Yesterday my dad called me a loser because I am underemployed right now. I am looking for another job that fits with the uni break, asking managers for more shifts, trying to better myself by actually having hobbies for once in my life and doing things with friends. Yeah, I still don’t wake up super early, and yeah, I’m not happy with my life either, but I feel like I’m getting somewhere, after years of fighting battles in my mind and making shitty decisions.
Then you’ve got my twin sister who has had a full-time job even when she was studying, has a mortgage and her life is work, and she can get through each day without having to reassure herself that she’s going to be fine. Most people my age aren’t lucky enough to be in this position, but somehow this is the standard I’m expected to uphold. No one says it, but just by the way people in my life baby me around, I can tell that that’s the way they want me to be.
Let me add to the pile of outrage at your dad for saying such a horribly hurtful and useless comment.
I want to write a whole essay to you because I have a similar family dynamic (very accomplished eldest bro who seems to be doing fine with a very fast paced life) - and I certainly didn’t get taken seriously for much of my early adulthood
I should go pack though. But all I can say is… it does get better, with age and experience their opinions matter less, and life becomes more about keeping yourself afoat the way that works best for you.
For comparison, said wildly successful older bro had massive setback later in life that’s been going on for years now. And he is far worse equipped to handle it mentally and emotionally because his life has always been superlative and successful. He had never really experienced failure before. It’s a huge learning curve later on in life. So take that for what it’s worth…
Has… he seen the job market? A very hurtful and clueless thing for him to say. Very boomer.
And yes mental health struggles make life a lot harder. Not everyone can be a machine. Those expectations are pretty high, I’d even say unrealistic, and I think your sister might even secretly be feeling the high pressure job. If not now then at some point. If anything else happens to add a strain to life that pace might not be sustainable.
Comparing you to a sibling is also not appropriate to do.
Edit: In a small way I was the tough disciplined organised one that others got compared to… because I was so desperately holding it together under pressure. Burned out hard. They’re doing well now and me not so much.
I know it’s difficult to dismiss a parents opinion, but I would highly recommend it in this case.
It sounds like he has no understanding of the way the world works at the moment. I hear this a lot from people. That their parents are completely disconnected from the realities of life these days.
I’ve been through it in the past, and the best thing you can do I think, is to focus on the fact that you’re doing your best, and that’s more than good enough ❤️
Yesterday my dad called me a loser because I am underemployed right now.
what a prick.
You didnt need to say or justify anything beyond that. Hes a prick. Nothing more to say and nothing else matters beyond that.
You dont speak to your kids like that. EVER. Even if you aint a kid any more.
He may be sincere in his apology, but I’m so sorry you experienced that from your father. The things our parents say tend to stick around a while in our heads (my egg donor said “you’re just like your father!” And slapped me when I replied “good!” lol, I’ll never forget), but know that YOU ARE NOT A LOSER!!! no one here would ever say or think that about you, because it’s untrue! You are nowhere near to being a loser and your dad should spend the rest of his life making it up to you imo.
It’s the sort of comment that might have motivated him as a young man, and may be motivational for your twin, but definitely is not effective as a motivator for you. And as your parent he should have seen that a lot earlier.
As a parent sometimes we say things out of frustration. It doesn’t make it right though. Big hugs for you because you are going forward and that’s the main thing. 💛
That’s so shit and so fucked up. I’m glad he apologised, but it’s not fair that he did that in first place. Comparison is the thief of joy, you’re doing YOU and that’s all that matters. You are loved!
wtf, i wouldn’t say that to a friend let alone a daughter
you know you’re right , you know they were wrong
but it hurts so bad, hurts because why would they even say that, they are supposed to be kind and supportive, and you know they know how to be supportive because they are to other people
so many many hugs
I know it hurts, I know that having the kindness and support of those we love makes us feel like we can conquer the world but there are times we need to be our own best friend
you have us as your friend and you have yourself, you’re a really good friend
me, my family of origin want me to be loser, they would get angry when I has success of any kind, I lost them instead
Yesterday my dad called me a loser because I am underemployed right now. I am looking for another job that fits with the uni break, asking managers for more shifts, trying to better myself by actually having hobbies for once in my life and doing things with friends. Yeah, I still don’t wake up super early, and yeah, I’m not happy with my life either, but I feel like I’m getting somewhere, after years of fighting battles in my mind and making shitty decisions.
