Not looking for pity. But if you are having an awful December holiday, you aren’t alone. This may be a chance to unload. I’ll start.
My apt was flooded with rain 4 days ago, at ground level. For 4 days, my studio apt, carpet has been soaking wet, footsteps squishing, like stepping in a puddle. Property management wont do anything, hope I can talk sense into them before the floorboards rot and cave in.
You? It’s OK, you’re not alone.
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Nothing specific, just my general dislike of the holidays and seasonal affective disorder.
Same as every year.
I live in a van. It’s pouring rain all week. My van is leaking inside. I don’t have a home. someone was fucking with my van while I was at work last Monday and they punctured my tires. I just bought brand new tires. I cannot afford more new tires. I caught a common cold a few days ago and had to miss work because we deal closely with our clients. now my boss won’t let me come to work for 2 weeks. That’s two weeks of pay I will not get. I’m dying. please send help. This cuddly rainy weather everybody is cuddling. Everyone but me. everyone else’s happiness reinforces my isolation.
My mother passed away a month ago after a 7 year fight with cancer. Her last weeks were horrible, and her last few hours were incredibly painful because she didn’t receive any morphine for various reasons (pharmacies were shut, she preferred to be at home rather than in a hospital, medical response team couldn’t find a vein, etc.)
The only saving grace right now is that she’s no longer having to go through that pain. I know that, given the choice, she would’ve chosen to go a lot earlier. It would’ve been much less painful, she (and we) could prepare, and it would have left her with some dignity. When I think about her situation, I find that I’m just so angry for so many reasons at so many people - family members, her consultants, the doctors that (didn’t) attend to her when she was in hospital and in dangerous conditions that could’ve been prevented. I’m even angry at myself for so many different things. I have so much rage built up in me right now, but I know my mother wouldn’t want me to be so angry. So many regrets, so much sadness, so much shit. I feel like I deserve punishment for everything I’ve done wrong (‘wrong’ by my own definition) over the years.
I dont want to hear that I “shouldn’t be angry” at family or myself. I can, I absolutely should for all the things they have and haven’t done, and I will. I don’t want to be told that I did everything I could, because frankly, I could’ve done more. I want to be angry, I’m fucking allowed to be, and I wish people would fucking stop telling me that it’s okay because it’s fucking not okay.
My biggest regret is letting go of her hand when the paramedics came. That is something that will stay with me for the rest of my life. She was so fucking scared, and I fucking let go.
I hope everyone else enjoys their holidays with their families.
I had a lot of dental work done last minute to max out my dental insurance before yearend. So I won’t be able to pig out on the holiday dinners with a temporary filling and crown on one side of my mouth. Also taking some antibiotics for an infection in one of those fillings and it’s messing up my gut and causing bowel issues.
Well I can tell you at least with the dental stuff we are in the same boat. I need like 4 fillings and I can’t properly chew rn. We’ll get through this :)
Yeah I’m not doing bad physically but mentally for sure. I always celebrate Christmas with my brother and his girlfriend and my dad and his new girlfriend, and they leave in the afternoon. I don’t have a gf. Which means every year on Christmas I get to feel a bit less and finally a bit more alone then usual. And because I’m alone for the rest of the day that sucks.
I will say my holidays are definitely not as bad. My family never really celebrated any holidays besides a few prayer days for the deceased, so never really got into them as I’ve grown up. My cat though has been having problems with a UTI and likely CKD, and I’ve only really gotten her eating in the last couple weeks. Mostly meat sludge, no solids. I’m hoping she pulls through with the UTI and the CKD turns out to be at a lower stage. But I adopted her when she was 8, as a mature cat, so knew what I was getting into. Luckily she’s been around to be almost 14 now, but I’m just afraid I won’t have many more months or years with her. Plus the stress of finances, unemployment, and other responsibilities has been taking its toll so I’ve been crying more lately. But I’m doing what I can to help my situation.
My partner made a suicide attempt Monday night. We had been fighting, and ended up going to different rooms to cool down.
I came SO close to waking up the next morning, finding her in the living room, and realizing the last thing I had said to her was some stupid, petty comment.
We’re both ok physically. But honestly… Neither of us is doing great emotionally. I feel so powerless. I’ve been watching her mental health crumble for months, wracking my brain for anything I should do differently. Any possible way I can help. Instead I just make things worse at every turn. I can’t help but feel like drove the love of my life to suicide, and even now that her attempt failed I don’t know how I can be better.
She says it’s not my fault. She says a lot of things. But of course she doesn’t want me to blame myself right? She loves the absolute fuck out of me. I don’t know. I still can’t convince myself I’m not chiefly to blame.
I know the feeling of powerlessness. I used to think that it was a good feeling because I could finally not care. But after seeing someone close to me in so much pain, I realize it is never that simple.
Ultimately, the powerlessness feels like it’s crushing your soul.
I wish you the best and hope both you and your partner find a healthy way forward that makes you both happy.
I guess I’ve got it easy by comparison, but it’s stil kind of stressful.
That supremely sucks… there’s probably already mould growing. Have you thought of how electrical outlets can accidentally cause fires?
I live on an island and getting between cities is shitty if you don’t have your own vehicle. The only direct options are a relatively cheap delivery van “bus” or an overpriced actual bus. It’s nicer and easier to take a ferry to the mainland, bus over to another ferry terminal, take the other ferry back to the island and ‘bus’ from there. It costs maybe $10 more and an extra hour or so, but it’s so much better then squishing into one of those vans and breathing peoples farts for six hours.
On a heavier note, my Grandma’s dementia has gotten pretty bad so we can’t spend the night an their home any more.
Everything’s okay at the moment I guess but mentally I’m floundering. I keep waking up screaming from night terrors and when I’m awake I keep wishing the building collapsed on me. I hate this holiday so much. Tired of going through it alone and tired of seeing everyone so fuckin happy. Tired of having a bad Christmas every year. Tired of my traumatized ass. Tired of everything.
Oh no!!! I’m worried about you breathing mold!
Does anything come up when you search “ tenant union”? They might be able to help, if so!
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“I had fun once, it was awful.”
It was a meme, but now that I’m older… yeah. I get it.
Could be better, could be worse. No SO to celebrate with but some family, nothing overtly stressful other then the usual work bullshit being annoying. Still need to wrap things and really don’t want to.
