment and you will gain status and thus attract mates.
That can be anything from environmental protection, sports, politics, arts, music, games, organizing parties.
If you mean physical and optical attraction, that can be improved by hygiene, clothing, haircut, exercise, makeup, diet.
Other factors like manners, conversational skills, generosity, outlook, morals, ethics, dance skills, art skills etc. can also be worked on.
Below average looking guys will easily pull women, if they have status and a purpose/passion in life. Status isn’t just money, it can be just being known for being useful in your social circles.
Ugly people have sex and spouses as well.
Yes, the bottom 10% of men have it harder. However most of them can work on themselves to improve their attractiveness immensely.
One advantage men have, is their attractiveness increases with age. For women it goes downhill in their 30s. For men that’s when their peak starts.
I’m now 42 and more women in their late 20s are interested in me than ever before in my life. Single late 30s women are often desperate to find a husband. The older men get, the bigger their dating range becomes. As a rule of thumb men can get women at their age or younger. Women will go for men their age or older. Woman with wrinkles and grey streaks: old hag grandma. Man with wrinkles and grey streaks: handsome and trustworthy.
So if you want to attract the most desirable women, work on yourself until you’re 30 and then start looking for a wife.
Of all that, only hygiene and exercise improve attraction, and it requires going to the gym 6 times a week and using performance enhancing drugs for it to make a difference.
Diet, clothing and haircut are mostly irrelevant. The only things that matter are height (1m80 is the minimum acceptable nowadays), muscles, and having a nice face. All three are required.
Source: I’m very small (1m70) and ugly, and having the ability to bench press my own weight doesn’t help at all.
Your ideas of attractiveness are very skewed. If you only do only dating face and body matter more, because it’s much of what you see. However fashion and displayed activities, and status also play a role. But you might be better off looking for mates elsewhere.
Lots of short men with non athletic bodies and mediocre looks get laid every day.
Body and face beauty certainly helps, but there are diminishing returns. Except of course if you want to date super models.
Not being fat and doing some exercise or sports twice a week already puts you way ahead of the pack.
If you go and play social mixed gender volleyball instead of autistically lifting every day, you will have more opportunities and success.
What do you have to offers partner? Are you fun to hang out with? Do you do fun or interesting activities? Do you perform or make art?
For example: even the most low level DJs or musicians will have more success, than a grumpy loner who asks people if they know all albums of the band shirt they’re wearing.
So you’re short, athletic, and have an ugly face. What about your skills, interests, fashion, and activities?
Plenty of women are much shorter than you. If you live in the Netherlands or Mexico makes a difference.
I’m not overweight. I’m skinny but have been gaining weight over the years. I weigh 60kg for 1m70 (up from 47kg in 2020).
I don’t autistically lift every day (although the non-autists that do obviously have more success with women), only twice a week. I also do indoor bouldering, which is a sport with almost 50/50 men and women. I’ve been going to the same gym for the past 3 years (I don’t know a single person there).
As for my hobbies, I play the guitar, love politics (left/far-left), play video games (mostly retro or indie), go to concerts.
Of course, none of that is relevant, because my face makes manhole covers jump in fear, I’m very short (I know women are shorter but they want taller men), and not muscular.
That s not true , of course doing the basic minimum of a normal human IS required but its not enough to have a gf today. The loneliness epidemic is real and not all lonely guy are complete moron. Personally I think one major factor is the privatization of love.
Some people are gay.
The lesbian harem is keeping me from getting a girlfriend!
That’s okay.
Wow this has a lot of up votes. Of course the loneliness epidemic is real but why blame something nebulous like the privatization of love when capitalism is right there. There’s a profit motive in getting people to work longer hours for less pay and have less free time to build community
Don’t forget the commodification of all the 3rd places so now there’s no real place for people to interact without having to spend money
Very thankful my community has public libraries, churches, community bike shops, makerspaces, etc because I know they’re declining in some places, churches especially (too bad they’re religious and they can’t just switch to community organizations) also civic clubs like Rotary and lions club.
