When I was about 12 and searching the local paper to learn local rent costs. I was looking with the plan that I would move out at 16 and take my sister with me so we could escape the abuse we were suffering from our mom.

Probably it was the first time as a young adult that I found myself out of money and realized no one was going to give me any more. It’s kind of a jarring experience the first time you realize you have $50 left in your account, you don’t get paid again for another week, and mom and dad can’t help you.

I’m honestly glad it happen to me sooner than later, because it taught me a lot about how to be resourceful, how to budget more carefully, and that as a grown adult I should really be able to handle these things on my own.

In university when I observed others having an easier time due to talent, connections, or wealth.

When i had a mental breakdown in my early 30’s.

It always was for me, the moment I realized was maybe the first move we had where we got rid of 90% of stuff we owned so it could all fit in the car.

At various points in my life, my understanding of that grew and grew. I’m sure there will be a point soon where I fear my future twice as much as I do now.

When I saw people with much larger advantages than I struggling.

When I born to shit but forced to wipe

Made an escalating series of mistakes during a single year in my early 30s, leading to a mental breakdown. That was 5 years ago, I still have trouble letting go of what could have been

Lose your job in this economy and you’ll feel it alright

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When I started school.

When I realized that a lot of people will be difficult, and add trauma to your life, for no gain to themselves. I was like 9 years old. I’m 48 now, and still, fuck those people.

Probably when my dad died and my mom (understandably) fell apart.

I will say though - it has gotten better. Much better. I would not call my life difficult now. Only took half a century!

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