Im wondering if this is a common adhd thing.
For example, I have always wanted to program, but I can’t let myself start with some easy gui building block code. I need to understand how the code is interacting with the computer itself and know how they did it in the 80s. Then of course it’s too hard for me and I give up.
Or if im making music, I need to do everything from scratch the hard way, making it as hard as possible (and killing any creative effort i had in the beginning).
It’s the same with anything. I can’t progress if I dont know the absolute reason why something is being done. And if I do it the easy way, I didn’t do it right and took shortcuts so it was worthless.
I can relate. I have a natural aversion to “high level” languages that obfuscate a lot of the details from me.
I actually do know a lot about the low-level details of programming, how code interacts with hardware, etc. BUT - I didn’t start with that. I first learned BASIC (indeed - in the '80s). Then Pascal, then C. THEN I learned about assembly, computer architecture, etc.
Does knowing those low-level details make me a better programmer? Probably - but they’re certainly not necessary to get started or to even be effective. And if I started with them I may not have gone into programming.
I’ve learned to how to convince myself that “I will simply accept this as it is for now (and that’s okay) but I will let myself dive deep on it later”. A bit of a bargain to give me permission to “cheat” for the time-being. It’s helped when learning new frameworks which can be very complicated. And starting top-down can give you a better appreciation for the details underneath.
See this is why I always wish to had been born in the computing age and not the iPad age, would have actailly had a reason to learn the real building blocks ! Thats a good cheat though.