When I get a gift, there’s always the knowledge that they want to make me happy, which kicks in my lingering urge to let them know I’m happy, which then makes me feel performative, even though I’m being genuine most of the time. That makes it difficult to actually be in the moment, which makes my expressions less genuine, which creates this feedback loop where I feel increasingly fake even though I’m actually really happy.
Seriously, as chaotic as that paragraph is, it feels more chaotic. I got over being a people pleaser a long time ago, except for people I care about. Like, if I’m at work and get a box of chocolates, ima say thank you, with a smile, and not care if whoever it was felt it to be genuine.
But when I care, then I want them to share that happiness loop with me. I want them to have that urge for the gift to make me happy succeed because they did make me happy, even if the gift itself was utter shit. It feels so good that someone cared enough to get me anything that they weren’t obligated to (which is why work gifts are different usually). But I’m picking up all that eagerness they have for the gift to be a good gift that brings joy, and I want to fulfill that. That wanting, that attachment to their happiness is a difficult to resolve paradox for me.
If I don’t feel attached to their happiness, it would be easier to just live in the moment and share my happiness. But that very attachment is part of why I’m happy, because their happiness is vital to my own.
I’m fairly confident that this paradox will never be resolved at this point. Fifty years, and I’ve yet to manage separating things out so that I can just enjoy the moment exactly as it is when gifts are given to me. Kinda dubious it’ll resolve in the future lol.
Then again, I did resolve the other end of things, where I don’t feel any dissonance if my gift to another doesn’t work out. So maybe?
But, I think you can see why that dichotomy of preference exists.
Definitely giving. I like making my people happy.
When I get a gift, there’s always the knowledge that they want to make me happy, which kicks in my lingering urge to let them know I’m happy, which then makes me feel performative, even though I’m being genuine most of the time. That makes it difficult to actually be in the moment, which makes my expressions less genuine, which creates this feedback loop where I feel increasingly fake even though I’m actually really happy.
Seriously, as chaotic as that paragraph is, it feels more chaotic. I got over being a people pleaser a long time ago, except for people I care about. Like, if I’m at work and get a box of chocolates, ima say thank you, with a smile, and not care if whoever it was felt it to be genuine.
But when I care, then I want them to share that happiness loop with me. I want them to have that urge for the gift to make me happy succeed because they did make me happy, even if the gift itself was utter shit. It feels so good that someone cared enough to get me anything that they weren’t obligated to (which is why work gifts are different usually). But I’m picking up all that eagerness they have for the gift to be a good gift that brings joy, and I want to fulfill that. That wanting, that attachment to their happiness is a difficult to resolve paradox for me.
If I don’t feel attached to their happiness, it would be easier to just live in the moment and share my happiness. But that very attachment is part of why I’m happy, because their happiness is vital to my own.
I’m fairly confident that this paradox will never be resolved at this point. Fifty years, and I’ve yet to manage separating things out so that I can just enjoy the moment exactly as it is when gifts are given to me. Kinda dubious it’ll resolve in the future lol.
Then again, I did resolve the other end of things, where I don’t feel any dissonance if my gift to another doesn’t work out. So maybe?
But, I think you can see why that dichotomy of preference exists.