Long story short, I’ve known that I was trans long before I had even heard the word. There were signs as early as 4 years old and I knew by the time I was 8. I’m in my late 30’s now and I had come to a kind of peace about not transitioning. It’s something that I want but because of life, family, and a lot of fear I decided not to.
Recently a very close friend who I’ve know for decades came out to me as a trans woman.
I want to tell her about myself but I’m worried about planting seeds of doubt about her transition because I’ve known I was trans for so long and yet haven’t started transitioning myself. I’m afraid that if I try and explain why that she might internalize my reasons. If that makes sense. I’ve never told anyone my truth and I’d so love to have someone to talk to about it. Especially since my friends transition is causing me to second guess myself.
I would appreciate some thoughts on whether I should tell my friend.
Your friend probably needs a lot of support right now, and to feel that she’s not alone. It might also give you a chance to reconsider whether or not you’re okay with being eternally closeted, and give you the opportunity to be yourself as well.
Granted, I still don’t have a lot of experience in this area, buuuuut… Having a supportive trans friend would have caused me to come out of the closet way sooner than I did, simply because I would have felt like I can fully be me around them; something which they probably need as well.
Thank you, I want to provide all the support I can.
She’s definitely already caused me to reconsider. I’ve thought about it every day for months.
You’ve been thinking it about it every day for months. You need to do it. Speaking as someone who started transistioning within a year of sobering up, you’ve been masking the pain of dysphoria with narcotics. That will kill you. And the dysphoria will get worse as you age. Do you talk to a therapist?
What’s probably crazy is thinking about it for months and years and years feels normal. I have an equation in my head, are* the benefits of transitioning equal to or greater than the cost of blowing up my life. Right now it still feels like the cost would be too high, but I don’t know anymore…
No therapist but I’m hoping to start seeing one soon. I have a lot I need to deal with besides being trans.
I don’t know your life situation. But as a trans woman from the Bible belt, who got disowned by my family, divorced, abandoned by all of my friends and financially devastated as a result of coming out and transitioning: it’s absolutely worth it.
That’s basically what I’d be looking at. You are a very strong and brave woman.
Honestly, I don’t really think I am. I’m just surviving and doing what I can to cobble together a life worth living.
Like, yeah. Transition has been really hard, but so was my pre-transiton life, just in different ways. Nowadays I feel like I have so many more tools emotionally to deal with the constant onslaught of sorrow that life has always been.
There’s courage in actively choosing struggle over misery
Well, to me you are incredibly brave.
Thank you for telling me your situation. I don’t know what’s going to happen with my life but hearing from you and the others means a lot, and makes me feel less alone.
Yeah it does get normal. I’m not going to pretend I know what it’s like for you, I was 20 when I started hormones. But I can say I waited until it was “transition or die” and I regret the time I lost. If you know where you’re headed it’s ok to skip the years of unhappiness.
Well, I scheduled an appointment with a therapist. Said I wanted to talk about gender identity issues, amongst other things. The first time I’ve ever revealed myself IRL. It felt good, and was kind of exciting too.
Since you’re reconsidering, just know it’s never too late. I am transitioning in my 30s, and I have a close friend in her 40s that just transitioned, and she passes in most contexts already. You just never know how it will go, and while it’s not guaranteed, for a lot of us just being on the hormones is worth it - it feels so much better, in ways you would have never thought. My suggestion would be to just try it, you don’t have to make any decisions to transition at all, you can just inject estrogen for a few weeks and see how it feels and go from there. I think the general advice is up to 3 months the effects are completely reversible and you don’t really have to commit at all. This video also really helped me.
Anyway, I wish you well regardless of what you decide. ❤️
I watched it all and several of her other videos and ill be watching more. Thank you. Is the height and hair thing true? My body hair and balding are what trigger my dysphoria the most.
Is just “trying” HRT a thing? A doctor will just prescribe it estrogen and anti androgens?
It depends on the doctor you see. I recommend getting in touch with your local trans community and finding out who provides good care. My endocrinologist lets me lead in my healthcare, so I tried bicalutamide and estradiol valerate injections before switching to just monotherapy injections (where you inject enough estrogen that the testosterone is blocked). He lets me control my own dose and schedule, etc.
The doctor should prescribe you estrogen if you experience dysphoria, they can’t force you to continue taking it if you don’t want to, and they can’t force you to socially transition - but they can write you a prescription based on your dysphoria, yes, and that allows you to try HRT and see how you feel.
I have read that some head hair can come back depending on how long ago it disappeared including hairlines moving down (I’ve also heard the reverse, of testosterone causing the hairline to recede in trans men), and there are also surgical options I have heard of. My hairline is a major source of dysphoria for me, and I am considering FFS for it. The sooner you get on estrogen the better with this one.
I wouldn’t count on height changing by a lot, but because of changes to the curvature of the spine on estrogen you might lose an inch or two - and I have heard this is true from people IRL as well. I haven’t yet witnessed it myself, but I’m like 10-ish months on estrogen.
Body hair will change radically, becoming lighter in color and thinner. A lot of my dysphoria comes from body hair as well. I highly suggest looking into laser and/or electrolysis, but those are long-term / permanent changes that you might want to consider after starting estrogen (if you aren’t ready to transition yet). You can always do the hair removal without transitioning and it’s worth it for how it will alleviate dysphoria, but because it’s a permanent-ish change you might just want to give it some thought.
