I know that it’s natural, and there’s possibly a reason to it, psychologically speaking… but can I just say, fuck anticipatory grief. I know it’s not its fault, but holy fuck it sucks to hurt so much before the actual event. And more so when it affects your loved ones so much.
There’s also the unpredictability of how you’ll feel when the event comes to pass. It’s not really something you can control no matter how prepared you think you are for it.
I’m so sorry to hear about it and hope you and your loved ones will be ok.
That’s why anticipatory grief seems so fucking redundant on the surface, you know? Because ultimately you’re going to go through the grief anyway, so why suffer twice? But yet here it is. And you’re so right… everyone’s reactions have been different now. I can only imagine what it’s going to be like later…
Be very wary of the rage/anger at other people’s denial of what seems clearly obvious to you. That can trip one up and start whole new rounds of unnecessary suffering - for the living.
This relates to yesterday’s post re cat? Feels. Sometime knowing in advance is just as bad as being hit by surprise or accident. Be gentle with yourself.
Speaking here as someone who watched their long term partner (30 years plus) slowly fade out over 2 1/2 years, unconscious and probably brain dead after unsuccessful heart/stroke surgery. I would not hesitate to choose a quick resolution. Then you can let yourself grieve. I was fortunate in that this drawn out agony happened to me during the lockdowns, so I had no outside responsibilities that I HAD to get off my arse for. But the preceding year or so before lockdowns, when I had to pretend to be OK and keep up with things while not knowing when the situation would resolve - that was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. And every bastard that told me that I was fortunate that my partner was still alive - I would boil them in oil if I could remember their names. Possibly their children as well. My partner was NOT fortunate to be barely alive and unconscious/unresponsive. I wanted him back - as he should be, not as a - well - a vegetable. The day that a drug resistant staph infection took him out was both the worst and best day of my life so far. I still don’t really know how I feel about that. Grief counselling can only do so much, but it does help a bit. At least then you know what everyone else expects of you and can adjust communications accordingly. One’s real feelings take much longer to identify let alone resolve. And I made a sacred promise many years ago to never tell lies to myself. Conventional reactions and emotions can go to hell but are sometimes necessary to express to outsiders so that they go away and stop bothering you.
After my FiL died a few weeks later I just burst out crying one time cos I knew the horrible domestic abuse he had been enduring was over. ( yes, we intervened but he didn’t even think he was abused ) I think it’s normal and good to want suffering to be over. Of course, we rather the suffering never happened at all but we can’t stop everything.
Thank you for this response… and I’m so sorry for the experiences you had to endure. I can definitely see where you’re coming from regarding the idea of “quick or drawn out (but hey, they’re still here! Chin up!)”…
Life really can take torture and cruelty to another level when it wants, huh? I think what I’m finding as well is conflicting priorities. Some want to keep on fighting, knowing that it could make things far worse, but there’s a chance that maybe it’ll work. A small percent, but I can understand why people grasp at what they can. Then there’s the resignation, the acceptance… they’re all different parts of grief but are competing against one another. This isn’t some work project, either. It’s a person’s life. And there’s no right and wrong answers and everyone’s just trying to find out more and it’s like… maybe things are the way they are for a reason, you know?
But thank you for your words. It puts things into perspective in some realistic ways and I guess that’s all that can be sought for here, is some clarity, some further understanding.
I’ve been around death a fair bunch but this one hits differently in that it’s very close to home while I’m more in a position to be supportive compared to when I was a lot younger and didn’t really have the mental maturity to help. And as much as you don’t want to call attention to it, it’s as you said, the relief that the suffering and what not will cease.
I know that it’s natural, and there’s possibly a reason to it, psychologically speaking… but can I just say, fuck anticipatory grief. I know it’s not its fault, but holy fuck it sucks to hurt so much before the actual event. And more so when it affects your loved ones so much.
There’s also the unpredictability of how you’ll feel when the event comes to pass. It’s not really something you can control no matter how prepared you think you are for it.
I’m so sorry to hear about it and hope you and your loved ones will be ok.
That’s why anticipatory grief seems so fucking redundant on the surface, you know? Because ultimately you’re going to go through the grief anyway, so why suffer twice? But yet here it is. And you’re so right… everyone’s reactions have been different now. I can only imagine what it’s going to be like later…
Be very wary of the rage/anger at other people’s denial of what seems clearly obvious to you. That can trip one up and start whole new rounds of unnecessary suffering - for the living.
This relates to yesterday’s post re cat? Feels. Sometime knowing in advance is just as bad as being hit by surprise or accident. Be gentle with yourself.
Nah, it’s hooman related. But yeah, it’s a paradox of a sorts. Is it better to have them go quickly or watch them slowly fade?
Speaking here as someone who watched their long term partner (30 years plus) slowly fade out over 2 1/2 years, unconscious and probably brain dead after unsuccessful heart/stroke surgery. I would not hesitate to choose a quick resolution. Then you can let yourself grieve. I was fortunate in that this drawn out agony happened to me during the lockdowns, so I had no outside responsibilities that I HAD to get off my arse for. But the preceding year or so before lockdowns, when I had to pretend to be OK and keep up with things while not knowing when the situation would resolve - that was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. And every bastard that told me that I was fortunate that my partner was still alive - I would boil them in oil if I could remember their names. Possibly their children as well. My partner was NOT fortunate to be barely alive and unconscious/unresponsive. I wanted him back - as he should be, not as a - well - a vegetable. The day that a drug resistant staph infection took him out was both the worst and best day of my life so far. I still don’t really know how I feel about that. Grief counselling can only do so much, but it does help a bit. At least then you know what everyone else expects of you and can adjust communications accordingly. One’s real feelings take much longer to identify let alone resolve. And I made a sacred promise many years ago to never tell lies to myself. Conventional reactions and emotions can go to hell but are sometimes necessary to express to outsiders so that they go away and stop bothering you.
I’m so sorry.
After my FiL died a few weeks later I just burst out crying one time cos I knew the horrible domestic abuse he had been enduring was over. ( yes, we intervened but he didn’t even think he was abused ) I think it’s normal and good to want suffering to be over. Of course, we rather the suffering never happened at all but we can’t stop everything.
All too true. And I wish it wasn’t, but it is, and that horrible feeling of powerlessness …
Thank you for this response… and I’m so sorry for the experiences you had to endure. I can definitely see where you’re coming from regarding the idea of “quick or drawn out (but hey, they’re still here! Chin up!)”…
Life really can take torture and cruelty to another level when it wants, huh? I think what I’m finding as well is conflicting priorities. Some want to keep on fighting, knowing that it could make things far worse, but there’s a chance that maybe it’ll work. A small percent, but I can understand why people grasp at what they can. Then there’s the resignation, the acceptance… they’re all different parts of grief but are competing against one another. This isn’t some work project, either. It’s a person’s life. And there’s no right and wrong answers and everyone’s just trying to find out more and it’s like… maybe things are the way they are for a reason, you know?
But thank you for your words. It puts things into perspective in some realistic ways and I guess that’s all that can be sought for here, is some clarity, some further understanding.
❤️
❤️
Oh I feel you in this one. Went through it myself. In a way we were relieved to just have it all be over, as devastated as we still were.
I’ve been around death a fair bunch but this one hits differently in that it’s very close to home while I’m more in a position to be supportive compared to when I was a lot younger and didn’t really have the mental maturity to help. And as much as you don’t want to call attention to it, it’s as you said, the relief that the suffering and what not will cease.