Can’t take those orgs for granted they decay without involvement
Yes I just wanted to be more precise , in fact I was talking about the fact that more than halft of the meeting are donne thanks to dating app and that the algorithms of those app are made to make you dependent of those app and not for there original purpose . I think I m not clear but basically enshitifaction of dating app are a real problem and one major cause of loneliness that s what I wanted to say. Sorry for my broken english its not my first language
Oh yeah dating apps are a problem of capitalism too – I know some people who’ve met their life partners on old apps but that’s despite their tendency to keep you addicted to the app rather than finding someone
Ask someone out for coffee. Talk about your week. Ask about theirs. Don’t treat the interaction as a pass/fail. Repeat. If you have mutual attraction then nature will play out.
Doing the bare minimum hygiene and the appearance of happiness drastically improves your chances.
Dating is for finding someone you enjoy being around. Sex is a result of growing closer.
Obviously some people have it easier than others but I have peers that just refuse to ask people out for coffee or a lunch. I’m a late millennial if that matters.
Be a decent person and if a love interest doesn’t personally find you attractive they WILL tell their friends. NEVER talk poorly about your previous relationships. Learn a few jokes.
The privatization of love is a real problem but the classic approach isn’t dead.
Who?
Get out of the house. Join some group activities. Enrich yourself. Make some friends.
If you are looking for a more specific example then try yoga or an exercise group like cycling. These kind of activities signal that you are looking to improve yourself and that is always a plus. Just remember not to leer and be polite.
OK, I’ve been weightlifting and bouldering for three years now.
Now what? Neurotypicals like you never explain the next step.
My issue is with your first sentence (cis white man that is about as just barely straight). With all of the talk about equality, equity, and BS gender roles, I’m still expected to make all of the initial moves and decisions in real life and on apps. However, I’m mildly on the spectrum and my natural tenancy is to be very aggressive in my methods (not in a violent way and not just with people, just mean I am very earnest, locked in, and tenacious with most things I do).
I have never been approached, hit on, or asked out by a women in real life, though I have by men a couple of times. When I’m in public or at a bar I am literally invisible, unless I happen to walk into a women’s zone of awareness (not personal space, but the point/distance where they then have to make a judgment as to whether I am a threat or not).
The advantage of online dating is that if I match with someone it’s reasonable to assume they are interested in me which puts me past the initial barrier in real life of not being able to tell. At that point I’m pretty OK at interacting with a person and flirting etc. However, my hobbies and the things I would like a partner to enjoy doing with me are very male dominated.
The result of this is that I haven’t ever had a partner or dated someone who didn’t have crippling anxiety and/or deep self-image issues where they use their partner for all of the validation and structure they haven’t figured out how to do from within themselves. Which at least to me makes sense, since women with the same interests as mine are surrounded by men all the time everyday, and so the confident well adjusted women have the metaphorical pick of the litter and probably end up with one of the few not problematic men in that space that are also well adjusted.
I am well aware it’s far more complicated than that, and that women face a number of other struggles, but Game Theory does still very much apply, and so as I was saying before despite all of the rhetoric about equity, I still have to play by the old rules while somehow also playing by the new ones at the same time.
It’s exhausting.
It sounds like online dating is a boon to you. As far as your hobbies go you should try branching out into less male dominated ones. Sometimes you meet someone that you can spend time in each other’s worlds but maintain your own as well. It sounds like you have some real barriers to overcome.
Like I said, it’s my only option really, but been doing it when out of a relationship for at least a decade.
Not to be too snarky, I know you are just trying to be helpful, but I have tons of hobbies I enjoy and not enough time and money to enjoy the ones that I do have. I’m not looking for someone that shares my every hobby, but the only women I seem to connect with are of the engineering STEM type, but the interest has always been very one sided.
Another unfortunate part of our current reality is that life at this point almost assumes there are two working people in a household. It can be very difficult just getting daily and weekly responsibilities done with any time left over.
Then being told that despite doing everything society says one should do and be to be desirable to a partner (including being understanding and respectful of others struggles, trauma, neurodiversity, etc.) basically being told I just need to be more social is infuriating. So the fact that I’m introverted and find lots of social interaction taxing is something I need to get over, but I need to just accept that I will never have someone ASK ME out and I need to be patient and understanding with everyone I interact with?
