Hey! I recently started dating someone, and it is both of our first relationships. We have only been dating for 5 months. We both go to the same college in NY, and we recently decided to make a 3-day road trip in Early September.
The financial discussions for our upcoming trip have been a bit awkward, and we sorta decided that I will be footing the bill for the hotel, while he would cover gas and food. I felt like this was a bit unfair, as the cost of the hotel is probably ~3x what gas/food would cost us. I had brought this up and I noticed it was a bit of a trigger for him, and it was clear he wasn’t too keen on having the discussion. I don’t think this comes from malice, but more so that money discussions are always awkward, and this is both of our first relationships.
I had offered to split it so that he pays a quarter of the hotel charge, and he sort of reluctantly said yes, but mentioned he doesn’t have the money right now, so I didn’t really push further.
Both of us have different perspectives on money - he is a lot more frivolous than me in spending, while I’m pretty frugal. Even though we’re both in university, I have more disposable income than him (mostly because of my frugality).
I’m worried that I will resent him during and after the trip because of this, and I know I need to bring it up to him, but I don’t know how I should approach it. I do really want to go on the trip, and I realize that I may be too “cheap” and should let things go. At the same time, I’m feeling more and more resentful whenever he mentions how he spent money buying (non-essential) new clothes or books. I’ve been bottling it up for a bit since he’s going through a bit of a rough patch, but the date of the trip is approaching and I can’t keep my mind off things.
To clarify, my questions are:
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How do I bring it up to him? I’m worried if it feels like too much like an ultimatum, we’d have to cancel the trip.
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Should I just “suck it up”? I know in relationships things aren’t always equal. I would like to think if the roles were reversed he would do the same, but I’m not sure if he would.
I can not emphasize how much I like him. My post may have made this sound like a toxic relationship but it is anything but. It’s just one small part of an otherwise amazing relationship.
If I can offer some input to an overarching problem you are going to face other than just this one. I am like you in which I am frugal as fuck. I have a lot of spending money because of it and am extremely uncertain about trusting anyone that feels the need to make me spend it one way or another. Frankly, this feeling sucks.
I have dated someone that was rather carefree with their spending habits and it makes you very uncomfortable. However, that isn’t healthy for me mentally and I needed work out the problem. If your relationship becomes serious enough, you will be sharing finances to pay for things like a home or food.
My frugal solution to that problem that puts my mind at ease is to keep your finances completely separate and have a single pool or account you share for the sole purpose of paying bills, dates and things like that. You both contribute a percentage of your income depending on who makes more and what you both are willing to put in. If you don’t have enough in there for the thing you want to do, then tough shit unless you both agree to add more.
Having your accounts separate after that allows you to rest easy knowing your money is still in your control, your bills are being paid equally, and your partner can spend their money on whatever the fuck they want and you don’t need to feel like they are wasting it. At the end of the day, it is still their money to do with what they wish.
That being said, you need to get your partner to agree to that. Which can be easier said than done because they may feel like you don’t trust them. In all actuality though, you don’t want to have to need to trust them. So starting with this idea of financial separation at the beginning of the relationship is a lot easier than later down the road.
Unfortunately, financial decisions are a major thing that effects relationships. They will come up in yours as it will eat at you until you do something about it. So relax, take the time to think about what you want and share it with your partner. If they can’t get on board, then you will not last. Not trying to be mean, but it will cause resentment like you mentioned before.