I can’t just get rid of the other one since I’ve become so attached to her. We’ve been through all my suffering at the same time. But she’s everything I’m not, that I wish I could have been: white, tall, masculine, creative, talented, and unattractive. I envy that someone like her doesn’t have weed addicts and random people begging for her number. Anyone who would be her friend would actually like her for who she is and not her appearance or some shallow reason.

I would bring her creations to life as they are pretty cool and could probably make a lot of money but I can’t be a “talented black person” again. I’d rather drink piss out of a Colored Only fountain than be “black excellence” all over again. Every hobby I did was “excellence” and I had to be filmed and displayed like a circus animal for something no one would care if a white person did.

So I feel conflicted, having actually created stuff despite the past, and being this gross alien thing whose work is So Special. There’s no way I’d escape that crap. If I pretend to be white, someone would find out and expose me, and everything I created would be popular because a black woman made it. All criticism is dismissed and censored because it’s racist white boys angry a black woman exists. Everything will be 5 stars and 10/10, and my games would be game of the year, solely because I’m a black woman and not a random normal game developer.

I would hate to die before having the chance to share her creations with the world but I can’t be a black person who made something. I can’t go through it again. And even if I ignored it, I’d still be letting her down by having her fandom only exist to infantilize a black person so they don’t look racist.

  • r0ertel@lemmy.worldEnglish
    2·
    26 days ago

    I’ve read your post a few times. The phrasing is a little confusing to me, but I think I get it.

    First off, you’re not alone in feeling this way. Maybe not the specifics, but I feel like the core stems from some sort of self-hate. If that’s true, there are a LOT of people who feel this way and you may never know it.

    Second, regarding the people who appear to be the source of your frustration, there are good people out there, but they’re usually muted by the rest. It takes skill to see them, but once you do, you’ll see that they were always there.

    Finally, if you’re really feeling like ending it all, find some help. Probably a therapist. If it doesn’t work, find another. The good ones are out there, but they’re usually all booked up. Maybe find one of your same race and gender because maybe they’ll understand more deeply what you’re experiencing.