In my experience, once you start making these changes it’s so much better with them that you won’t want to go back, but you have to try things yourself and see how you will feel - not everyone is the same even if there are common tendencies or patterns.
That’s not the kind of thing that I would assume makes people significantly insecure. What might happen though is that she will talk you into transitioning too…
And yes: Transitioning is SOOO good! It’s almost always worth it. 😊
I hope not, maybe I’m projecting too much.
It’s possible she could… I haven’t felt this constantly dysphoric in years.
Girl(?), if my experience is any indicator of how this shit works, you’ve been feeling dysphoric the whole time, you just pushed it away so you didn’t feel it. However, it was still there, hurting you in ways you couldn’t see.
Girl(?) 🥹
Pretty much ya. I had never really thought that my dysphoria could be hurting me. It’s just always been something I carry around, and I’ve treated it like any other unfulfillable desire. It definitely made me more anti-social, and instead of seeking out a girl friend i was happy to fantasize about being a girl. I’m not completely disgusted by my own body like I’ve read others are, which probably helped with coping too.
I sobered up a couple years ago and have started to face the reality thst I’m getting older. With that has come a realization that my dysphoria has probably significantly hampered my life.
Okay, rule number 1 about transitioning: The best time to start was for almost all of us a number of years in the past. The second best time is now. It’s never too late!
I carried the same weight until I came out at 32, and let me tell you, it’s heavier than you’ll ever realize until you put it down and start unpacking it. But the change in my life in just over a year has been literally unbelievable.
My heart goes out to you internet stranger. If you’re willing to share more, I’d love to hear how your life had changed for the better.
Different stranger here: I actually started to like myself and enjoy living, things everyone takes for granted. I couldn’t have imagined this much happiness was even possible, but it’s my normal now! Now I smile, laugh, talk to people, and feel like an actual person! It’s amazing how much improved now that I’ve been reducing that constant itch of wrongness!
It’s hard to quantify in some ways, but the biggest thing is I can stand to be me now. I’m in therapy to help deal with all the emotions that come with finally not repressing everything, and boy is that hard to deal with sometimes, but I actively want to deal with it.
So as cheesy as it is, transitioning has actually given me hope for the future.
It’s made me extremely antisocial and basically incapable of functioning as an adult. I thought there was something very, very wrong with me, because here I was, an otherwise “normal” adult who just couldn’t function for seemingly no reason. I’d shoved the feelings away so well when I was a teenager (because I didn’t know that being trans was an option, among other things) that I forgot how bad they were. After coming out I suddenly began remembering all the self-hatred, self-disgust and so forth, and even though I haven’t started hrt yet, it’s made it way easier to love myself when I can look at my body and say, “it won’t be much longer…”
🥹
Who’s a good girl? You are! You’re a good girl! I know that you’re a good girl because you’re asking these kinds of questions about yourself and because you want to support your friend. I also know that if you’re anything like me then your feelings are currently doing backflips screaming, “that’s me, that’s me! Aaaaaaaaaaa, call me that again, again, again!”
Don’t wait sweetie, it sounds like you and your newly discovered trans friend have a lot of things you could do together, like trying to find cute clothes that fit! Just be careful you don’t accidentally overwhelm her, she’s going through some Big Feels too, but having you there will probably help a lot.
And try to avoid focusing on the imperfections. That was something I used for a long time to talk myself out of it. Try to find silver linings instead.
I believe in you sweetie, you can do it. Be the best girl you can be. I know you can!
Edit: oh yeah, if you’re into gaming and already have a decent PC, look into VRChat. VR headsets should be mandatory for trans people. 10/10 euphoria generator (though personally I found it difficult to get immersed until I got leg and hip trackers).
Thank you so so much
Also if you like being called a “good girl” and you’re not a furry, go get connected with some furry groups and tell them you like being called a good girl and you will get called it a lot. We love telling beans they’re good girls and good boys. (I highly recommend looking for local groups before branching out, and you might be surprised how many of us there are. Even if you don’t have IRL contact with them, knowing that you can reach out to them IRL makes a massive difference)
This, so much! It’s a lot of suppressed feelings.
Brainfog, just feeling generally meh, that is part of it.
I realized at 29 and started at 31, there are trans women that started in their 60s, never too late.
You’re reconsidering your course of actions, it’s unlikely you’ll drive her to do the same.
As someone who literally didn’t know until I was an adult, dysphoria has been crushing you for your entire life. It will crush you every day that you live unless you transition. Every day before I transitioned was a day I wasn’t alive.
Yesterday I got in fight with my family because they still didn’t understand what being a woman means to me. I’m not brave for transitioning. It took more courage to repress yourself for over three decades, even though you knew what you wanted. As soon as I knew I wanted to be a girl, I didn’t make it a year before I was forced to transition or die.
I commend you for holding out for the sake of others, but you have the option of living for yourself. Nothing feels better than loving yourself, regardless of what your gender is. It’s like seeing after being blind for your entire life. There will be no more going back because you’ll never want to go back.
In my humble opinion, keeping the truth to yourself only for the reason that you believe they cant “handle” it (causing changes in decisions) would be a little arrogant
Because in a way youre the one concluding how she will react to the truth.
Obviously there plenty of other reasons why it would be valid to keep the truth. But to me, this reason which you gave isnt one of them unfortunately
That’s a fair take. After seeing everyone else advice I think I was projecting too much.
