12 hours from now, 11 years ago, I was very nearly killed riding a bicycle to work. I’m partially physically disabled now. Holding posture is very limited for me, but I’m still mobile. Last year I did the same ride on the same route. I ran into someone I worked with that was doing well and it had a disproportionate negative effect to see their success.
For the first 9 years I tried to ignore the anniversary, but that doesn’t work well either. I still feel every bit of the pain I felt that day when I woke up in the hospital, so moving on is not an option. I’m a shell of my former self. I’m doing good to ride a bike a couple dozen miles at most and can’t stop, sit, or stand for more than a few minutes. Does anyone with experience like this have any suggestions to reduce the dip; to morn one’s own death in a more productive way?
Damn, I feel that so hard.
Grieving the loss of your previous life is a hard fucking road, and everyone that experiences it has to find their own path, just like any other form of grief.
My best advice is to really let yourself feel it in the moment. When that wave comes, don’t try to wave it off or suppress it unless it hits at a time it isn’t safe to do so. Don’t wallow on it, definitely keep your thoughts from spiraling as much as you can. But breathe through it, let the emotion of it wash through you. It will ebb again, back to your normal.
Beyond that, I find that looking for a thing, or things, to fill your down time with is vital long term. It can be anything, really, but ideally it’s something that makes use of your strengths and connects you outside of yourself.
For me, that thing is often writing. Fiction, lemmy comments, the rare poem, whatever. I can do it almost anywhere, almost any time. If you don’t have something already, try to find something. I know folks that have picked up sketching as a thing because it’s similarly portable. You can even do it on a screen, so the supplies issue is a low barrier to entry. No mess either. You don’t even have to be good at it, it isn’t for anyone else, as far as that goes. You just have to be willing to work at it over time.
I know people, via my disability/chronic pain support group, that do stuff like knitting, cross stitch, even carving things (though that runs too messy for times when you’re stuck in bed). I know a guy that sings for and to himself.
The goal is to find things you can do with your body, within its limits, that also engages your mind. People need purpose. It’s very unusual to find people that do well without a “thing” to do. Doesn’t have to be a job, it just has to give structure to your days in a way that bare survival tasks like laundry just can’t.
And gods, if you can find a local support group, it helps. Online works too, but there’s something special about getting out of your own turf, into a neutral space with other people that helps. And when it’s people that know exactly what you’re going through, it really can take the horror out of even the really bad stuff.
Some shit, you don’t move on from. You just survive it, endure it. There’s no perfect answers when that kind of shit is on your plate, so you just try the next thing until.