I said, I know you are just trying to be helpful, and this frustration isn’t directed at you, but life more generally. It’s something I have gotten a lot of and feels a lot like “hopes and prayers”. It’s a reaction people seem to have wanting to somehow cognitively decouple from the core root cause and find a way to other me and what I need to do so that they don’t have to really engage with and think about the cold reality of it all.
I see now. That is holding me back by a lot.
The whole fake it till you make it thing can be applicable here but therapy is valid and cheaper than you think. You are worthy and deserving of love.
I strongly recommend being happy, one of the best feelings really. I’ve tried the other emotions and they just don’t feel the same. (But seriously I’m no fun when I’m depressed. People like being around happy people, it’s contagious)
Rule 1. Be happy.
Rule 2. Don’t be unhappy.
Do a group activity which has members of the demography you’re trying to attract. Show that you’re useful in a social environment and you will gain status and thus attract mates.
That can be anything from environmental protection, sports, politics, arts, music, games, organizing parties.
You forgot the two most important steps:
Otherwise it will not work.
If you mean physical and optical attraction, that can be improved by hygiene, clothing, haircut, exercise, makeup, diet.
Other factors like manners, conversational skills, generosity, outlook, morals, ethics, dance skills, art skills etc. can also be worked on.
Below average looking guys will easily pull women, if they have status and a purpose/passion in life. Status isn’t just money, it can be just being known for being useful in your social circles.
Ugly people have sex and spouses as well.
Yes, the bottom 10% of men have it harder. However most of them can work on themselves to improve their attractiveness immensely.
One advantage men have, is their attractiveness increases with age. For women it goes downhill in their 30s. For men that’s when their peak starts.
I’m now 42 and more women in their late 20s are interested in me than ever before in my life. Single late 30s women are often desperate to find a husband. The older men get, the bigger their dating range becomes. As a rule of thumb men can get women at their age or younger. Women will go for men their age or older. Woman with wrinkles and grey streaks: old hag grandma. Man with wrinkles and grey streaks: handsome and trustworthy.
So if you want to attract the most desirable women, work on yourself until you’re 30 and then start looking for a wife.
Of all that, only hygiene and exercise improve attraction, and it requires going to the gym 6 times a week and using performance enhancing drugs for it to make a difference.
Diet, clothing and haircut are mostly irrelevant. The only things that matter are height (1m80 is the minimum acceptable nowadays), muscles, and having a nice face. All three are required.
Source: I’m very small (1m70) and ugly, and having the ability to bench press my own weight doesn’t help at all.
T’es pas petit je fait 1m63 1m70 c’est pas mal a coté x)
OK mais la plupart des ados sont plus grands que moi alors que j’ai le double de leur âge 😅
Your ideas of attractiveness are very skewed. If you only do only dating face and body matter more, because it’s much of what you see. However fashion and displayed activities, and status also play a role. But you might be better off looking for mates elsewhere.
Lots of short men with non athletic bodies and mediocre looks get laid every day.
Body and face beauty certainly helps, but there are diminishing returns. Except of course if you want to date super models.
Not being fat and doing some exercise or sports twice a week already puts you way ahead of the pack.
If you go and play social mixed gender volleyball instead of autistically lifting every day, you will have more opportunities and success.
What do you have to offers partner? Are you fun to hang out with? Do you do fun or interesting activities? Do you perform or make art?
For example: even the most low level DJs or musicians will have more success, than a grumpy loner who asks people if they know all albums of the band shirt they’re wearing.
So you’re short, athletic, and have an ugly face. What about your skills, interests, fashion, and activities?
Plenty of women are much shorter than you. If you live in the Netherlands or Mexico makes a difference.
I’m not overweight. I’m skinny but have been gaining weight over the years. I weigh 60kg for 1m70 (up from 47kg in 2020).
I don’t autistically lift every day (although the non-autists that do obviously have more success with women), only twice a week. I also do indoor bouldering, which is a sport with almost 50/50 men and women. I’ve been going to the same gym for the past 3 years (I don’t know a single person there).
As for my hobbies, I play the guitar, love politics (left/far-left), play video games (mostly retro or indie), go to concerts.
Of course, none of that is relevant, because my face makes manhole covers jump in fear, I’m very short (I know women are shorter but they want taller men), and not muscular.
My condolences towards your face.