Lately I can’t seem to get my heartbeat below 100, even while taking beta blockers.
I have no officially diagnosed heart or circulation issues, except varicocele (not directly related).
I also don’t have any money to get myself checked out. But even if I did, I wouldn’t. I’ve had passive suicidal ideation for decades. This just feels like my wish slowly coming true.
Idgaf about myself tbh, I just hope I won’t accidentally aggrieve the few people on this planet who give a fuck about me.
Ah well.
Part of you cares. This post proves it.
Your asshole brain may be looking for validation that it’s ok to let this continue, but it isn’t. And you won’t find it here either way.
More people care about you than you let yourself believe. I know because you’ve made me care.
So, do me a favour, try and get this looked at. As you said, resources are tight but this is important. Possibly more important than anything else.
My paternal grandfather and ALL OF HIS BROTHERS died from heart attacks, so I’m on high alert for that in my own life.