Then you’ve got my twin sister who has had a full-time job even when she was studying, has a mortgage and her life is work, and she can get through each day without having to reassure herself that she’s going to be fine. Most people my age aren’t lucky enough to be in this position, but somehow this is the standard I’m expected to uphold. No one says it, but just by the way people in my life baby me around, I can tell that that’s the way they want me to be.
/ end vent with lots of cognitive distortions
Let me add to the pile of outrage at your dad for saying such a horribly hurtful and useless comment.
I want to write a whole essay to you because I have a similar family dynamic (very accomplished eldest bro who seems to be doing fine with a very fast paced life) - and I certainly didn’t get taken seriously for much of my early adulthood
I should go pack though. But all I can say is… it does get better, with age and experience their opinions matter less, and life becomes more about keeping yourself afoat the way that works best for you.
For comparison, said wildly successful older bro had massive setback later in life that’s been going on for years now. And he is far worse equipped to handle it mentally and emotionally because his life has always been superlative and successful. He had never really experienced failure before. It’s a huge learning curve later on in life. So take that for what it’s worth…
Has… he seen the job market? A very hurtful and clueless thing for him to say. Very boomer.
And yes mental health struggles make life a lot harder. Not everyone can be a machine. Those expectations are pretty high, I’d even say unrealistic, and I think your sister might even secretly be feeling the high pressure job. If not now then at some point. If anything else happens to add a strain to life that pace might not be sustainable.
Comparing you to a sibling is also not appropriate to do.
Edit: In a small way I was the tough disciplined organised one that others got compared to… because I was so desperately holding it together under pressure. Burned out hard. They’re doing well now and me not so much.
Comparison hurts both sides
I’m sorry you had to go through that.
I know it’s difficult to dismiss a parents opinion, but I would highly recommend it in this case.
It sounds like he has no understanding of the way the world works at the moment. I hear this a lot from people. That their parents are completely disconnected from the realities of life these days.
You’re not a loser and I hope you know that ❤️
Thank you! I will (try to) dismiss it.
I agree, he doesn’t understand the way the world works at the moment.
I’ve been through it in the past, and the best thing you can do I think, is to focus on the fact that you’re doing your best, and that’s more than good enough ❤️
He did apologise, saying he believes in me and that he was just trying to push me, but that’s definitely a mean thing to call someone.
He may be sincere in his apology, but I’m so sorry you experienced that from your father. The things our parents say tend to stick around a while in our heads (my egg donor said “you’re just like your father!” And slapped me when I replied “good!” lol, I’ll never forget), but know that YOU ARE NOT A LOSER!!! no one here would ever say or think that about you, because it’s untrue! You are nowhere near to being a loser and your dad should spend the rest of his life making it up to you imo.
We love you!
💜💜
It’s the sort of comment that might have motivated him as a young man, and may be motivational for your twin, but definitely is not effective as a motivator for you. And as your parent he should have seen that a lot earlier.
Yes, he should know by now I’m sensitive!
Jesus Christ, I’m sorry but a parent should not be calling their child that.
That’s just not right!
People go through different journeys through life to get to where they want, there’s no playbook by any means.
Exactly!
I hope you’re ok coming from this, it did make me pretty angry reading about it, that’s not the way to encourage someone.
As a parent sometimes we say things out of frustration. It doesn’t make it right though. Big hugs for you because you are going forward and that’s the main thing. 💛
Thank you 🫂
That’s so shit and so fucked up. I’m glad he apologised, but it’s not fair that he did that in first place. Comparison is the thief of joy, you’re doing YOU and that’s all that matters. You are loved!
Thank you, that is very true :) I will keep doing me and trust that things will click into place.
wtf, i wouldn’t say that to a friend let alone a daughter
you know you’re right , you know they were wrong
but it hurts so bad, hurts because why would they even say that, they are supposed to be kind and supportive, and you know they know how to be supportive because they are to other people
so many many hugs
I know it hurts, I know that having the kindness and support of those we love makes us feel like we can conquer the world but there are times we need to be our own best friend
you have us as your friend and you have yourself, you’re a really good friend
me, my family of origin want me to be loser, they would get angry when I has success of any kind, I lost them instead
🫂💜