I’m young, I’m male, I’m gay and a “side” (side = neither top nor bottom, I just don’t like anal sex at all).
The question might be weird, but serious: How do I get started with non-anal sex (e.g. oral, handjobs or frotting)?
I’d like to start using Grindr or similar and meet people, but:
- not liking anal sex eliminates what most people like to do. Are there even people on Grindr like me? Most of the profiles are like “top”, “bottom”, “versatile”, but all with a focus on anal sex.
- oral sex is kind of a difficult topic. Doing it without a condom with a person you’ve never seen before feels unsafe. Doing it with a condom feels weird.
- When doing handjobs or frotting, at least the topic “safer sex” is pretty much gone, but it could be difficult to find people for that.
- should I try to get something like PrEP? Is it even worth it in my situation when I’m at “step zero”?
Anyone here with a similar situation or with tips for me?
Make it clear in your bio that you are looking for handjobs and oral, not for anal. Some ppl will probably not read that properly, but it should help to give most a good idea of what you are after.
First of all, you should do only those things you feel comfortable with. You should state your desires clearly so as to not mislead people, and that might lead to some missed opportunities, but you should lean into that and find it totally acceptable. If you get to feeling a weird vibe from a guy, you should just bail out. Consent is everything.
You’re correct that oral sex is not risk free. Know where your comfort zone is and communicate that. You can also talk to your gay-friendly healthcare provider and see if they have particular advice or if there are any outbreaks of concern in your area.
It’s okay to cuddle on the couch and see where it goes, but again I’d advise being super up front about what you’re looking for. A lot of younger and less experienced guys want to take things slow, and the people you hook up with should respect that. It’s not at all uncommon, but some guys will push or try to test your boundaries. Don’t let yourself get manipulated.
I’d advise considering going on prep if you’re having sex, just because sometimes things get out of hand (so to speak), and you don’t want to have those regretful worries. Again, a gay-friendly healthcare provider can give you more specific guidance and set your expectations. Of course, you have to realize that it’s only about HIV, and there’s a ton of other STDs to think about. It’s a good idea to get screened for STDs regularly if you’re sexually active unless you’re in a strictly monogamous relationship.
It’s also a good idea to just get friends and a social network in the community. At some point, everyone will have had sex with everyone else, and things are a lot more comfortable when you’re all part of the same social circles. You can still hook up with strangers, but having your go-to people can really help.
I don’t think “top” and “bottom” strictly refer to anal sex. I’d say it’s more about position in general.
I can’t say I’m too familiar with the specifics of Grindr, but I’d imagine that you could use your bio to communicate these things.
Perhaps there you could add the desire for no anal, as well as the preference for safe sex.Oh hey - I share this struggle. I’m (identify as) a demisexual switch, but anal is eh unless I’m with someone I really like (my master, for example); and even then it’s a very ‘in the mood’ thing. Butt stuff just isn’t very appealing to me.
I tried grindr a few times a decade ago, and never got anywhere, but it’s heavily based on location ofc. I use other communities to meet people (…pfp) and once I’ve met up and got comfortable with someone, it’s very ‘just teasing, frotting, jerking, and oral’. It’s an awkward discussion but I don’t want things to get steamy and then ruined because differing expectations.
Just put what you want out there - yeah it’s going to turn away lots of guys, but this is about what you want, not others. If they have a problem with it, (don’t) fuck em.
Hey, good on you for approaching this thoughtfully. There are some good comments on here already, I’d like to add that there are plenty of people on grindr and the like that aren’t after anal, just be up front, have it in your profile if you’re comfortable with that, and don’t feel like you have to compromise on what you want. It’s not always easy, but comes more naturally with practice.
Also, PrEP is a good thing to start on if you’re feeling anxious about catching HIV. When I got on PrEP it felt like a weight lifted off my shoulders. I was much more comfortable and prepared for sex, and getting STI screenings is now part of my regular healthcare routine, so it doesn’t feel like anything big or scary.
PrEP doesn’t cover everything obviously, so condoms and regular screening will help reduce your risk of catching something and passing it on to others in the community. If you’re ever ready to stop using condoms, that’s 100% a choice between you and your partner. You should be confident and comfortable with that decision, just like not wanting anal you will have to practice having that conversation and recognise it will mean missing some opportunities, but there are always other guys, and anyone who won’t respect your boundaries isn’t going to be a good lay anyway.
Update us when you take the plunge and let us know how it goes!
